


High Water Everywhere

by Melodious329



Series: High Water Everywhere [1]
Category: CW Network RPF, Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-18
Updated: 2011-04-18
Packaged: 2017-10-18 08:37:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 45,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/186986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melodious329/pseuds/Melodious329
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen has a history of depression and Chris has always been the one that he turned to. But when Jensen ends up in the hospital, was it really a suicide attempt? And if it wasn’t, how is he going to get anyone to believe him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	High Water Everywhere

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: I neither own nor know the real persons upon whom these characters are based. The title is from a Joe Bonamassa song

Christ on the cross, Jensen was tired. It had been another long day on set, another day that left the actor exhausted, sore, wrung out, sleepy…and satisfied. Despite the long hours and demanding stunts, Jensen was happy, more than any other time in his life. This job, this life…he had so much to be thankful for and, what was more, he knew it. He had a great character to play, a challenging character where he was more than just a pretty face. Supernatural had a great crew, great directors, a great co-star who was also a great friend and now housemate.

It was a ‘stop and smell the roses’ kind of moment and so Jensen did. He just stopped walking and tilted his face up, looking at the Vancouver sky that had already turned dark and breathing in the smell of a busy set and underneath that, pine and grass, a smell very different from Texas or LA but one that was just as imprinted on his brain.

Of course, stopping abruptly in the middle of said set was not advisable as Jensen realized when someone walked right into his back. Quickly he turned around, a sheepish smile and a ‘sorry’ on his lips.

Amanda, the PA that had run into him who currently had a huge stack of photocopies in her hands, which only made Jensen feel guiltier, only smiled and rolled her eyes at him, her lips saying ‘don’t worry about it’ while her eyes said indulgently ‘crazy actors’.

Apologizing again, he hurriedly continued his walk to his trailer. Normally, he and Jared would walk together back to their trailers at the end of the day, ride home together, eat together, watch tv together, but today, Jensen got to go home early. A fact that had made Jared pout like a toddler watching his favorite toy being taken away as he watched Jensen walk off set. And of course, Jensen had had to laugh and stick out his tongue like a victorious toddler even when he knew that things would even out, that he would soon have his own late call while Jared got to go home early.

Jared just had that effect on him, he brought out Jensen’s playful nature. Jay was life and laughter that counteracted Jensen’s propensity towards the melancholy, but the younger actor wasn’t intrusive. Jay didn’t force his presence or his happiness on Jensen, and instead Jensen found himself drawing toward Jared, wanting to be near the other man like a flower turns toward the sun.

Jared was a great friend and that reminded Jensen of the reason he was especially happy to be getting off early today. Christian was coming into town this weekend, flying in early tomorrow morning. He couldn’t wait to see the other man. Chris had been there with him through the bad times and the worse times, and now that things were going great for both of them, Jensen wanted to celebrate the good times together.

He stopped by his trailer to get his duffel bag and grab a bottle of water from the mini-fridge there. Seeing that it was his last bottle, Jensen reminded himself to refill them before next week. It was his and Jared’s latest attempt to be more ‘green’, to refill bottles of water from the jugs of filtered water they had delivered to the house.

With a sigh, he finally got into the back of the car to be driven home. Jensen didn’t know when he stopped referring to the house as ‘Jared’s place’ and started referring to it as ‘home’, but he liked it. Cliff, the driver, even knew Jensen well enough that he didn’t try to make small talk on the ride, just left the actor alone to rest.

Jensen finished the water and leaned his head back against the headrest, allowing the motion of the vehicle to lull him almost to sleep. He got so comfortable that he was practically catatonic when the car pulled up the driveway twenty or so minutes later. With a slurred, “Thanks,” he stumbled out of the car and up to the front door. He was so tired, he could barely manage to get the key in.

When the door finally opened, he practically fell inside. He hadn’t realized he’d been leaning against it so much. Dropping his bag beside the door for now, he bent to greet Jared’s mutts. He continued to call the dogs that even in his head as if it were hiding how much he had gotten attached to them. Jensen suspected that Jared knew anyway.

Making his way to the kitchen, he pulled out a beer, drinking it as he stared at the contents of their fridge. But by this point he was really too tired to eat anything, so tired that he felt almost drunk, swaying on his feet. He should really go take his contacts out though because everything was blurry…

With a gasp, Jensen grabbed for the counter, dropping the beer to shatter on the linoleum, but his flimsy grasp wasn’t enough to prevent the man from joining the bottle a second later.  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& \-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Jared opened the door of the house four hours later, unsurprised that the front hallway’s light was on. Jen often left it on if Jared would be home late so that the younger actor wouldn’t come home to a dark house. He smiled at his housemate’s thoughtfulness and just barely resisted calling out, ‘Honey, I’m home’, mostly because Jen was asleep and not because it would annoy the older man to be called ‘honey’. It was a running joke between them that Jen was the ‘wife’ because he was the domestic one while Jared was the slob.

It was just one of the many things that Jared loved about the other actor, Jen’s thoughtfulness, his quiet caring, how he walked into Jared’s house and made it a home. Jen was the eye of Jared’s hurricane, the quiet center around which Jared’s life circled, even when Jen was egging Jared’s antics on.

What was odd was that his dogs didn’t come running to see him as soon as they heard the door. He frowned in confusion but didn’t yell out for them, again in deference to Jen trying to sleep. Maybe they had gotten in the other man’s bedroom again, Jared wondered, grinning at the thought, remembering what had to be one of the most adorable things he had ever witnessed: the three of them curled together asleep on the bed, Jen in the middle.

He tossed his keys down on the hall table and turned back in time to see Harley poke his head out of the kitchen.

“Harley? C’mere boy…”

Jared trailed off as he rounded the kitchen island that separated the room from the living area.

“Jensen?!”

Jared moved quickly to his friend’s prone form, dropping to his knees, his eyes immediately taking in the brown pieces of broken beer bottle and…was that blood pooling around Jen’s arm?

Leaning over the other man, Jared shook Jen’s shoulder as he shouted, “Jensen! Wake up, man!”

The other man didn’t even twitch though Jared was practically screaming.

“Oh god, oh god…” Jared whispered to himself as he tried to think of what to do. He rolled Jensen over, to try to find the source of the blood, letting out a long exhale of relief when it was just a long scratch on Jen’s arm. Scanning over the rest of his friend, he noticed a bruise forming on Jen’s forehead as well. Did Jensen just trip and fall, knocking himself out?

He tapped Jensen’s cheek and then, in desperation, put his fingers against the man’s neck.

“Oh thank god,” Jared breathed. There was a pulse.

Jared debated with himself. He knew that Jensen wasn’t going to thank him for this, but Jared didn’t know what else to do. He called for help.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Chris paced the hospital waiting room, looking more and more like an animal pacing the length of his cage as he flicked long straight hair out of his face for the millionth time. This wasn’t the weekend that he had been expecting when he had boarded the flight to Vancouver.

But he had been here before, pacing a waiting room the morning after Jensen had done something stupid, given in to the demons that plagued the CW star. Unlike Jared…

Jared who just sat and watched Chris pace in front of him with eyes that kept flashing back to the sight of Jensen on their kitchen floor, arms that remembered the weight of Jen’s limp form, fingers that remembered the feel of Jen’s smooth cool skin. He knew that Chris was avoiding him, what he didn’t know was why.

He couldn’t imagine what had happened. Did Jensen have some sort of medical thing that caused him to pass out? But why would Jen keep it a secret? Eric had seemed just as surprised when Jared had called. He knew that Jen didn’t like to be fussed over, but to keep something like this secret, from his boss, from Jared? Why did Chris know something he didn’t?

In the end it didn’t matter, at least not to Jared, not now. The only thing he wanted to know was that Jensen was ok. The only person he wanted to talk to was Jensen and the why’s and how’s could wait until after Jared had seen the other man with his own eyes.

Chris was trying not to look at the other man, sitting folded into the too-small plastic chair looking like he lost his best friend. Chris cringed at his own thoughts, that expression was far too close to the truth at the present moment.

Chris had gotten off the plane and turned on his phone to see a half dozen frantic messages from the giant man, saying that Jensen had been taken to the hospital and that Chris should head there immediately in a taxi.

But that wasn’t why he was avoiding looking at Jared. It was because he knew more than Jared did. Jared had said that he had walked into their house to find Jensen passed out on the floor. Years ago, Chris had found Jensen much the same way, too much alcohol and too many pills.

Jensen had done it on purpose. Chris learned then that Jen suffered from depression, occurring in episodes that Jensen would probably suffer through all his life. That was something not many people knew, only Jensen’s family and Chris really. Chris only because he was the one who had found the other actor that time, because he hadn’t accepted Jensen’s denials and evasions.

The hospital staff wouldn’t tell Chris and Jared anything, just that they would have to wait until Jensen woke so that he could give permission. Chris had already been on the phone to the Ackles, reassuring them that they didn’t need to hop on a plane, to wait until Chris had seen Jensen.

It was almost noon before the nurse said that Jensen was awake and that he had asked to see Chris first. Chris didn’t need to look at Jared’s face to know the hurt and confusion that would be there so he didn’t. He felt for Jared, being kept in the dark like this, but it wasn’t his secret to tell and Jensen was the only one that he could worry about right now.

He walked into the hospital room to find Jensen half sitting up in the reclined bed, squinting without his glasses against the fluorescent lights, his skin pale except for the noticeable dark circles under his eyes. Jensen’s green eyes tracked his friend’s easy movements across the room as Chris deliberately sat in the chair on the other side from the IV.

Jensen watched the blurry figure of his friend sit with confusion and fear and resignation, the emotions mirrored in Chris’s blue eyes. He had been surprised to wake up in a hospital bed. The doctor had already been in, but Jensen had barely been able to comprehend what the man was saying.

Overdose of Rohypnol, the doctor had said. Repeat suicide attempt, mechanical ventilation... He couldn’t wrap his head around it. He hadn’t taken any pills, didn’t even have any pills and he only remembered drinking that one beer…

“You look like roadkill, son,” Chris finally said his voice deep and familiar to Jensen, as was the hand that reached out to clasp Jensen’s pale one lying on white blankets.

Jensen smiled despite himself. This was why he loved Christian, why he was glad that the country musician was the only one who knew about his previous suicide attempt. The man didn’t sugar coat it. Chris didn’t act like Jensen was damaged or broken, didn’t tiptoe around the issue, didn’t pretend that nothing was wrong. Chris just took care of Jensen, was always there for Jensen. Chris wasn’t usually the most demonstrative person, his own childhood precluded that, but Chris always made the effort to show Jensen that he was loved.

They had an interesting friendship, symbiotic in that Jensen needed someone to care for him and Christian needed someone to care for. They knew things about each other that nobody else did and they trusted each other completely with that knowledge.

Jensen watched Chris’s blue eyes go soft with hurt before Chris spoke again.

“You didn’t call me.”

Of all the things to make tears fill Jensen’s eyes, Jensen hadn’t thought those would be the ones. There was nothing of anger in Christian’s statement, nothing of blame and yet Jensen felt Chris’s self-blame like a knife in the heart.

Ever since that first time, Jensen always called Chris when things got tough, when he started to feel like he was sleep-walking through life with everything out of his reach particularly his own sense of happiness. It was a difficult habit to form, to reach out to Chris for help but Chris didn’t give up. In the beginning Christian had called him all the time, just to check in. And since that first time, Jensen had never lied to the other man. Chris already knew about his weakness, had seen Jensen at his worst so there was no point.

Chris had stayed with him after his first suicide attempt, had seen Jensen in the depths of his depression. Chris had been witness to when Jen was unable to sleep, unwilling to eat, when he didn’t want or have the energy to leave the house.

“There was nothing…” Jensen took a breath to swallow the urge to cry completely before continuing in what he hoped was a strong voice. “Christian, there was nothing to call about. Everything was going great. I didn’t, I didn’t feel like things were slipping away. I didn’t do this, not this time.”

Chris didn’t avert his gaze, didn’t take his hand away, didn’t say anything. It was Jensen who dropped his eyes back to the white blanket on his lap. He knew that Christian didn’t believe him and he didn’t blame the other man. Chris had been there the first time. Jensen had tried to lie that time, to deny what he had done, to say that it was an accident.

That was what everyone else believed, that Jensen had just accidentally drunk too much, that he hadn’t meant to mix alcohol and pills. The incident had been tucked away with all the other young Hollywood stars that partied too hard and ended up in the hospital.

But Chris hadn’t bought it. Chris hadn’t pushed, he had just been there, was understanding and knowing. And eventually Jensen had told Chris everything.

So why would Chris believe him now? When Chris knew how dangerous Jensen could be to himself. No one would believe him, not when he had a history, not when there wasn’t any other explanation.

But the worst part, the part that brought tears again to Jensen’s eyes was that that wasn’t why Chris didn’t believe him. Christian was just being himself, being a great friend keeping Jensen safe even from himself and his lies and denials.

Chris watched as tears filled Jen’s eyes. He didn’t understand how this could have happened, didn’t understand why Jen hadn’t called. They had been through this, been through Jen’s not wanting to inconvenience Chris, Jen’s not wanting to be a ‘whiny baby’ as the younger man had put it. They had been through the denials and the confessions and the reaching out.

But somewhere along the way Chris had fucked up. He hadn’t been there when Jen needed him because Jen had thought Chris didn’t care anymore, or because Jen had thought Chris was too busy or wouldn’t understand, or whatever. He had bought into Jen’s lies of  
happiness.

Christian leaned over and wrapped his arms around Jen’s shoulders, pulling the other man towards him while being careful of the slack in the IV line. Jensen went readily into the hug, turning towards Christian and wrapping his arms around the other man’s broad shoulders.

Jensen knew how difficult this was for Chris. Everyone knew that Chris wasn’t the most emotionally demonstrative person, save for occasional outbursts of anger, but Jensen was the only one who knew exactly how difficult it was for Chris to be emotional. Jensen was the only one who got this kind of comfort rather than the manly commiseration over beer or guitars, usually both. Jensen was the only one who needed it.

And Christian would do anything, give anything to his friends. The man was loyal to a fault and that was the only thing that Jensen would thank the Kane family for. Chris’s family was very strict. His father had ruled the household with an iron fist expecting his son to grow up to be the picture of masculinity.

There had been no praise, no hugs or physical affection, no sympathy even from his mother who was quiet and completely submissive to her husband’s will. There had only been a father who berated Chris constantly, who expected Chris to be obedient and athletic and perfect, a difficult prospect for a young boy who loved theater and music and wanted to study art history, who had a hard on for his male math teacher as well as the head cheerleader.

Chris had rebelled, of course. Chris dropped out of college and ran away to Hollywood to pursue his dreams. He drank and smoked and did crazy dangerous stunts. He partied and was gregarious and a blast to be around, but few people knew that there was more to the man than that.

But Jensen needed comfort, needed to be shown that he was loved and cared about, needed the same things that Chris had needed as a child and so Chris had learned to do so. Jensen needed words, Chris forced them out. Jensen needed hugs, Chris opened his arms. Christian, who was only comfortable showing his emotions in angry outbursts, learned to be control his temper, learned patience.

But now? Jensen didn’t know what to do besides cling to Chris’s strength and try to control the sobs threatening to break free.

Eventually Jensen pulled away. He wiped his face though only a few tears had escaped and they were well past the point where he would be embarrassed about them.

Chris squeezed the back of Jen’s neck once before letting the other man go completely.

“Jared’s here.”

“I know.” Jensen just didn’t know what to do about it.

“You should tell him the truth.”

Jensen figured that jerking away should tell Chris what he thought of that suggestion without words.

Chris resisted the urge to sigh. “Jensen, he’s a good guy, a good friend. He’s not going to judge you. He was worried sick about you. Literally, I was worried that he was either going to pass out or throw up. He’s going to know something’s wrong. Y’all work together 24 hours a day. Hell, you live with the guy.”

Standing, Chris offered a last comment. “And I’ll be here.”

Jensen nodded. He knew exactly how great a guy Jared was and that was why he didn’t want to tell the younger actor. He didn’t want Jared to look at him any differently, to look at him with accusations and disdain, and the worst, pity in his dark eyes.

Chris was different. When Chris hugged him, he knew that he was also hugging Chris, knew that Chris needed it just as much, that Chris had his own demons to seek refuge from. But Jared…Jay was light and innocence and Jensen didn’t want to be the one to introduce him to the darkness.

Of course, lying and saying that it was an accident like he did last time, that he had just gotten carried away with the drink and drugs…he didn’t want to tell Jared that either. His other friends hadn’t been horrified by the idea that Jensen did recreational drugs. Maybe they kept more of an eye out for him at parties for a while afterwards, but Jared, Jensen was trying to set a good example for the younger man, wanted to be a responsible example that just because you were an actor didn’t mean you had to get carried away with that kind of thing. And he certainly couldn’t tell Jay that he didn’t know how it happened, that he didn’t remember doing anything more than having a beer.

Chris walked back out to the waiting room, Jared popping up out of the chair he had been sitting in like a jack-in-the-box.

“How is he?’ Jared’s voice was frantic and he didn’t do a damn thing to cover up his desperation.

Chris looked at him with blue eyes that were often too knowing but this was the only time that Jared had seen such compassion in them off of film.

“He wants to see you.” Which Chris told himself was not exactly a lie, but it didn’t matter because Jared practically knocked him down in his haste to get to Jensen’s room.

It was obvious from the way the door burst open that it was Jared behind it. Chris had been right. Jared looked more than a little disheveled, tired and greasy and still, it was good to see him.

“God, Jen. Are you ok?”

Jared didn’t wait for an answer before moving forward. He had to touch, to make sure that Jensen was really there, was really ok with all his Jensen pieces intact.

Jared started with Jen’s feet, squeezing them underneath the blanket, moving up Jen’s legs quickly, patting his gown-covered chest and finally running his hands over Jen’s face and hair. And Jensen didn’t say a thing. It wasn’t surprising for Jay to touch him, but it was the frantic nature of the touches, the desperation on Jay’s face that struck Jensen. Jared had been really, really worried.

He had done that. He worried his best friend, his mom was probably crying down in Richardson, Christian was blaming himself…

“Jen? Talk to me. What happened? Nobody’ll tell me anything.” His hands still on Jen’s face, Jared’s words came out in a rush and he trusted in Jen’s familiarity in all things Jared to be able to interpret it.

“Jared, I’m fine. Calm down, it was nothing.”

Yanking his hands back Jared exploded. “Nothing! Jen, you were…you were lying unconscious in the middle of the kitchen on a broken beer bottle! What happened?”

And there it was. The shock and anger that never came from Chris, not even the first time. And still Jensen found himself wanting to be honest with Jared. The other man deserved it.

“I…It was an overdose, a reaction of pills and the beer I drank.”

“What?! But you don’t do pills.”

“I know. I don’t, but I…I have depressive episodes.”

“You…? You did this, you tried to kill yourself on purpose?!”

Jared sank into the nearest chair, one hand scraping through his tangle of hair. “And Chris, he knew…”

Jensen kept his eyes firmly on the blanket as he nodded. “I’ve done it before.”

“And he knew…Christ, Jen, you tried to kill yourself?!”

Jensen gritted his teeth. He was not going to cry, not in front of Jared. This was his fault and Jared’s blame was the least of what he deserved. But he didn’t remember, he didn’t know why he would have done this now?

“Why? Why wouldn’t you talk to me? Why…?”

Jensen couldn’t help the small sob that escaped then. That was always the question: why. Why did he do it? Why didn’t he ask for help? Why, why, why. But that was just how it was. He didn’t know why some things triggered these episodes where he couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, where he couldn’t seem to reach his friends because he felt trapped, where he couldn’t feel anything. Doctors had talked about neurotransmitters and triggers and genetics, but he didn’t know why.

Jen’s small noise broke through the shock that had flooded Jared’s mind. Immediately he reacted, practically crawling on the bed to hug his best friend. But Jen was stiff in his arms, stiff like Jen hadn’t been since the first week that they had known one another. And he felt guilty because it was his fault that Jen couldn’t stand to be near him.

Jared hadn’t meant to sound so accusing, but he didn’t understand. Jen was beautiful and talented and smart. How could Jensen possibly think that life wasn’t worth living? And they lived practically in each other’s pockets, how did Jared not know? Why hadn’t he told Jared that he was prone to depression? Why had Jen thought that he had to keep it a secret?

When Jen still didn’t relax, Jared finally pulled back to look into tired green eyes.

“Can you get Chris and the doctor? I’m ready to get out of here.”

Jared wasn’t finished in the least asking all the questions he wanted answers to, but he couldn’t possibly resist a request from Jensen, especially not when the other man was hurting so clearly.

So he left, left Jen looking small and pale in his hospital gown and covered in blankets like a little boy.

Chris was waiting in the hallway, his head down so that his face was hidden by a curtain of hair, chewing on one thumb in worry while the other arm was wrapped around his middle. He wasn’t so close that he could overhear, but close enough that he could be there quick.

“Jen wants you…and the doctor.”

Chris looked up and let this sigh out. Jared looked like a kicked puppy, his floppy hair taking the place of hang-dog ears. But since Jensen lived with the guy, Chris figured that he should make an attempt to smooth things over.

“Hey, it’s not personal, you know. He didn’t tell anybody. The only reason I know is because I was in your shoes last time.”

Jared grimaced at the idea of Jensen doing this more than once, of Jen lying on some other floor unconscious and vulnerable.

“But why?” Jared shook his head. He didn’t even know how to finish that sentence, but Chris seemed to have an answer anyway.

“There was nothing that you could have done. You couldn’t have ‘cheered him up’, it doesn’t work like that. It’s a disease and it’s not his fault and it’s not yours either.”

Jared nodded. Chris only wished that he could believe that himself.

“Hey. I’m probably gonna be at your house a little longer than anticipated, if that’s ok…?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. The spare bedroom’s yours anytime you want it.”

“Actually, do you have an air mattress I could use?” Chris waited for Jared’s confused nod before continuing. “Great, I’ll stay in Jen’s room. C’mon, I already asked for the doctor.”

Hesitantly, Jared followed Chris back down to Jensen’s room, not entirely sure of his welcome. He watched with avid eyes as Chris sat in a chair and reached out to squeeze Jen’s arm. It wasn’t that Chris was anti-social or that he never touched people, but he was more of the masculine, ‘slap you on the back so hard you’ll see stars’ variety, not usually this soft reassurance.

“So Jared said I could stay for a while…”

“Chris, you can’t. You have all kinds of things going on, things are going great for you and I won’t have you jeopardize any of it to baby-sit me.”

“Quiet. The album’s been recorded, but there’s no publicity stuff yet and Leverage is on hiatus since it’ll be on in the summer.”

Jensen knew better than to really argue with Chris, but he did make one last plea. “Please, Christian, if you need to go do something, go. I will be fine.”

Jared couldn’t understand how Jensen could think that this was fine, but he didn’t say anything. He felt completely out of his depth, out of the loop, and he didn’t want to be the one to upset Jensen again.

“So how’s season four? Kripke come up with anything particularly cruel this season?”

Jensen let a small smile cross his lips. Chris wasn’t trying to be the master of deception, asking that like he’s not asking what had happened at work that might have triggered Jensen’s episode. Chris was killing two birds with one stone. He was asking if anything had been difficult at work, knowing that Jensen knew that, but he was also asking just as Jensen’s friend asking about life.

And that’s how Chris had gotten so much out of him over the years, by being the complete opposite of sneaky. Not like Christian knew what the word subtle meant anyway, the man definitely suffered from ‘bull in the china shop’ syndrome.

“Oh, Eric has come up with all kinds of shit to torture us this season. I think Dean has bawled like a baby in at least half the episodes and then there was that episode that he screamed like a girl.” Jensen chuckled.

Jared chuckled a little as well, because Jensen making that high-pitched shrieking noise had to have been one of the highlights of Jared’s whole life, but he was also discomfited by this conversation. Chris and Jen talking like they’re not sitting in the hospital, like Jen hadn’t tried to kill himself for God’s sake, a concept Jared was still having trouble wrapping his sleep-deprived brain around.

And Chris smiled big and genuine at Jen’s words, saying, “Is that so? Well I’ll have to watch that one then,” and looking over at Jared to confirm that it really was girl-worthy.

So Jared was reluctantly dragged into a conversation about work, laughing genuinely himself, but watching Chris’s blue eyes as they searched for the catch, the hidden meaning in their stories. Jared almost felt indignant about Chris searching for something that Jared hadn’t seen, but he had to remind himself that Chris knew more than he did. Chris had been aware of this since he didn’t know when. But why then hadn’t Jen told Chris that something was wrong, why would Jen try to kill himself knowing that Chris would be there the next day?

Finally the nurse entered the room just as they were laughing about Jared’s practical joke in which the “Eye of the Tiger” song had been left playing, leaving Jensen hanging. Course, Jared hadn’t known that Jensen would run with it quite like that.

It was Chris who stood and helped a woozy Jensen into a t-shirt and sweatpants and then the wheelchair. Jared watched as Jen actually reached for Chris’s helping hand, as Jen’s long form leaned into the shorter man’s strength. And Jared was completely, totally jealous.

Yeah, Jen had been friends with Chris for longer than he had known Jared, but still. Jared was with Jen all the time. Jensen was the first person he saw in the morning and almost always that last person that he saw at night. Jared made Jen’s coffee in the mornings and Jen made Jared’s dinner at night. They did house work together, they took care of the dogs together. They talked on the phone practically every day when they were apart.

Jen had supported and taken care of Jared during everything in the last four years from a cold to his break-up with Sandy. It was supposed to be Jared returning the favor now. But Jensen didn’t trust him, and Jared would do everything in his power to gain that trust.

Chris could see the emotions written across Jared’s open face. As easily as he could see the humiliation in Jen’s body language.

He knew it was mostly a misunderstanding, Jared thinking that Jensen didn’t trust him and Jen being embarrassed at being weak and needy in front of the younger actor. He tried to keep the irritation off his own face. As unqualified as he was to handle Jen’s depression, he was even less qualified to fix the two men’s friendship.

Chris slid into the back seat behind Jensen as Jared climbed into the driver’s seat. Deciding not to worry about Jared for now, Chris reached over to pat Jen’s thigh, just above his knee. Jensen caught his hand before he could pull it back though.

Jensen held Chris’s hand against his leg, feeling its warmth even through the sweatpants he was wearing. He stared at the contrasts between them. Chris’s skin was darker, a warm golden color unlike Jensen’s paler white or even the olive of Jay’s skin. But that wasn’t the only difference.

Chris’s hand was thick, strong, capable. Just like the man himself. If Jensen suffered sometimes from an absence of feeling, then Chris felt too much, and didn’t know how to express it. Where Jensen would sink into sadness and numbness, Chris would go into a frenzy.

Jensen was the only one who knew that there was more to Chris being angry and violent, that anger and violence were the only macho, acceptable way to express Chris’s own weakness and self-loathing, that the pain in his knuckles or his jaw were punishment for Chris’s inability to live up to his father’s ideals. Jensen the only one who knew that there were a few old scars crossing Chris’s golden skin, scars that Chris had inflicted himself as a lonely, angst-ridden teen with few other coping options.

But Chris always fought, never gave up like Jensen. The older man would blow up and then carry on, hoarding his feelings of inadequacy until the next time.

Jensen didn’t even notice as they pulled up outside Jared’s house. ‘Jared’s house’, in his mind Jensen was already distancing himself from the younger man, as if he were no longer welcome, no longer acceptable.

He got out of the car after Chris, trying to shrug off the lethargy from the car ride. He could feel Jared’s concerned eyes on him. Jensen knew that they weren’t done talking about this. Jared wasn’t the type of person that just let you push him away if he thought you were hurt. Kind of like Christian.

The three men walked into the two-story house, all weary. It would be an early night tonight. But first there were a few things to take care of.

“So, where’s that air mattress?”

Chris just ignored Jen’s scowl at being ‘baby-sat’, dropping his duffel in Jen’s room as Jared bounded up the stairs. Jensen went directly to his beside table, grabbing his glasses that Jared had forgotten to take to the hospital.

“I’m gonna let the dogs back in,” Jared reappeared, handing the folded mattress and the inflator thingamabob over. “Oh, and you should probably call Eric.”

Jensen scowled again and Jared was quick to the rescue. “Or I could do it, whatever you want me to tell him.”

“No.” Jensen’s answer was quick and firm. He was an adult and he was going to be responsible for his own mistakes, not hide behind Jared. Not that he was actually going to admit to his boss that he was a suicide risk. Ha, like he’d be able to find work after that.

So Jensen had an uncomfortable but blessedly short telephone conversation with his boss while Chris blew up the air mattress and Jared played with the mutts to make up for leaving them outside so long, a conversation during which Jensen promised to never, ever take drugs again and to be at work on time on Monday.

Jensen could tell that Chris was conflicted about him going back to the set so soon, but the older man didn’t say anything. Except…

“You should call the therapist, too.” Chris’s voice was gruff and no-nonsense. The voice of a man too used to being obeyed, Jensen thought momentarily bitter. Course that just made him feel guilty.

“They’re not open on the weekend, but I promise to call them on Monday.” Jensen had had a referral for a therapist in Vancouver since he had first moved up here for Smallville. He had been to see her a few times, more when he had first moved, but he did check in with her regularly, usually on Chris’s insistence.

He had been on medication before, and he had a referral for a psychiatrist up here as well, but Jensen hated being reliant on pills. He only took them during his weakest moments and tried not to stay on them too long. Fortunately as of yet Chris hadn’t mentioned that.

Which was just as well. Jensen didn’t want to go on pills when he didn’t feel depressed. He could clearly feel anger and frustration at this situation, totally deserved guilt for worrying Chris and Jay and his family, embarrassment at disappointing Jay and Chris and his boss for God’s sake.

Maybe he needed a different kind of pills, ones for a psychotic break because Jensen could not figure out how this happened.  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

By the time they all congregated back in the living room, it was already five and they quickly decided to cook an early dinner so that they could go to sleep early as well.

Chris volunteered to cook it, but Jensen quickly offered his help. Jared mostly just flitted around the kitchen, yabbering on, only wanting to be near Jen as much as possible. All in all, it felt really normal, none of them mentioning their current predicament. Christian never did like to push Jensen.

Christian was surprised by Jen’s offer of help. Last time they had been in this position, and every time afterward that Jen had hit a slump, the last thing Jensen had wanted was food. Nor had Jen wanted to expend energy on anything besides fidgeting restlessly. Chris had, of course, planned on checking how much Jensen ate, but maybe things were different this time. Maybe because of Jared.

Last time Jensen had lived alone, had been out of work, but not this time. Maybe Jensen had been trying to keep up the appearances of normality not to worry Jared. As blue eyes scanned over his taller friend, Jensen didn’t seem to have lost weight like he had done before. In fact, Jen seemed in better shape than ever, no doubt because of the work outs with Jared that Jen had told him about.

And Jensen was smiling, laughing realistically at something that Jared had said, Chris didn’t know what because he had stopped listening a while back. Jensen was a great actor, but this was beyond Oscar worthy.

And Chris couldn’t help being nervous at the changes this time around. If things were different then Christian had a whole new opportunity to fuck up.

Dinner was uneventful. Christian talked about recording his first solo album, hopefully his first breakout hit. Jensen was so encouraging, Christian almost believed him when he said how great Chris’s talent was. Even if Christian couldn’t quite drown out the voice in his head that told him how he was wasting his life, pandering to the audience like a whore for meaningless fame.

After dinner, he managed to get both J’s on the couch while he did the dishes when his phone rang. Chris knew from the ring tone that it was Steve and he couldn’t help how his heart skipped a beat in his chest. It had been a while since they had spoken, both being busy with their careers and now living in different states.

He hollered to the boys that he was taking a call outside. Jared took the opportunity of Chris’s absence to turn towards Jen on the couch, muting the movie they were half-watching. Jensen knew what Jared wanted, that the younger actor was ready to continue their conversation from earlier. Chris was right, he would have to be honest if he wanted to salvage his friendship with Jay.

Jared was surprised when Jen turned towards him as well, folding one long leg under him. Jen was meeting him head on even if his green eyes were nervous as well as determined. Jared couldn’t help reaching out one large hand to grasp his friend’s thigh, his thumb rubbing unconsciously over the seam of Jen’s jeans. He needed to feel Jen, needed Jensen to feel him.

Jensen couldn’t quite explain the tight feeling in his stomach at the feel of it. Sure, Jared touched him all the time, like a puppy begs for attention, but never with these purposeful strokes, never while looking at him with such intensity in his eyes like Jensen was the only thing that he could see.

“Jen, I’m sorry that I got so upset earlier. I was surprised. I just can’t believe…” The dark eyes lowered to his lap momentarily, before meeting Jensen’s green ones hidden behind glasses and continuing. “I just want to understand, I want to help.”

Jensen licked his lips in his nervousness, before responding gruffly, sounding more like Dean Winchester than himself. “Like what do you want to know?”

“How long?”

“Uhh, I was diagnosed at fourteen. My parents recognized the symptoms…I didn’t…not then.”

Jen shrugged then, like it wasn’t a big deal that he had been fighting a mental illness since his early teens. Jared had to fight to rein in his anger and frustration, his desire to shake Jen until his brain rattled in his head, either that or wrap Jen up in his arms and never let go. Jesus Christ, how did Kane deal with this? How did Kane who blew up at the slightest provocation come to be the person Jensen turned to with  
this?

Jared shook those thoughts out of his head. “What about the first time?”

It was Jensen who looked down this time, staring at Jay’s large hand covering his leg before giving in and grasping that hand with his own, entangling their fingers.

“After Dark Angel was cancelled. I didn’t have a whole lot of prospects, but couldn’t admit that I had failed, wouldn’t go back to soaps. And…Jessica. I…” Jensen stopped momentarily, flushing red at having to admit this. “I didn’t know she and Michael had a thing, that she was only using me to get back at him.”

Jared rubbed his thumb over the back of Jen’s hand, hating the defensive set to Jen’s posture, the embarrassment apparent in his voice.

“What about your family? Isn’t…isn’t depression genetic? Have any of them…”

“My mom.” The words came out of Jen’s mouth almost against his will. “And my sister.”

Jared felt the air leave his lungs as he considered the consequences that Jen’s simple statement would have on Jen’s childhood. “So when you were growing up....?”

Jensen nodded knowing what Jared was picturing in his head. “Yeah. She had good times and bad times. Days when she couldn’t get out of bed, Josh and I would try to entertain McKenzie quietly. Sometimes we’d bring her food and leave it outside the door.”

Jared nodded, not knowing what to say. He thought of how reserved Jensen was, how quiet sometimes, and he imagined an equally quiet little boy who didn’t understand why his mom didn’t want to be with them.

Jensen read that concern on Jared’s face and continued, “It wasn’t that bad. My dad always tried to make up for it, I guess. He was always planning something for us to do on the weekends.”

That didn’t make the picture in Jared’s head any rosier. It was the inconsistency of Jen’s childhood that bothered him. He had met Jen’s mom and she seemed like a really nice lady, a great mom, but to have happy days and sad days, days when she couldn’t be with her kids for no reason that her children could see or understand. It would have been like being punished when you hadn’t done anything wrong.

Jared opened his mouth, not knowing what to say, but the bark of the dogs signaled that Christian was coming back inside.

“Can the dogs come in?” Christian shouted.

“Sure,” Jared replied, disappointed when Jen took his hand away, moving his leg away from Jared’s hand as well as he situated back towards the television.

It didn’t matter since a mere moment later two dogs were rushing in, begging for more attention that Chris could apparently provide by himself. Still, Jared couldn’t help looking back over at Jensen, memorizing the strong profile of the other man’s face as the reality that Jen could have died flowed over him again. The thought that he could have lost Jensen was so enormous, Jared just wanted to wrap his arms around Jen, hide them both under the covers of his bed, make sure that Jensen never had anything to be sad over again.

He didn’t have time to think about it because Chris was speaking again.

“That was Steve.”

Jensen collapsed back against the couch, not wanting to have to deal with more people, even if they were his best friends. His best friends that he had been lying to.

“What’d you tell him?”

Christian frowned at the implication that he would tell Jensen’s business to even Steve. “No more than the basics, you went to the hospital for an overdose. He’s catching the next flight, should be here tomorrow evening.”

Jensen swallowed his groan at the unwelcome news, feeling ungrateful even as he did so. He shouldn’t be upset that his friends cared about him.

Christian apparently thought the same. “You overdose twice and people are gonna worry, Jen.”

“I know. He’s probably planning some sort of intervention.”

Christian let out a surprised snorted chuckle. Jensen joking about this was definitely throwing him for a loop.

“Yeah he probably is. So you can either go to rehab or tell him the truth.”

Jensen frowned. Chris was like a parent, he didn’t tell Jensen what to do, but he certainly made it clear what choice he hoped Jensen made. Chris wouldn’t even be disappointed if Jensen chose otherwise. It was Chris’s desire to help him that got Jensen to cave, he just couldn’t stand Chris’s constant support and caring without giving the man something in return, something to make Chris feel that he was helping, that he was being useful and was needed.

Chris settled into a chair, Harley’s head on his knee. Sadie sat between Jensen and Jared, and they watched tv for a while before they were all falling asleep.

“Jen, you’re falling asleep there, how ‘bout we head to bed?”

Jared started out of his own doze at Chris’s voice. He turned his head to see Jensen’s long eyelashes flutter as he rested his head on the back of the couch. Jen still looked pale with dark bruises under his eyes, exhausted and vulnerable. Jared couldn’t help reaching out a hand to touch Jen’s unshaved cheek, watching as Jen woke more at the touch.

Exhausted himself, Jared still heaved himself off the couch and then reached for Jensen. Gripping the other man’s biceps, Jared hefted Jen to his feet as well. He was well versed in how to deal with a sleepy Jenny from four years of early calls and late nights.

But after the events of the day, Jared couldn’t help pulling Jen into a tight hug, reveling in the feel of Jensen warm and relaxed against him, nothing like he had been when Jared had clung to his lax body last night.

Jensen exhaled and wrapped his own arms around Jay’s waist, tucking his face into the other man’s neck. Jensen was wary of being coddled but he could tell that wasn’t the motivation behind the hug. There was too much desperation in it and so they simply clung to one another for a long moment.

Finally they separated, Jared’s eyes suspiciously wet as he moved to take the stairs up to his own room with a cursory ‘goodnight’. Chris was used to the affectionate nature of the other two men’s relationship and went ahead into Jen’s bedroom to find his toothbrush.

The air mattress turned out to be more comfortable than Christian had thought. He was always nervous about the things, being a not insubstantial guy, and afraid that they would pop under his weight even though he knew that was really unlikely.

Jensen turned out the light before crawling into his own bed, shifting for a moment before he couldn’t resist speaking.

“You really don’t have to sleep in here this time, Chris.”

“No different than last time, Jen.”

Jensen sighed. It was different than last time, completely different because he wasn’t depressed! But he didn’t say that.

“So what else did Steve say?”

Jensen couldn’t help asking. Even though Chris wouldn’t admit it, he knew that Chris had a huge crush on the other musician. Christian was just too afraid to do anything about it and Steve too oblivious to see the great guy in front of him.

Christian buried his face in the pillow momentarily, half-debating suffocating himself to get out of talking about this again. Finally he got up and went over to the bed.

“Move over.”

Jensen just lifted his head, the question obvious.

“Move over. Since you insist on having a slumber party, Jenny, I’m not talking to you from the floor.”

“Fine, Chrissy.” Grumbling simply out of habit, Jensen moved more to the side of the big bed. It wasn’t like he really minded, he and Chris had certainly shared a bed before, most notably after his last suicide attempt. Only suicide attempt.

“So what’d Steve say?” Jensen asked again as soon as Chris slid under the covers. Chris lay on his side facing Jensen who lay on his stomach.

“Not a lot. He was concerned about you and said that he would come up. He said that there wasn’t anything he couldn’t miss the next couple of days.” Christian didn’t say how he felt like Steve didn’t trust him to take care of Jensen.

“You seen him lately?”

If Jensen was going for casual, Chris wasn’t stupid enough to buy it. “No, you know how it is. We’ve both been really busy.”

Yeah, Jensen knew how it was. Chris had moved to Nashville for a major record contract, an opportunity too big to pass up particularly when Steve was fine with it and already had a solo career. But Jensen couldn’t also help thinking that Chris was running away.

Away from the person that could build Chris up or tear him down with a single word of praise or criticism, all without Steve’s knowledge. Now that the pressure on Christian was greatest, he was more isolated than ever. And Jensen thought that Christian away from his friends was trying to be more self-  
contained, more perfect, more of his father’s son. Jensen knew that Chris didn’t think that he deserved to be loved and cared for, especially not by Steve whom Chris had put on a pretty high pedestal.

Sometimes Jensen felt guilty. That Chris taking care of Jensen was just allowing Chris to ignore his own problems, was feeding into Christian’s idea that he always had to be the strong one. On the other hand, it seemed to give Chris a sense of value, of self-worth. And in the end, Jensen hadn’t yet figured out to tell Christian what to do.

“Are you ok with Jared knowing? With Steve?”

Jensen had to think about that for a minute. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, Jared’s been pretty good about it. He was upset and a little too keen to coddle me, but…”

Chris laughed, the sound a soft rumble of affection in the quiet darkness. “Maybe you need a little coddling.”

“I just never wanted everybody to know.”

“It doesn’t have to be everybody, but these are your friends. Depression is a part of you, but it doesn’t define you.”

In the silence that stretched out between them, Chris reached out a hand, stroking Jensen’s back. It saddened Jensen a little, thinking that Chris had probably gotten the idea from tv, but never had had his own back rubbed in comfort. But it was also really soothing.

Christian watched as Jensen fell asleep, twitching a little at first, his face still turned towards Chris on the pillow. That was different too. Though Jen normally slept a lot, last time, Jensen had a hard time sleeping. And he really doubted that this back rubbing had magic sleep powers. It could be some drugs left in his system.

Chris knew that he himself wasn’t going to be falling asleep soon. His own mind was racing over too many things, too worried that this was a false peace, that Jen would wake up in an hour.

He had spoken to Jensen on the phone regularly, like always. Had Jensen fallen into a major episode and deliberately hid it from him? Or had the feelings only started recently before this, instead of last time when it had been going on for months before Jensen had attempted anything? And there actually was nothing that said that Jensen had to react the same way to every episode.

And now Steve was coming. Christian couldn’t say how he felt about that. It really had been months since they had last seen each other, they hadn’t even spoken on the phone much. Of course, he’d love to see Steve, but his priority needed to be Jensen right now. And Steve always tied him up in knots.

It really was no surprise that Chris had fallen for the blonde musician. Steve was beautiful and Chris was in awe of his talent, of Steve’s attitude, how he was comfortable in his own skin and comfortable expressing himself.

And Steve was the first person to take Christian’s music seriously, to help Chris write his own songs and believed that Chris had something to say. Steve was patient when Christian couldn’t find the words to express himself. But Steve would never consider Chris a partner. Christian knew what everyone thought about him, what even Steve thought about him. That he was a loose cannon, emotionally stunted, immature, too crazy, too macho, too muscled, too angry and temperamental.

And they were all right. Chris knew that he had a temper, that he had the emotional maturity of a fetus and the self-awareness of a goldfish. And he cared entirely too much what Steve thought of him, which occasionally caused him to put on more of a front than usual trying to shield himself.  
In the end Christian drifted in and out of sleep throughout the night, so worried that his subconscious kept waking him up. By 8am he pretty much felt like crap, but decided to get up rather than continue lying there.

He left Jensen to sleep. It was the weekend and everyone knew that Jen liked to spend as much of the weekend sleeping as possible. At least normally. Quietly he got out his toiletries and a change of clothes and headed to the bathroom.

A shower did a lot to jumpstart him, clear away the cobwebs. Christian even took the time to rub one out. It was perfunctory mostly, certainly not the first time that he had imagined Steve’s face or body while he stroked himself, and mostly Chris just hoped that it would relax him a little.

He left his hair wet and down and dressed in comfortable jeans and a t-shirt. No one was around when he went into the kitchen and by the dogs’ conspicuous absence, Chris figured that Jared had taken them on a morning run.

Not knowing when Jensen would get up, Christian just poured himself a bowl of cereal. If Jensen wanted something else, he’d make it when Jen got up. Jared had also left a pot of coffee warm. Christian considered having a cup, but decided that it wouldn’t be fair since he wasn’t going to let Jensen have any. Christian also didn’t smoke or drink around Jen when he was in this kind of mood. He poured the coffee out and washed the pot.

By the time Jared came back in, Chris was lying on the couch reading some book he found lying around. It was The Alchemist by Paul Coelho and was actually pretty good. They exchanged short greetings before Jared went upstairs for his own shower, leaving the dogs to drink water and then lie on the floor beside the couch where Christian’s hand would occasionally pet them.

At ten twenty, Jared was eating another bowl of cereal when Chris heard the shower start. Twenty minutes later, Jensen appeared still looking tired but he generally looked like that until noon.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” Chris drawled not even looking up from the book as Jen collapsed into the chair.

“Fuck off you.”

Christian chuckled. “You want anything for breakfast?”

Jensen shook his head. “No.” He didn’t normally eat anything in the mornings, but he knew that everything he did at this point was circumspect.

Still Chris wouldn’t force him to eat and he knew that he wouldn’t be getting any coffee. Grudgingly he agreed with Chris that he shouldn’t have any anyway. He looked at what Chris was reading.

“Hey, where’d you find that book?”

Chris finally looked up. “It was on the floor, half underneath the couch.”

“I’ve been looking for that damn thing. I haven’t even gotten to read it yet.”

“Well, it’s pretty good.”

“Gee thanks.”

Jared walked in, already chewing on candy from the bag he brought into the room with him. The youngest actor was obviously a little discomfited at the ‘morning after’ so to speak.

“Hey, Jen. How’re you feeling?”

Jensen would have been annoyed. He didn’t want his friends to view him any differently, didn’t want them to be awkward around him and…careful. It was the genuine concern on Jay’s face that prevented him from being snide though. “I’m fine, Jay. Really.”

Jared huffed as he sat down on the chair on the other side of the couch, taking offense of Jensen’s continued use of the word ‘fine’. Christian put the book down on the coffee table and sat up, intending to take charge so that they wouldn’t be sitting around all day worrying.

Jensen beat him to be the first to speak though. “Well, I’ve got some laundry that needs doing and then you wanna go out for lunch?” He had meant to do the laundry the night before Chris got here but he left that part out.

Chris was clearly stunned by the pronouncement, but Jared hopped up again.

“Oh, I’ve got some laundry too. And we need to go to the grocery later.”

Christian watched the two men walk away. What the fuck?! Seriously, Jensen was going to do laundry, suggested going out to eat? Last time it was all Chris could do to keep Jensen himself clean. He practically dragged the man out of the apartment just to go to the therapy appointments. It was a month before Jensen went to an audition. Now, the day after, Jensen was acting like nothing had happened which frankly was freaking Chris out more than when Jen had lain in his bed all day.

Christian almost went after Jen but he didn’t want to discourage Jen from taking care of himself. He didn’t know quite what to do really, besides keep an eye out if this façade cracked. He was well versed in waiting Jensen out, waiting til Jensen spilled what was going on in his head.

Christian finished the book before it was time to put on their shoes to go out. He had heard Jensen, and of course Jared, laughing as they did the laundry, talking about something that had happened on set.

The day was really quite nice. They had lunch at a nice Italian place close by since Christian didn’t really need a tour of the city at this point. Then went to the grocery store where he followed behind Jensen who pushed the cart while Jared bounced around grabbing the most ridiculous things, most of which Jensen would put back as Jared bounced away again.

Really they were pretty much nauseatingly domestic, fitting together like a hand and glove, one’s strengths offsetting the other’s weaknesses. It made Christian wish for all kinds of things he couldn’t have.

They spent the rest of the day on the couch, watching some show on MSNBC called Lockup which profiled men in prison. The show was slightly appalling but completely engrossing and they watched hours of it.

It wasn’t until after dinner that Steve called to say he was on his way to Jared’s house in a taxi. After that the atmosphere of the house suddenly became a lot more tense and quiet. Chris moved to sit closer to Jensen on the couch, his hand on Jen’s arm with the tv muted. Jared sat quietly in one of the chairs. Jared had not actually spoken to Jensen about Steve’s visit, but he very well knew from the atmosphere what Jensen was about to do. Chris knew that it would be particularly difficult to tell Steve because Jen had already lied.

Christian didn’t have any words of encouragement that he didn’t think sounded contrite, but he hoped that the physical touch would remind Jen that he had at least one person to turn to if things got to be too much.

Jared was the one to open the door when the knock came. Steve stood there with his duffel over a shoulder and his blonde hair pulled back in a pony tail to show a face tight with tension. They shared a look but no words before Jared led the other man into the living room.

Steve had thought of nothing but this moment since Chris had told him the news, but still he had no idea of what to say. As he entered the living room, his eyes first catalogued Jen’s appearance. Jensen seemed remarkably untouched, not really any worse for his latest accident. It was really Chris that called attention, he was sitting too close, his hand gently stroking Jen’s arm, his blue eyes more concerned than Steve had ever seen and they were looking only at Jensen.

“Jensen, are you ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, Steve, I’m ok. I…well, I guess we need to talk.”

Steve nodded. Damn right they needed to talk, this was clearly out of control. Once was an accident, twice was a problem.

He looked around the room, not really knowing where to sit. Steve wanted to be close to Jensen but he was pressed between the arm of the couch and a very close Chris. He considered sitting on the coffee table but ended up in the chair. This wasn’t the scenario that he had had in his head, he sort of felt like he had an audience for what was no doubt going to be a difficult conversation.

“Jen…”

“Just listen, ok?”

Steve nodded, watching as Jensen’s green eyes flicked toward Chris as he seemed to gather himself, watched as Chris’s hand seemed to tighten on Jen’s arm in reassurance. Then Jen looked back at him.

“I…Fuck, Steve, it wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t an accident that last time either. I was trying…” Fuck, Jensen couldn’t say it. He looked back over to Chris, pleading with his eyes for what Jensen didn’t even know.

“Suicide,” Chris spoke up. “It was an attempt at suicide.”

Christian was looking at Jensen when he said the words, wanting Jen to face it, to accept it, not to hide anymore. And hearing it said like that, straight out, to his friends. A fact, suicidal, even if Jensen hadn’t done it this time it would always be a part of him, always a risk. Tears filled green eyes as blood rushed to Jensen’s face, his full lower lip wobbling even as he tried to swallow the tears down.

“Hey,” Christian’s arm went around Jen’s shoulders pulling the wilted form tight against his side. He bent his head in to speak just to Jensen whose face was already turned toward Chris in hiding.

“It’s ok. You’re gonna be ok. That’s not all you are. It’s not your fault.”

Now it was Steve who felt like he was in the audience, witness to a personal moment. His breath caught in his throat at the emotional scene, his eyes flicked to Jared sitting in the other chair, seeing tears run down his cheeks as well. Steve hadn’t understood what Jensen was getting at, at first, but now he felt like a lot of pieces were clicking in his mind. And Jensen was turning towards Chris for comfort and strength, though Chris’s eyes were agonized as he rubbed Jen’s arm and whispered comforting words.

With a few shuddering breaths, Jensen pulled it together and turned back to Steve. And Steve said the only thing that came to mind.

“Oh, Jen, I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I…it’s been going on a long time. I have help, I have a therapist, my family knows and Chris…”

Steve nodded, not knowing what to say, how to help. “I…I’ll do anything to help. I just wanted to be here, if you needed anything.”

“I appreciate it. Really. It was time I told you, I guess.”

As a short silence stretched, Christian looked from one man to the other, figuring that now that everything was out there, maybe they needed a moment alone.

“Steve, let me get you something to eat.” Chris turned to Jensen, seeing his nod before turning to Jared. “Jared, help please.”

Jared jumped up as if eager for the reprieve of watching Jensen cry without being able to do anything about it, wiping away his own tears with one large hand. It was the asking Jared to help that told Steve what was going on. As the other two men left, Steve moved beside Jensen on the couch, wrapping Jen in a quick hug which Jen accepted with a small smile, only half-fake.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m going to be fine. I’m sorry that I lied before. Chris was the only one who knew, mostly because he figured it out.”

Steve nodded, not even caring that Jensen had lied then, only concerned for his friend now.

“Chris has been great, everything someone like me could ask for.”

Steve had to agree that apparently Christian had been a better friend than he had been to either Chris or Jensen.

“And he’s right. It’s not ‘someone like you’, this doesn’t define you.”

The other two men came back into the room then and, on instinct, Steve moved back to the chair. He felt like Chris deserved to be nearest to Jen really, and that Jen would be most comfortable with Chris there.

Christian handed the food over to Steve, heated up leftovers from dinner and a coke. After a long look with Jensen, he turned the tv’s sound back on.

“Hey, Steve, you have got to see this show.”

In reality, Chris was pretty much certain that Steve would hate the show they’d been watching all day, but it was really just something to take attention away, since Steve would no doubt be vocally outraged.

Tousling Jen’s hair in a way that made the other man scowl, Chris flopped back down on the couch, close to Jen but not as close as before. He smiled as Jen squeezed his leg.

Steve was more interested in the show on the couch than on the television. It felt like his whole universe had shifted and he had to re-evaluate everything. Jensen and Chris were two of his best friends but he felt like he didn’t know them at all.

From the moment Steve had introduced the two of them, they had been the best of friends. Two good ol’ boys, they were similar in a way that Steve or even Jared would never be. Masculine, inexpressive, loyal to their friends, family, and their roots, both were who you wanted at your back in a fight.

There had always been something between them. Neither was very physically affectionate, but there had been more touches between them. At first it had made Steve think that they were having sex, but the touches were too paternal. Both were protective of their loved ones but they had each been particularly protective of each other.

Still, what he was witnessing right now was a whole new level of physical affection. Usually Steve was the one to initiate hugs or touches with Christian, but Chris was being down-right loving to Jensen.

Steve also noticed that Chris was pretty much avoiding looking at him, like he was embarrassed at the parts of Christian that Steve was now a witness to. Part of it was that a huge portion of Chris’s attention was on Jensen, but that didn’t explain the complete lack of eye contact. If Steve had misjudged Jensen, he had misjudged Christian more.

From the moment Steve had laid eyes on Christian Kane, Steve had thought Chris was beautiful, hot, scorching. But he had always thought that Chris was the type of guy that you have incredibly hot sex with, not the kind of guy you call back or settle down with. And Steve wouldn’t ruin their friendship no matter how amazing Chris would be in the sack.

But now he was having all kinds of new thoughts on Chris’s abilities. Mostly Steve was angry at himself. When had he started to believe the hype, when had he begun to see Christian Fucking Kane instead of Christian? Steve had written songs with the man, had seen how self-conscious Chris could be about his writing, had seen Chris silent and contemplative during their months on the road. Steve had known that whatever he needed, he could always call Chris. And he had known that when Chris was upset, he would shut himself up in his home only to emerge days later as if nothing had happened.

So Steve had to ask himself, who was Christian Kane?

Eventually Steve did watch some of the tv show. And even though he knew that Chris was goading him, Steve couldn’t help commenting on the unfairness of the prison system, how the inmates weren’t being properly rehabilitated to go back into society, and mostly, he complained that the show was probably edited so that it seemed like the guards were always in the right.

Chris smiled, to himself because he still wasn’t looking at Steve. He was too afraid of what the blonde musician would see in his eyes. Steve was probably right that it was edited, but, really, both guards and inmates were stuck in a difficult situation in an imperfect system. Mostly he was just smiling at Steve’s predictability and his bleeding heart.

Again they called it an early night since Jared and Jensen had to be at work early and Christian, at least, was going with them.

“Jenny, isn’t it your bedtime?” Chris asked obnoxiously as Jensen yawned for the third time.

“Some of us have to work tomorrow, asshole. Steve, you coming with us to the set?”

“Yeah, it’s early but it’s better than hanging around here by myself.” Steve said, playing along with everyone else pretending to ignore the eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. He could already tell that Chris wasn’t letting Jensen out of his sight even to go to work.

“Great. We get to inflict early mornings on the musician.”

Steve smiled. “So I guess Chris and I are sharing the guest bedroom?”

“Nah, I’m in Jen’s room.”

Steve remarked that those were the first words that Chris had spoken directly to him since he got here. He couldn’t help being disappointed. He had hoped to get Chris alone so that they could talk. But apparently Chris really wasn’t leaving Jensen’s side. Chris was being responsible, dependable, committed, words generally not associated with Christian Kane except in regards to work.

Still, the blonde musician couldn’t help laying a hand on Christian’s shoulder as they passed on the way to their separate bedrooms, an attempt to connect to his friend whom he felt very disconnected from at the moment. “Night,” he said simply, Chris only nodding in reply.

Steve had just dropped his bag in the spare room when he made a decision and turned back around. Chris and Jen had already gone into Jen’s room and Steve made his way quietly up the stairs, knocking at Jared’s door.

Jared opened the door, surprised to see Steve behind it. It wasn’t that he and Steve weren’t friends, it was just that they didn’t really spend time alone together.

“Hey, I just wanted to talk.” Steve started, feeling momentarily awkward. “I mean, this…this is crazy.”

Jared let out a soft chuckle, relieved that someone else was just as stunned by the turn of the events as he was. “I know. I would have never imagined…”

He trailed off, shaking his head, images of the night that he found Jensen on the floor flooding his mind again.

“I just wanted to know what’s been going on. I’m kinda ‘Johnny-come-lately’ here.”

“Sure, you wanna sit?”

Both men climbed on top of Jared’s still made bed. Jared leaning his back against the head board with Steve facing him, sitting Indian style.

“What happened Friday night?”

Jared sighed, running a hand through his hair in his anxiety. “Jen seemed fine, you know. He got off early and when I came back to the house…It was quiet and the dogs wouldn’t come, and then I saw him, Jen, and he…God, Steve, he was just lying there on the floor of the kitchen. I couldn’t get him to wake up.”

Steve watched in sympathy as tears filled hazel eyes, eyes that were clearly looking at something besides his bedroom. Jared was instead seeing the way that Jensen’s head had flopped back as Jared had pulled the smaller man close, the way that Jen’s eyelashes had seemed to mock him as they had lain unmoving, a dark smudge on Jen’s pale cheeks.

“I don’t think I’ll ever forget…he was so limp, his skin cool, and his breathing, the sound of it…harsh and short. It felt like the world was ending.”

Reaching out a hand to lay on Jared’s leg, Steve wasn’t surprised that Jared turned for a hug instead. He and Jared were the touch-feely ones and yet Chris had touched Jen more tonight than Steve had seen him touch anyone, even a girlfriend.

Jared seemed to know the direction his thoughts had taken. “And Chris…From the moment Chris got to the hospital, I knew he knew something. And since, he’s been patient and kind and helpful and affectionate…like a pod person!”

They both couldn’t help laughing before Jared continued. “He’s been great, apparently he was great the time before too, I just never expected…”

“I’ve known him forever it seems and I never expected either.”

“And Jen…he seems fine.”

“I know. But then, I was around the last time and I never suspected…God, I’m such an idiot! I should have worried more! I mean, we knew that he overdosed and we all just took it in stride.” Except Chris. Chris who had taken care of Jen, who was taking care of Jensen.

This time it was Jared’s hands that reached out to comfort. “And I should have known something was wrong with Jensen before he did it again. Don’t start feeling guilty, it’ll just make Jensen feel worse.”

Steve nodded; he knew that he would have to control his guilt before Jensen picked up on it. Jensen always did have an over-developed sense of guilt. “Ok, but let’s just not forget what we learned from this mistake.”

Steve had never worried much about ‘not judging a book by its cover’, he wasn’t a judgmental person. But he was quickly learning that being oblivious was just as bad.

“Well, I should let you get to bed. Thanks for filling me in, I know it can’t be easy to talk about.”

“Yeah, think it was good to do it though.”

Steve nodded as he made his way back downstairs to bed.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

The next morning dawned much too soon for all of them, though Chris was the only one who hadn’t been able to sleep again. Still if there was a bright side to his not sleeping it was that it enabled him to be up in time to take his own shower before Jen’s alarm went off.

He was just leaving the bathroom when Jensen came in, staggering like the walking dead. Which was completely normal for Jen.

Chris figured that really it was the normality that was messing with his head, keeping him up at night. Like he was waiting for Jen’s veneer to crack in the dark of night. But no, Jen went to sleep at night, got up by himself in the morning, showered, ate, laughed. It was Christian who was losing it.

He grabbed a couple more books to take to set, from Jen’s shelves this time, and then he and Jen wandered out into the kitchen where Jared and Steve were already waiting.

All of them were damp, wearing jeans and tees, Steve’s long hair like Chris’s was down and curling softly. Jay as usual was far too happy for this time in the morning, having already had a run with the dogs. And he was holding out two travel mugs of coffee for Jensen and Chris.

It was Christian who spoke up, hoping that his own refusal would inspire Jen to refuse as well.

“Naw, no coffee for me thanks.”

Jensen smiled a little sadly at Jay before speaking. “I really shouldn’t for a little while, give my liver time to recover.”

Jared and Steve were shocked speechless. They hadn’t even thought about Jen drinking coffee or alcohol or anything else and both felt guilty as they held their own cups.

Which Jensen, of course, picked up on. “Don’t feel guilty. You should drink extra coffee for me, you too Chris.”

“Nah, my liver will take any excuse for a break.”

The car honked then and they all made their way out to it, Steve and Jared still holding their travel mugs and feeling awkward.

Chris and Steve followed the J’s to make-up and wardrobe, Christian commenting on the differences between the different sets that he had been on, trying to keep the conversation going so that this wasn’t as awkward as it could be. After wardrobe they made their way over to get something for breakfast. Jared had already had one breakfast, and a shitload of candy, but he was still hungry.

It was over muffins that Jensen spoke up. “Chris, you and Steve can hang out in my trailer during filming.”

Predictably, Chris objected. “Naw, I’ll just watch y’all work.”

“Chris, you’re gonna be bored in an hour. Hell, judging by the bags under your eyes, you’ll be asleep in thirty minutes.”

Chris scowled. “No I won’t…”

“I’ll be with Jared and a set full of other people. I’ll be fine.”

Jensen knew he had gotten the other man there. Chris was seemingly considering it now. “Jay never lets me out of his sight anyway. Just take a nap, man.”

“Fine. That ok with you, Steve?”

“Yeah. I’ve seen you two work before.”

Jensen practically breathed a sigh of relief. He already was dreading anyone on set asking him about his ‘accident’ over the weekend. It would be difficult to concentrate with Chris breathing down his neck, reminding him of past mistakes and present confusions. And he knew that Christian hadn’t slept, the man looked like crap.

So Jen and Jared went off to the first scene like any other day, leaving Chris and Steve alone to walk to the trailer.

It was awkward and Steve hated it. Chris was his best friend but it seemed like there was an ocean between them all of a sudden. Chris had moved away. Steve wasn’t mad about it no matter what anyone thought. He had been happy for Christian that he had gotten such a chance.

But all the same it had put distance between them. And they had both been busy. Nevertheless, Christian had been more distant than that, even on the phone.

And now Steve didn’t know what to think. He obviously didn’t know Christian as well as he thought he did and so couldn’t fathom the other musician’s motives. What he did know, looking over at his friend, was that though Chris was freshly shaven, it was only an attempt to distract people from seeing the pallid tint to his normally golden skin, the tired set to blue eyes that usually sparkled with life and mischief.

“You are lookin’ pretty rough.”

Chris just glared at him. Steve knew that Chris hated being told to take care of himself. Like Steve was suggesting Chris was weak and pathetic just because Chris needed a nap.

Still if anyone needed someone to look after him, it was probably Chris. And it looked like at the moment it was up to Steve.

As they entered Jen’s trailer, Chris hesitantly sat down on the edge of the double bed, rubbing his hands over his tired face and through his still-wet hair.

Steve stood hesitantly by. “You haven’t been sleeping?”

The answer to that question was obvious, but for once, Chris threw him a bone. “I’m just worried.”

“We all are. But you’ve been dealing with this for so much longer, you’ve been the one that Jen has turned to through it all.”

“I can handle it.” Chris’s voice was a growl though he didn’t look up at Steve.

“I know you can, but it’s no wonder you need a nap.”

Steve couldn’t help running a hand through the damp brown hair that he knew from experience was soft. Course, he wasn’t surprised when Chris shrugged him away. Normally Chris was fine with Steve touching him, hell, Steve was pretty sure that Christian actually enjoyed being touched by him. It was in the way Christian smiled, lit up as if grateful for the touch that he couldn’t initiate himself. But if Chris thought that there was anything of comfort in the touch, he would pull away.

Chris leaned forward to pull off his boots, reluctantly admitting that he did need a nap and he should probably get it now, while Jen was being watched by Jared. Slipping under the bed’s sheet, he turned on his side away from Steve.

“You won’t mind if I turn on the tv?” Steve asked, grudgingly moving away.

“You know I won’t.”

They had slept together in enough hotel rooms and buses for Steve to know that Chris could sleep through a nuclear blast.

Christian lay still as he heard Steve moving about, turning on the tv and presumably settling on the couch. He hated pushing Steve away but he couldn’t help himself. He felt more vulnerable than he ever had.

Steve was finally seeing him as more than Christian Fucking Kane and that thought scared Chris shitless. He was only comforting Jensen, being there for Jensen, but their behavior still spoke volumes about all the things that Chris had been hiding. But Jensen had to be his first priority.

And if Steve knew the real him, knew how needy and scared he was, knew how Christian was annoying just to get Steve’s attention, knew how Christian longed for every touch, longed for Steve to just hold him…well, Steve would like that Chris even less than the persona.

No, everybody liked the Chris who was the life of the party, the one who was self-reliant, who didn’t need anyone’s help or comfort. It was easier on everyone.

Eventually Chris did fall asleep, mostly just because he couldn’t hold out any longer no matter the thoughts running through his head.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

At noon, Steve made his way back to the craft services tent while Chris continued sleeping. He hoped to see Jen and Jared there, but wasn’t surprised when he didn’t. The J’s would be let out to eat whenever there was a good breaking point and who knew when that would actually be. He grabbed two sandwiches, chips, and apples and headed back to Jen’s trailer.

Chris was still out cold. He had turned back to face towards the room instead of the wall he had been facing when he fell asleep. Steve was struck by how much smaller he looked.

Chris just had such a big personality, such a commanding presence, awake Christian seemed twice as big as he was. And in Steve’s mind that’s exactly how Christian was, but now…

Now he seemed smaller, more human, more frail. He was the one to comfort Jensen, but Steve had seen the pain Jen’s distress had caused in Christian’s expressive blue eyes. They had seemed like two children huddled on the couch last night, clinging to one another for comfort and strength.

Jensen was proud. He wouldn’t let just anyone help him, let just anyone in to see his vulnerability. Even if Christian had figured it out, there was a reason why Jensen had come to rely on the older actor.

And the thought of Christian bearing that much responsibility, being the one to provide strength to someone so broken, who needed so much. Steve had the sudden urge to crawl in behind Christian, to cradle that strong form with his own. To whom had Christian turned? He hadn’t told anyone apparently and with Jen’s family so far away…

Getting Chris to accept help and comfort was a challenge, Steve knew, but then, Steve had never really tried before. He had just accepted Chris pulling away.

As if Christian could feel Steve staring at him, he began to stir. It wasn’t the first time that Steve had been distracted by the curve of muscle visible in the way Christian’s shirt draped over his chest, Steve had never been able to help looking even if he wasn’t going to touch, but this time it was more. It was more than just the desire to get into Christian’s pants, it was the desire to pleasure Christian, Steve’s lust getting mixed up in this new need to comfort the other man.

And then Chris rolled to his back and opened blue eyes clear as a summer sky, staring right at Steve. If Christian thought that it was odd that Steve was standing over him, staring at him, Christian didn’t show it.

“Uh, I got us sandwiches if you’re hungry.” Steve said lamely.

With a groan Chris sat up, swinging his legs back to the floor. Still Steve didn’t move away, staring still at the bunch of Christian’s biceps as he rubbed his face again.

Shaking himself, Steve finally moved to the table where he had set the sandwiches. Chris still looked really tired, just weighed down and again Steve was struck by the urge to comfort, to hold. But then Chris was dragging himself to the table.

Christian almost wished that he had kept sleeping just to avoid spending the rest of the day in awkward conversation with Steve. A thought that he immediately felt ashamed for because Steve hadn’t actually done anything before or since his arrival that justified his poor reception. Chris just needed to get himself together.

Steve went to the small refrigerator to get them something to drink, finding only soft drinks inside. “Do you want Coke or Sprite because there’s no water.”

“Coke,” Chris grunted, hopeful that a little caffeine would wake up his brain. “Oh yeah, Jensen told me he and Jared are refilling their water bottles now, to waste less plastic. But he must have forgotten to refill them.”

Mentally Steve applauded their efforts and returned to the table with two cokes. They ate in silence for a while, both hungry. It was Christian who broke it.

“I wish I had brought some gym clothes, so I’d have something productive to do with all this free time. I didn’t even bring my guitar.”

Steve nodded, not in agreement about the gym clothes but in understanding. Steve had seen Chris change his body for different roles but, in the end, Chris simply enjoyed the gym in a way that Steve, though active, just didn’t.

“You could always borrow some gym shorts from one of the J’s.”

“I don’t think my ass would fit into either of their clothes.”

Steve laughed out loud at that. No, he had never looked at Chris’s nicely rounded behind, of course not. “I think there should be a fat joke here…” he said, laughing harder as Chris scowled.

“You could always try some of their shorts on. And both of them have guitars that we could bring tomorrow.”

Christian looked away at that last comment. He didn’t know how he felt about playing with Steve now. Now after he had left, after Steve had seen him with Jensen.

Steve shrugged at Christian’s non-answer. Neither of them had mentioned the event that had brought them both to Vancouver, unprepared to stay for more than a few days, Chris especially who seemed to be settling in for as long as Jensen needed him.

Steve wanted to ask about the last time, but he knew enough not to. He knew that Christian would consider talking about it a betrayal of Jensen’s trust. And Steve could also see that talking about his own part in it was the last thing that Chris wanted to do.

Christian got up, throwing their containers away and moved to the couch, expecting Steve to follow. He flicked through the channels half-heartedly before continuing their conversation.

“So how was the tour?”

Steve found himself relaxing into the conversation. Chris had always been easy to talk to, a good friend, and he knew most of the people on the tour so tales of their antics were just as funny in the retelling.

He didn’t manage to get Chris to talk about the difficulties with recording his own album, dealing with a major record label, but he did hear all about the craziness on the set of Leverage. And the way Christian talked about Timothy Hutton, Steve would’ve thought the man was the god of acting.

They talked like they hadn’t spent any time apart, like they hadn’t really since Chris had moved away, before they lapsed into a comfortable silence. They mindlessly watched the tv, Chris in charge of the remote and occasionally making crude comments on the attractiveness of various women and men. Steve just barely managed to keep the comment of ‘not as hot as you are’ off his tongue.

They were both surprised when the J’s came into the trailer at about 6:30, since they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of the boys since they went off in the morning.

“Guess what, guys?” Jared asked after bursting into the room. “We got out early! We could go to dinner or grill or something.”

Jensen followed after a little less enthused. It had been a great day, a perfectly normal day. It didn’t look as though Kripke had told anyone about Jensen’s ‘accident’ since no one had said a thing about it until Kripke had let them go early.

Frankly the day had gone so well that it frustrated him to see Chris looking at him with inquiring eyes, wondering if Jensen were hiding anything. Being on set again made Jensen remember how happy he had been the previous Friday, how excited he had been to see Christian. Why would he have taken Rohypnol and where would he have gotten it? But most importantly, why didn’t he remember? Despite that Rohypnol had amnesiac effects, he was certain that he would remember, at least, the desire to end it all.

He knew that without Christian, he would certainly be dead. If Chris hadn’t come by to see him that night, he would have died of an overdose, but Jensen also knew that without Chris he would have died a dozen times over. Chris had been there with him every step of the way, put up with everything. He had called Chris dozens of times over the years, at all times of the day and night, when he had begun a new job, a new relationship, when a relationship ended.

But now he was just frustrated. How could he possibly convince anyone, much less Christian that he hadn’t tried to kill himself this time? No one who had seen him depressed would ever take the chance.

And Jared had been all over him all day, touching him even more than usual if such a thing were possible. Jay had petted his hair, his face, squeezed his shoulders, rubbed his back, and even though Jensen knew why, knew that it was because he had scared the shit out of the kid, he kinda liked it. Jay looked at him like he was the best thing that had ever happened to the younger actor, touched him not like he was fragile but like he was precious.

Jared was crushing the slightly shorter man to his side at that very moment, both hands around Jen’s waist to rest on Jen’s hip. Jen just fit against him it seemed, fit into his life, Jen’s presence never failing to make Jared’s day a bit brighter. He was determined that Jen would feel the same.

Both Christian and Steve were envious of the other two men’s easy companionship, both wishing that Chris could accept more than a friendly arm slung around his shoulders.

“Well, do y’all have all the stuff we’d need to grill?” Chris asked.

It was Jensen who knew what they had and who answered, “Uh, no. We’d have to go to the grocery and I think we’re all too hungry to do that and then start the grill, so dining out it is.”

Everyone nodded at Jen’s logic, everyone except Christian who was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for Jen’s composure to falter. Jensen hung back as they walked to the car to speak to Chris.

“The day really was fine. It was great actually. I don’t think anyone but Kripke and Jared even know anything happened over the weekend.”

“Good, that’s good.” Christian bumped his shoulder amiably against Jensen’s. Chris was at a loss as to what else to say. He didn’t normally push Jen, didn’t normally question Jen’s words. He waited for Jen to talk about what he needed to talk about or, as a last resort, he’d talk about his own feelings to get Jensen to respond.

So he kept to that plan now as well. “So where’d y’all wanna go?” his only other comment as they climbed into the car.

They ended up at a hole in the wall burger place, none of them ordering a beer. The waitress seemed a little surprised. They had an easy conversation, once again steering clear of what had brought them all together. They rehashed some of what Chris and Steve had spoken of earlier and heard about everything that had happened on set that day. And then Jared had talked about Harley’s latest bout of diarrhea due to eating half a power bar Jared had left on the front hall table while Jensen scolded him and Chris and Steve just begged Jared to shut up.

They ended up back at the house before nine and Jared and Steve collapsed in the two chairs in front of the tv when Christian reminded Jensen to refill his water bottles.

“Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me. They need to be washed first too.”

Christian followed Jen into the kitchen not only to help his friend with his chore but also because he wanted to ask Jen a question in private. There was one thing that Christian did push Jensen on, meeting with his therapist.

Jen was just putting the bottles into the soapy water when Chris asked, “So, did you call your therapist for an appointment?”

Jensen stopped what he was doing and turned to his friend, his best friend, but Jensen was so tired of playing along with everyone’s belief that he had tried to kill himself. He didn’t care anymore that it sounded crazy.

Jensen’s face was tense, his mouth in a tight line when he spoke. “Yes, I did. I promised and I kept it. But this is ridiculous. I don’t need a therapist. I didn’t take any drugs that night, Chris. I remember drinking one beer. I didn’t have any pills and I had no reason to kill myself.”

Jensen was hissing half-way through to avoid shouting. Christian was stunned and saddened at the other man’s outburst. He had not expected Jensen to be happy at Chris making certain that the appointment had been made, but he hadn’t thought that Jen would still deny what he had done.

Perhaps it was just a reaction to having other people know, not wanting to have other people see what Christian had seen last time.

Keeping his voice and expression calm, “Jensen, you don’t have to do this. They don’t see you any differently and they won’t think you’re weak because you’re getting help.”

“Of course, they see me differently. For that matter, so do you.”

Christian tried not to let the pain at Jen’s words show on his face. He reached out a hand to Jensen, wanting to reassure his friend of his love through touch like he always did when words didn’t seem to be enough.

But Jensen was too angry. Christian was used to Jen being upset, but he was normally too depressed to be angry. Jensen pulled away from Chris’s touch.

It was the only time that Jensen had ever rebuffed Christian’s affection and for a moment both men were stunned. But Jensen was still too aggravated to acknowledge the pain on Chris’s face.

“I need to be alone for a minute.” Jensen said right before he rushed out of the room, taking care not to slam his bedroom door.

Christian, now left alone in the kitchen, nodded to himself and began to make his shaky way out the back door, careful not to let it slam either.

Both Jared and Steve had picked up on the changed mood in the kitchen, though they couldn’t hear what had been said. Both stood at the sound of the closing doors.

It was obvious without words which they would go after and so Jared knocked on Jensen’s door while Steve headed outside.

Jared opened the door, surprised to find an angry, pacing Jen inside. Rushing to Jen’s side, he forcibly stopped the movement by yanking the other man into a fierce hug.

Jensen began talking immediately once he was wrapped up in long arms. “I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have…I’m just so frustrated. He can’t understand, and I don’t blame him, I just wish…”

“Whoa, whoa there. Slow down. What are you talking about? What are you frustrated about? I’m sure that this is really difficult but…”

“No! It’s not what you think, I didn’t…that’s the problem.”

“What’s the problem? Jen, you’re not making sense.”

Jensen took a big breath and then looked up into Jared’s face. Jared noticed the that Jen’s eyes were earnest and wide open, Bambi-like. “Jared, I admit that years ago, I did try to…kill myself and I fully admit that I continue to suffer bouts of depression, but this time…I didn’t do it. I didn’t have any drugs, I didn’t take any drugs. I came home, I drank one beer…and that’s all I remember.”

Jared was too stunned to respond but Jensen was on a roll, ready to get this off his chest. “Last time…when I’m depressed, I don’t want to eat, I can’t sleep, I don’t even want to leave the bed. I’ve been fine, I am fine! I…Nobody is going to believe me.”

“I believe you.” Jared spoke without thinking, a common occurrence but this statement left both men stunned. And then Jared realized it was the truth, if Jensen said he didn’t do it, he didn’t do it. “I believe you.”  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Meanwhile, Steve had stepped outside, unprepared for what he would find. Chris was as wound up as Steve had ever seen him, stalking a short path beside the brick wall of the house, shoulders rigid and fists clenched, his hair flowing behind him and half obscuring his face.

At first, Steve thought that Chris was angry at Jensen but it quickly became clear as he approached that the person Chris was angry at was himself. It was evident by the pain in Chris’s expression, in the tight way that Chris held himself, how he turned toward the brick wall, laying flat palms on it and pushing as if he could push the anger out. And then there were the words spilling half-mumbled out of Chris’s lips.

Christian was so full of frustrated rage that he was practically vibrating with it. “I should have known. I should have done more. I should have shown him how much he was loved, I should have been there, I should have been better.”

It was with those words that the violence spilled out. Because that was the crux of it for Christian, if he were better, if he were different, if he weren’t so scared and pathetic and lonely…no wonder he couldn’t show love to someone else, he wasn’t deserving of it himself.

Steve watched in horror as Chris drew his right arm back, punching the wall without pulling the strike at all. He rushed forward even as Chris punched again, only hearing snippets of the words Chris was saying now. “Should have been better…different…pathetic and lonely…”

Finally Steve caught Chris’s arm as he drew it back for the third punch, pulling on it and using Chris’s own backwards momentum to spin the stronger man around. It was a trick Chris had taught him.

Christian collapsed back against the wall, though still looking as if he were ready for a fight, his breath panted out of full lips, his big blue eyes frantic and tormented. Steve had no idea what had happened in the kitchen but he knew that Chris blamed himself for Jensen’s second suicide attempt. He knew that Chris was hurting.

And suddenly he realized that Christian was expressing that hurt as rage against himself. How many other times, how many times had Christian gotten into some fight when he had only meant to hurt himself?

Christian was still angry and Steve was caging him against the wall with Steve’s own body. “Steve, get off.”

In that moment Steve was afraid. Christian Kane in the middle of one of his infamous rages was a sight to behold, a sight that Steve had never seen from this close. He had never before attempted to stop Chris, as far as he knew, no one had ever attempted to stop Chris when he got going.

They both knew that Christian was stronger, that Chris could throw Steve away without even using all of that strength. And to do so, Steve would undoubtedly be in for a painful landing.

Strangely, it was that thought that calmed Steve down. He could hear himself panting almost as hard as Chris, but he knew that Chris would never purposefully hurt him. He had trapped Chris in a cage of his own loyalty.

“No.”

“Steve, move!” This time Christian yelled. He had to get Steve away, he didn’t want Steve to see him like this. His anger was like a monsoon inside him and if he couldn’t let it out in violence, he’d probably start bawling. And he couldn’t do that. That was an unbreakable rule. He could still hear his father’s voice in his head, screaming at him, unyielding fingers digging into his then small arm.

But Steve could see it all in Chris’s eyes, written in his expression. Chris’s face had crumpled at Steve’s refusal, fear and desperation replacing some of the rage. Steve had never seen this broken man in Chris before. But that was just it, it wasn’t that Chris hadn’t been broken before now, it was that Steve hadn’t seen.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Back in Jensen’s bedroom, the older man had collapsed against Jay’s broad chest. He didn’t know yet whether Jared was only humoring him but just hearing the words was enough to take the frustration away.

Jared took the opportunity to kiss the top of Jen’s head and half-carry the smaller man to the bed. Even when they were crawling onto it, Jared kept a hold of the other man.

They ended up each leaning a shoulder into the headboard, turned towards one another with their legs entangled between them, Jared pulling at Jensen until he was half in Jared’s lap.

“So tell me everything that happened after you left me on set.”

Jensen did, leaning his head on Jay’s shoulder mid-way through the telling.

“So you got tired after the water.”

“But it doesn’t mean anything. I’m always tired at the end of the day and the car always makes me sleepy.”

“Yeah but you must have ingested it before the beer, the alcohol then intensifying the drugs.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Jen, if you didn’t do it, then someone else did. I doubt this happened by accident. Who ingests enough Rohypnol to kill them by accident?! Who just leaves it lying around?”

Jensen lifted his head at that. “I didn’t think about that. Who would possibly do that?”

“I don’t know. Where’s the bottle you drank out of that night?”

“Shit. I just put it in the soapy water. If there was anything in there, there’ll be no evidence of it now.”

“Which means we have nothing to go to the police with. And with your history…”

Jensen nodded. “I know. You don’t have to tiptoe around it, Jay. But what are we gonna do?”

“I don’t know. If he’s close enough to get into your trailer, then he’s close enough to know that you’ve got like three people dogging your every move now. Maybe he’ll go away.”

“I doubt it. If someone went to the trouble to try to kill me, they’ll probably try again until they get it right. We could draw him out.”

“Uhh, I don’t know about that, Jen. How are we going to keep you safe while baiting this person?”

“I don’t know, but we can’t tell Chris. He’ll never believe me. Dammit, I shouldn’t have gotten mad at him. He’s…” The ‘fragile’ stayed on Jensen’s tongue.

“Jay, last time…Chris was everything. Without him, I wouldn’t…” Jensen shook his head, angry at himself. Now he couldn’t get the crushed look that Chris wore in the kitchen out of his mind. Chris was so scared to reach out to people and Jensen had rejected him, rebuffed his comfort, refused his love. At least that’s how Chris would see it.

“I think I broke him.” Jensen disentangled himself and hurried back into the house.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Steve didn’t know what to do, but he knew that he had never wanted to comfort and hold Chris as much as he did right then.

He lifted one hand from the wall and attempted to cup Christian’s cheek. But Chris flinched away as if he were actually scared of comfort, scared of a gentle hand in a way that Christian Kane had never been scared of a hurtful one.

Steve pulled back, not wanting to hurt Chris even if it was meant in kindness. Chris, of course, took the opportunity to slink out from beneath Steve’s body.

“I need to check on Jensen.” Christian said. He took a deep breath. He did have to go check on Jensen. He had to pull it together for Jensen. Jensen might deserve more than the broken, pathetic man that Christian was, but if he was all Jensen was gonna get, then Christian would do whatever Jen needed.

Steve watched as Chris visibly erected walls at the mere mention of Jensen, saw as Chris hid his own pain behind that responsibility. And Steve understood why Jensen had turned to Chris. Chris was obviously the best choice because he put Jen before absolutely everything. For Jensen, Chris put aside his own anger and impatience and pain, but, not only because of that. Because they needed each other. No wonder they had seemed as two children together on the couch the night before.

Christian marched away, back into the house with Steve following behind. As they entered, they saw that Jensen was also coming to find them.

It was Jensen who reached first this time, practically throwing himself against Chris.

“I’m so sorry.” The words were a sob though Jensen hadn’t started crying yet. Jensen had seen the effect of their previous argument on Chris from the second he had seen the other man, had seen the hurt and self-loathing that Chris emitted in waves.

“Shhh, there’s nothing to be sorry for.” Christian’s voice was soft as he rubbed his hands up and down Jen’s back, feeling almost comforted by the sting in his hand at the movement.

But Jensen buried his face in Chris’s neck, the tears already falling. Because even Chris couldn’t hide the pain and fear still in his voice, the hesitancy in his hands, not even for Jensen.

Christian ducked his own face into the space between Jen’s neck and shoulder, strong arms going around Jen’s upper back as he held Jensen to him.

“Come on, let’s go on to bed. Ok?”

Steve watched the display of emotion with a critical eye. Christian was holding Jensen like a father holds a son, giving comfort but not necessarily receiving it. He saw that Chris was still hurt and he knew that that was why Jensen, the second strongest person Steve knew, was inconsolable, clinging to Christian like a limpet.

Christian pulled back to give Jensen a small smile and wipe tears from Jensen’s blotchy face and that was when Jensen got a look at Chris’s hand. Jensen knew immediately what had happened from the scraped skin of Chris’s knuckles, the fact that Chris’s hand was already beginning to swell and turn black. It wasn’t the first time that Chris had punched a wall.

“Dammit, Chris.” It was another sign of how much Jensen had hurt Chris if the shorter man had been so full of self-loathing that he had hurt himself. Chris had done nothing but take care of him and Jensen had repaid the other man terribly.

“Here.” Jensen was surprised when Jared pushed an ice pack into his hands. He had forgotten that they had a sort of audience.

“Its fine,” Christian said but he let Jensen press the cold pack to his hand, setting his jaw at the pain caused by the weight on his injury. He didn’t want to make this a big thing. It was his own stupid fault and they all needed to be focused on Jensen right now, because things were worse than he had thought.

Christian looped his other hand around Jensen’s shoulders and led the taller man back towards the bedroom. Once the door was closed behind them, he went straight to the bathroom, figuring that they should go ahead and get ready for bed. Christian put aside the ice pack and went so far as to wet Jen’s toothbrush and put toothpaste on it.

Really, Jensen should have been irritated at Chris treating him like a child, but, in reality, Jensen wanted Chris to take control again. Jensen had ruined the dynamic of their relationship, the dynamic that Chris took pride in taking care of Jensen, that Chris could be comfortable extending comfort to Jensen because Jensen needed it and always accepted it. It wasn’t the time to give Chris shit about hurting himself. And really, it wasn’t the first time that Chris had been forced to literally clean Jensen up because he wouldn’t do it himself.

Obediently, Jensen brushed his teeth, watching Chris with sorrowful eyes as Chris slowly brushed his as best he could with his left hand. Chris was acting like he always did, in control, patient, unconcerned. The only thing that gave it away as an act was the slight stiffness in Christian’s body, the haunted look that still lingered in blue eyes. Jensen’s own green eyes leaked tears even as he completed the mundane task of brushing his teeth.

Christian noticed, forever attuned to Jensen’s needs and stroked Jen’s back with his free but injured hand. It made him feel more stable, overcoming the pain of his hand to do his duty, to comfort his friend. He liked focusing on that rather than the hurt and shame he felt.

Then Christian got Jensen to wash his face even though they both knew that those weren’t the last of the tears. They stripped off their shoes, socks and jeans before climbing into Jen’s bed. Jensen refused to let go of Chris and clung to the other man even as Jensen drifted off to sleep.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Jensen was the only one to fall asleep quickly that night, worn out by his tears. Jared lay in his bed thinking of the weight of Jen’s head on his shoulder, the warmth of the man against his side, the hope that had shone from the green eyes.

Now he just had to figure out how not to let Jensen down.

Steve lay in his bed, feeling like it was empty. Rolling onto his side, he imagined how Chris had looked sleeping in Jen’s trailer that day and he wished that Chris were here in the bed with him.

Steve had had no shortage of bed partners before or after he met Christian, but this feeling he had now was unlike any that he had ever had before. Because Chris needed him. And he liked that.

Steve had always been a laid-back guy, always the one to go with the flow, never the one to make waves. He was attractive and talented and fell in love easily. Both women and men fell in love with him easily.

But loving Christian would be a fight. Chris needed someone to take care of him, needed someone to give him love and comfort, needed to give up some of that control, but Chris wouldn’t accept Steve’s love easily. Steve would have to prove himself over and over again, he would have to deal with Chris refusing his comfort, he’d have to follow when Chris tried to run. Steve would have to fight for that control.

Chris was worth it though, worth Steve leaving his easy, comfortable way of doing things, worth fighting for. He would do whatever it took to show Chris that he was worthy of love, that comfort wasn’t something to be scared of, because then he would be the person that Chris turned to, the person to hold Christian in the dark of night and in the bright light of day.

Christian couldn’t sleep either that night. He was concentrating on Jensen. Both men lay on their sides facing each other, close enough to be lovers, close enough that Jen’s breath puffed against Chris’s face which would have been annoying if Christian had any intention to sleep that night. His injured hand was thrown over Jen’s side, the ice pack thrown to the floor.

He had thought that it would be a good thing to tell other people about Jensen’s depression, that that would help Jensen deal with his problems. But maybe it wasn’t the right time since Jen had just ended up in the hospital again. Perhaps he should have taken Jen to stay in a hotel until things were more under control. He had no hope of getting Jensen to take a break from the show, but maybe a break from the attentions of others would have been better.

The throbbing of his hand just served to remind Christian of his failure. He shouldn’t have gotten so upset, definitely shouldn’t have let Steve witness it. His father had tried to teach him to be strong and self-reliant, to be a man, but Christian had obviously failed at that. He couldn’t seem to help these rages when his emotions got the better of him. And he had never been able to stop from wanting someone to comfort him, to help him, to hold him, like his sister had been held.

Thinking of his sister only made him feel more pathetic. Growing up, Christian had been both jealous of his sister and ashamed of feeling that way. She was a girl and thus, though his parents were still strict, she had been held and stroked and praised.

Christian knew that it was weak, that he shouldn’t want that, that he should be able to swallow his emotions, that he should be able to stand on his own, to support others without complaint, but…Steve. Steve made him want so much.

He tried not to think of Steve, of what the other man had seen, tried not to dread the coming dawn. Christian couldn’t imagine what Steve thought of him now. Steve had been freaked. Christian was supposed to be the one that Steve, and everyone else, could turn to; he was supposed to be the protector. Fine job he was doing now. Instead Christian tried to concentrate on Jensen’s breaths, signs of life, and the throbbing of his hand.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Again Christian carefully slipped out of the bed before the alarm, making his way to the shower. His hand now looked terrible which pretty much suited the rest of him at this point.

It was a trick to wash himself and his hair, but it wasn’t the first time that Christian had done so with only one hand so he managed pretty well. It was his right hand that had been injured so masturbating was out of the question but then Christian had given up on the idea of relaxing anyway.

Donning clothes similar to the day before, Christian exited the bathroom to find Jensen leaning against the wall, waiting for him with sad, guilty eyes. Swallowing his fear of rejection because this was Jensen and Jen’s need was greater than Christian’s fear, Chris reached out to pull the other man into a hug.

Jensen went into the hug gratefully, glad that he hadn’t hurt Chris so much that Chris was too scared to reach out to him. He couldn’t imagine suddenly being without the comfort of Chris’s touch, he didn’t want to and so he wrapped his long arms tightly around the other man’s strong body. Such strength and such weakness, Chris was a study in contrasts.

When they finally parted, Jensen took Chris’s hand in his own, disgusted with himself at the damage. Christian felt just as guilty that Jensen felt guilty, that Jensen’s attention was focused on him instead of on getting better.

“You’re going to see the set medic today.”

Christian sighed, but didn’t argue. He hadn’t really expected for any of the three of them to let him get away with not having his hand looked at. But he still didn’t want to.

“Chris…” Jensen started, pain and pleading in his voice, but Christian cut him off.

“Come on, get in the shower. Don’t want to piss Kripke off any more by being late.”

When Chris and Jensen joined the other two men in the kitchen, the atmosphere was decidedly more tense than it had been the day before for many different reasons. No one had coffee today.

The car ride was silent, Jensen and Jared desperately trying to learn scripts that they hadn’t read the previous night. Chris and Steve headed immediately to the medic so they wouldn’t be a distraction.

The medic did her best, said that Chris’s hand was probably broken but nothing felt out of place. He’d need an x-ray to be sure.

Christian didn’t want to leave the set even though it might have been a welcome distraction. With his hand fucked-up, there went Christian’s opportunity to lift weights or play the guitar. Which left hanging out with Steve all day. Not top of his list at the moment.

Jensen and Jared concentrated on their scripts through makeup and wardrobe but then they were told that the set wasn’t ready for them yet. They headed to Jared’s trailer. They normally hung out in between scenes in Jared’s trailer because he had all the toys, but, just like the day before, they were also avoiding Chris and Steve, not wanting the distraction.

And today they had some things to talk about in private.

As soon as they were behind closed doors, Jared drew his friend into a full-body hug, they were pressed together from thighs to chest. Again Jared was struck by how well they fit together and on a whim, he pressed his lips to Jensen’s temple in a soft kiss.

“You ok?”

Jensen let out a huge sigh that Jared felt as much as heard. “I won’t be ok until this is over. This has to be over.”

Jared nodded and released Jen a little, drawing the other man with him to sit on the couch. Again Jared pushed and prodded until he had Jensen in the position that he wanted him in, Jen’s back against the couch’s arm, his knees over Jared’s thighs as they sat close together.

Jared had been up half the night thinking about what Jensen had said, the idea sinking in gradually. Jensen had been too concerned with spilling his secret, with Chris, with telling everyone about his depression, that Jensen didn’t seem to realize that someone was trying to kill him. Well, at least, Jared thought that was what was going on. They didn’t really know anything for certain which was seriously fucking with his head.

“I’ve been thinking about that.”

“Good, cuz I haven’t.”

“Jensen, I think you’re missing the fact that someone is trying to kill you.”

Jensen dropped his eyes to his lap as he swallowed hard. “Couldn’t it have just been an accident?” He asked petulantly.

“It could have been, I guess.” Jared conceded, his mind racing over the series of events that would have had to occur for drugs to accidentally get into Jensen’s personal water bottles kept in his personal trailer that were refilled at home. “But it’s more likely that it was deliberate and, anyway, if there’s a chance it was deliberate, we have to do something about it.” Jared rubbed the length of Jensen’s thigh as he thought.

“I just can’t believe that anybody I knew would actually do something like that?”

Jared nodded absently, thinking that poisoning was a pretty impersonal way to kill someone, it was so impersonal it almost made the act seem less violent. It was almost too easy to imagine that the person responsible was a stranger, that the person had neither greater strength nor greater weapons. Rohynol was a common, easy to get recreational drug. The person didn’t have to be a genius to use it or get it.

“Well, I was thinking that it must be someone on set, if we’re assuming the drugs were in the water bottle and the person knew that you were getting off set early.”

“Which is a big assumption.”

“Maybe, but it’s the only thing that makes sense. Anyway, so those water bottles are in our trailers and since we normally hang out in mine, it’s the most logical choice to make sure that you were the only one to drink it. And only set personnel knew that you were scheduled to get off early.”

“Yeah, I guess. So if it’s someone on set, they’ll know that we’re together almost all the time now, and that Chris and Steve are in my trailer.” Jensen suddenly was glad that he hadn’t finished washing and refilling those water bottles. Definitely only sealed items for a while. “To lure this person though, we’ll need to separate sometimes, like every day at dinner time.”

“Exactly, the guy will learn that every day at around the same time, you’re alone. Hopefully he’ll try something.”

“Yeah, hopefully whoever will try it soon. I mean, they’ve got to be freaked that their first attempt didn’t work. They don’t know that I washed the evidence away.”

“So the only other problem would be keeping tabs on you and I’ve got an idea for that too. You’ve got to go somewhere fairly private, but why would you do that? And I can’t be seen watching you.”

“Yeah that is a problem.” Jensen nodded like this was simply a puzzle to be solved. Not that Jared could blame him, this whole thing was so surreal as to be unbelievable. The only way to view it was objectively, otherwise he’d run off screaming to Kripke or the police or something and get himself his very own padded room. Nobody would believe them so they had no choice but to handle it themselves.

“Yeah, but what if you were taking a phone call, one that’d you want to keep private? You could go out to like the parking lot and call me on the phone, pretend like you’re talking to your therapist or your mom or something.”

“That could work. Fuck Jay, you’re like an evil genius. I don’t think I should let you hang out with Mike anymore.”

Jared laughed, glad for the respite of humor from the logistics of this conversation. The fact that they were talking about luring a killer by using Jensen as bait, it was ludicrous. “It still means that you’ll be by yourself when this person approaches you.”

“Yeah, but you won’t be far, right? And I’m not totally defenseless.” Jensen said it teasingly, knocking his shoulder as best he could against Jared’s.

Which is why Jensen was surprised when Jared turned serious, intense eyes on him. “Jen…” Jared began, reaching a hand towards Jen’s face. “I just…You don’t understand. I was so scared. You were just lying there and I kept thinking that you couldn’t be dead, you just couldn’t be.”

“Hey, Jay, it’s ok. I’m fine.” Jensen kept his voice soft, hopefully comforting as he reached up to grip the wrist of the hand Jared had cradling his cheek.

But Jared just shook his head, looking even more distraught and reached over with his other hand so that he was cradling Jen’s whole face in his huge hands. They looked at each other then, their eyes locked and it was as if they were seeing something important though neither could say what it was.

And then Jared’s eyes flicked down to Jen’s mouth. It seemed as if Jensen were waiting, expecting. Jen’s face was soft, his mouth relaxed and full lips parted, wet already from Jensen licking over them nervously. It seemed to Jared like an invitation.

One he couldn’t resist. Jensen understood what was happening as Jared leaned forward slowly and he thought in the back of his mind that maybe he should be protesting, but he didn’t. He couldn’t, because, really, Jensen didn’t want to.

The kiss wasn’t soft or hard, it wasn’t tentative or demanding, it was just right. A wet, comfortable slide of lips as if they had been doing this for years and Jensen had just the presence of mind to wonder why hadn’t they been doing this for years before Jared nipped lightly on his bottom lip.

When Jared pulled back, for a moment they were both stunned. They both stared at the other waiting for the freak-out that never came. And then they smiled.

Jensen couldn’t help ducking his head a little even as his face was still held in large paws. He felt like a schoolboy with his first crush, but he couldn’t help feeling like this moment was important.

It was Jared who first spoke, of course. “Wow.” He couldn’t help tightening his fingers in the back of Jen’s hair and pulling the other man forward for a short peck, just a pressing of lips together this time, just to reacquaint himself with the feeling of Jen’s full lips on his own.

“Uh, I’ve never kissed a guy before but…” Jared paused, searching for the words and Jensen’s face, as if the other man’s perfect features held all the answers. Maybe they did.

Jensen looked a bit sheepish as he spoke during Jared’s long pause. “I kissed Chris once, just to see…” They had been drunk naturally, but that kiss had been nothing like kissing Jared. It wasn’t that kissing Chris had been un-enjoyable, but no more so than Chris hugging him was. It had been friendly, comforting as Chris always was to Jensen.

But kissing Jared set his heart aflutter. It was like an electric current and a warm patch of sunshine. And Jensen was no passive participant, Jared always brought out the best of him.

It seemed as though Jared felt the same as he continued, smiling at Jensen’s interjection. “But that was…awesome. And I think I mean that literally.”

They couldn’t help the smiles on their faces even as they leaned in again, Jensen’s hands going to Jared’s shoulders while one of Jared’s hands slipped down to Jen’s back, the other hand still on the back of Jen’s head. And when Jared’s tongue pushed into Jensen’s mouth, wet and warm and thick…

It was like being lost, and found, experiencing something foreign and exciting from the comfort of your own home. They both scrambled to get closer, wanting to feel everything, wanting to experience every drop of this moment, until Jensen was literally straddling Jared’s lap, a position that Jensen might have been self-conscious about if he had had the presence of mind.

One of Jared’s arms was around Jensen’s hips now, pulling Jensen closer until their jean-encased erections came into contact. At the first touch of Jared’s body against his arousal, Jensen felt like all the air had been sucked from his lungs and he had to break away from Jared’s lips to breathe.

Jared simply took the opportunity to nibble Jen’s neck under his ear while keeping their hips firmly together. He had long been fascinated with the elegant curve of Jen’s throat and since his teeth on it made Jen squirm in his lap, well that only made Jared love it more.

Until there was an abrupt knock on the door, loud in the trailer that had only been filled with panted breaths before.

“Be on set in ten minutes, guys!”

Like a marionette whose strings had been cut, Jensen slumped down onto Jared, Jay’s quiet laughter in his ear as his back was gently stroked. Until, awkwardly Jensen had to get off Jay’s lap and then he rearranged his jeans over what was now an uncomfortable problem. It was little comfort that Jared wasn’t any better off.

Each grabbing a Sprite from Jared’s fridge, they finally left the trailer. But Jared couldn’t help teasing a little.

“So you kissed Chris, huh?”

“Oh shut up.”

Then there was only the sound of Jared’s cackling laughter.

Steve was waiting when Chris exited the medic’s trailer, hand encased in foam. The other musician was standing in the sunshine, blonde hair loose and glowing where the sun hit it, but his arms were wrapped around his middle and he was tense with concern. Christian had known him long enough to know, and it wasn’t as if this was the first time that Steve had waited for him to get checked out. Really, Steve had perfected the art of making Chris feel like an ass without saying anything.

So all in all it was not the time for Christian to be thinking about how good Steve looked. Didn’t stop him though.

Steve fell into step with him as they made their way back to Jen’s trailer. It lulled Chris into a false sense of security. Everybody always laughed off Christian’s temper tantrums, blew it off as that crazy Chris, Steve included. They poked fun at him and occasionally poked bruises. Sometimes someone would scold him on the time and place, but they were guys, they weren’t going to tell Chris what to do or fuss over his injuries.

But this was the first time that anyone had seen Christian actually target his violence towards himself. And Steve wasn’t going to let it go.

He began as soon as he had closed the door of the trailer behind them, shutting them in together.

Chris had gotten a Coke from the fridge and was seated at the table.

“Don’t you need some ice for that hand?”

Christian shrugged, wary of Steve’s intentions, afraid of Steve’s rejection.

Sighing, Steve grabbed one of the ice packs Jensen had, breaking it to release the cold. He held it himself over Chris’s hand as it lay on the table and sat in the chair nearest to Chris.

“Is it broken?”

Another shrug. “Probably, but they’d need an x-ray to be sure.”

“And you opted not to.”

It was a statement not a question but Christian felt the need to justify himself anyway. “I don’t want to leave the set. My hand’ll keep for a couple of days without an x-ray.”

As a precautionary measure to keep Chris from pulling away, Steve grabbed the wrist of Chris’s injured hand, a move that prompted an uncertain glance from the other man and an increase in the already high tension in Chris’s muscular frame.

Blue eyes sought out blue eyes before Steve spoke again. He could clearly see the agitation on Chris’s face, but he didn’t change course.

“What happened last night?”

“Nothing.”

“You broke your own hand, Chris.”

“So what? It was stupid and I shouldn’t have. I admit it, ok?”

“It’s not ok, Chris. You broke your own hand. I don’t know what happened that got you so upset, but…”

Christian dropped his eyes and pulled on his hand, surprised when Steve didn’t let go.

“Look, I have a temper. You know that, everybody knows that. It’s never been a problem for you before…”

Steve shook his head. “You’re not getting it. It’s not your temper that’s the problem, it’s that all that anger is hiding other emotions. And I don’t understand…”

“I was frustrated. Everything’s different this time…” Christian closed his mouth as if shutting off the rest of that sentence.

Steve couldn’t help the rise in his own level of frustration at how this conversation was going. “It wasn’t just last night, Christian. I should have seen it before…”

Christian felt like his throat was closing up as he considered all the things that Steve had finally seen and he interrupted before he could hear what Steve thought of him. “Just drop it.”

“No, I have let too much go for too long. I want to know why you’re so angry all the time? What have you done to deserve all that anger?”

Christian huffed, yanking his hand away despite the sharp pain that it caused. “Why are you so stuck on this?”

“Why do you comfort Jensen?”

Chris was momentarily confused at the addition of Jensen into this conversation. “Uhh, because he needs me.”

“Lots of people need help, Christian. Why Jensen?”

“He’s my friend. I care about him.”

“You’re my friend, Chris. I care about you and want to comfort you because you’re hurting, because you’re upset.”

Christian was silent for a moment, not having a single thing to say to that. Finally, he said quietly, “I don’t…I don’t need help. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“You broke your hand! Don’t tell me I don’t need to worry.”

“Dammit, I don’t need you to baby me.”

“Is that how you treat Jensen? You think he’s weak and incapable of helping himself and so you baby him?”

“Of course not, it’s not his fault. I just want to show him that he’s loved. But this is different, you don’t even know…”

Steve heard the unspoken ‘me’ at the end of that sentence. ‘You don’t even know me’. He had to admit that that was true. He had no idea why Chris was the way he was, but he knew what he needed to.

“I know that you’re a great friend. That you have always been there for me, that you were there for Jensen when everybody else believed the lies. That you act like an asshole and sometimes like an egotistical jerk, but in reality you never really ask for anything and you’re very self-conscious about your work. And I’m sorry.”

“What?” The seeming non-sequitor had Chris raising his eyes to meet Steve’s again.

“We’ve known each other all this time and I didn’t help you, I didn’t see. You were there for Jensen but no one was there for you.”

“I don’t…Don’t apologize.” Christian brought up his un-injured hand to rub over his face. He felt worn out and confused, like he didn’t even know what they were talking about anymore. How did he compare to Jensen? Jensen needed him, but Christian should be able to fucking deal with his shit himself.

It was Steve who moved. Chris was tired and in pain, even if he wouldn’t admit it, and Steve didn’t want to push Chris too far too fast. So he stood, recapping Chris’s coke and putting it back in the fridge. “Come on, you should take a nap if you’re not going to sleep at night.”

Chris scowled but it was just a reflex at being scolded. He didn’t know whether he’d be able to go to sleep, but he certainly didn’t want to continue this conversation. So he got up, using the last of his energy to take off his boots and turn over towards the wall, cradling his injured hand towards his chest unconsciously.

For a long time he just laid there, thinking that he could feel Steve’s eyes on his back. He didn’t understand what Steve wanted from him.

Steve had called him a ‘great friend’, but what if he knew that Christian was harboring some un-friend-like feelings for him. Maybe Steve wasn’t running yet, but he would. Nobody wanted a friend who was this needy, and certainly nobody wanted a partner like him. He would leave as soon as he realized Chris wasn’t worth that much effort.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- --

Reality hit Jensen in the face as soon as they left the trailer. He watched Jared, practically giddy as they headed back towards set, smiling at him like Jensen had just made Jay’s whole life.

He didn’t want to ruin it all, ruin Jared’s happiness, ruin their friendship. Jensen wasn’t depressed now, but who knew what would set him off again, who knew when it would happen? He couldn’t imagine subjecting Jared to that, to him when he was like that.

And then there was the whole ‘homosexual relationship’ thing, the having to keep it secret. Sure Chris and Steve had had same-sex relationships before and managed to keep it secret without ruining the relationship, but Jensen wouldn’t exactly use Christian as a model for relationship bliss. Steve, maybe, but still, it was too complicated, too many things could go wrong.

But then Jared was touching him, swiping a large paw through his gelled hair, fucking it up to get Jensen to smile, almost like he could sense the turn Jensen’s mood had taken. Jared didn’t seem to care about the risks at all.

And that was all it took for Jensen to realize that he was kidding himself if he thought that he would ever be able to hide being depressed from Jared, kidding himself if he didn’t realize that Jared would always be there for him, just like Chris. If Jensen had a major depressive episode, Jared would be affected no matter how Jensen tried to protect the younger man.

And more than that, Jensen realized that he wanted it, he wanted this with Jared. He wanted to grab hold of that happiness that Jared brought with him everywhere he went. He was tired of bracing for the worst, tired of looking for the bad around every corner. Jared made him happy and he wasn’t going to let that get away from him.

Jensen smiled softly back at Jared, tipping his face slightly to ‘accidentally’ brush his lips against Jared’s hand. He had to drop his own eyes bashfully for a moment when Jared beamed back at him, but he let himself be drawn into the shelter under Jared’s arm as they approached the set.

After that the day went great. Filming, however, did not.

Jensen prided himself on being professional and, let’s face it, Jared was not the first costar that Jensen had gotten involved with. But this thing with Jay was different.

Every time their eyes met, they broke out in secret smiles, or not so secret if the looks some of the crew were giving them were any indication. They kept moving too close together, kept giggling at inappropriate times. It was like they were making up for lost time.

Eventually though, the director was less than amused at their antics. By lunchtime they were told to ‘have their shit together by the time that they got back on set’. Giggling still, the two men raced back to Jared’s trailer.

“Jesus, Jay, he’s right. This is our job. We need to get this under control.”

“Yep,” Jared agreed, pulling Jensen by his hands toward the bed. They had to do something, had to let out this happiness that seemed to be bursting out of his seams. Jared was always happy in Jen’s presence but this, seeing Jensen so happy and excited with adorable shy smiles and crinkly eyes, for him. It was happiness doubled by being shared. “We need to blow off some of this energy.”

Jensen gasped as he was pulled down to lie over Jared as the taller man lay back. “What are you doing?”

“Blowing off some steam,” Jared grinned.

“We can’t. Not at work.” Jensen managed to say before Jared was parting his lips with an agile tongue.

Jared flipped them over so that he was on top, pulling back from Jen’s lips long enough to say, “We have to do something. I have to touch you or I’m going to explode.”

Jensen had to agree that maybe Jared had a point but he didn’t get to say so since Jared’s tongue was once again in his mouth. And then Jared’s huge hands were skimming up his sides, pushing his t-shirt up.

Jared pulled Jensen by his t-shirt back up to a sitting position, so that he could strip off both of their over- and under-shirts. Then he was pushing Jensen back down on the bed before the protest was fully formed. The bare skin of their torsos came together and it was like time stopped.

They had seen each other in various states of undress dozens of times, from on set to in the wardrobe trailer to at parties where they had had way too much tequila. And they had touched each other, but this, this was different. This was a whole new context in which they were undressing.

Jared felt like a kid on Christmas morning, desperate to get past the wrapping on a present that he already knew was something that he had long wanted.

“God, I just want to be with you Jen. Nothing between us, I want to touch you, see you…”

Jensen made his assent clear by sucking Jared’s tongue into his mouth and helpfully lifting his hips as Jared stripped off his jeans and boxers. And then Jared was on top of him, both naked, their dicks coming into contact with each other for the first time.

Jared was already rutting against him, there wasn’t time for either of them to take in the full view of each other’s naked forms, just glimpses. A glimpse of a blood-engorged erection, of wiry dark hair, of unblemished skin and the ridges of hard muscles.

It was frenzied, with hands grasping every inch of the other’s skin within reach, mouths sliding wetly against one another more than kissing. It was confused, Jensen’s hands trying to pull them together so that he could feel Jared’s waxed chest slide against his own while Jared’s hands attempted to push them apart so that he could slide those enormous paws over Jensen’s chest. It was fantastic, the slide of heated cock against cock, the way that their legs slotted between each other’s, even the rasp of wiry pubic hair against their balls was arousing.

Jared was again scraping sharp teeth against Jensen’s exposed neck when he grabbed one of Jensen’s thighs in a huge hand and pulled it up over his hip. It changed the angle so that they could get their hips closer, rub harder against each other. Jay let out a guttural groan but Jensen wanted more so he used the leverage of his leg to flip them over.

Jensen was now on top but his leg was still curved around Jay’s hip and his arms were trapped underneath Jared’s bulk but he didn’t care as Jensen thrust faster. He could feel the sweat break out along his skin as he got closer, as he drove harder against Jared, their skin sliding more smoothly. Jared’s own hands roamed over Jen’s back, down the swells of Jen’s ass, and then were gripping the backs of Jen’s thighs to get his own leverage to thrust up. He could feel Jensen’s breath panted against his neck, as wet and hot as everything else.

Jen came first, spluttering against Jared’s neck, his body tense in Jared’s arms, and Jared thought that it was odd to feel that wet heat against his belly when he hadn’t come, but he was still thrusting vigorously and soon added his own fluids to the mix between them with a too loud cry to the ceiling.

Collapsing down on top of the larger man, Jensen tried to get his breathing back under control. He didn’t even notice where Jared’s hands were for a few minutes.

One of Jay’s hands was around Jensen’s ribs, but the other was still resting on his ass, one long finger slipping into the crease. It unnerved him slightly, despite that they were currently lying naked with each other, their release still sticky on their sweaty skin, but still it felt more intimate than what they had just done. Jensen couldn’t help squirming slightly.

Jared was confused at first, but then moved his hand away as realization dawned. “Sorry,” he rasped as Jen slid off to his side.

“No, it’s ok. I’m not against the idea, it’s just...”

“Soon,” Jared finished for him.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Or it’s four years late.” Jared mused. Jensen lifted his head at that and they shared a smile before curling together again, not caring a bit that they were naked and that they had just definitely stepped past the bounds of friendship.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

At lunchtime, Steve again went to get two sandwiches. But this time, Steve had already eaten and had gone back to flipping through the tv channels by the time Chris woke.

Steve twisted to look behind him at the bed when he heard Christian’s loud exhale that signaled Chris was awake. “I got you a sandwich in the fridge if you’re hungry.”

Christian nodded, but otherwise didn’t move, just lay on his back staring at the ceiling and hearing the low noise of the television. He was tired but didn’t feel like sleeping. He didn’t feel like eating either. And he didn’t particularly feel like being with any people, not even Steve. He felt like he was swimming through mud, trying so hard but not getting anywhere.

With a start, he realized that that was how Jensen felt when he was depressed, and so he pushed himself to sit up, swinging his legs to the floor again.

Steve watched him, saw how Chris rested his elbows on his knees, hunching over himself, making himself small. And then Steve realized that that was how Chris often sat, in interviews, waiting for the bus, sitting on the couch. It didn’t really mean anything, unless you paired it with Chris’s other behavior and then it had Steve asking himself again, how he hadn’t noticed all of this before.

Chris didn’t seem in any big hurry to get up, so Steve stood and went to the other man. He again, smoothed his hand over Chris’s hair, expecting the shake of head that told him to quit it.

“What are you doing?” Christian’s voice was even gruffer than usual in his exhaustion.

“Just showing you that you’re loved too.”

Christian shook his head in exasperation but didn’t reply. Steve decided to drop it for the moment and went to the fridge to get the sandwich.

“Come on,” he said, moving back to the couch. “We can watch tv while you eat.”

Christian understood it to be the concession it was. Watching tv meant that he wouldn’t have to talk anymore. So he stood and went over there. Steve even gave him the remote.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Jensen and Jared had had just enough time to get something to eat, though the make-up girls were not pleased at the mess they had made of themselves.

Filming went better, there were still smiles and gazes held too long, but really, nothing much had changed. They were still JaredandJensen, they goofed around but they got things done. Even the threat of luring a killer apparently couldn’t change that.

When dinner rolled around though, they were both nervous. It all suddenly seemed much to real, like they had been thrust into one of the horror movies that they had both been in. But this wasn’t some all-powerful, strangely resilient monster that they were going up against, it was just a human, and probably one freaked out enough to be sloppy. Still, Jared couldn’t help pulling Jen behind a trailer and kissing him before Jensen made his way to the parking lot.

Jensen dialed Jay’s number before he had gotten very far from the set. He didn’t want whoever was after him to approach before he even had Jay on the phone. Plus it helped Jensen to remember that he actually wasn’t alone, Jared would be right there with him every step of the way.

It was hard not to smile at the sound of Jared’s voice but luckily Jensen was an actor so he managed.

He started talking, trying to think of what he could say that would make this person nervous. “Hey, yeah, I needed to talk.”

“I went into the hospital this weekend. Yeah, they said it was a drug overdose.”

“Great job, Jen,” was all that Jared said, letting Jensen bait the trap as he saw fit.

“No, I didn’t. It wasn’t a suicide attempt or an accident. I think someone poisoned me deliberately.”

Jensen paused there for a moment before continuing. “Yeah, yeah. I don’t know who or how. I still have the water and beer I drank that night. I was thinking…maybe I should go to the police.”

Jared listened to Jensen for about five more minutes as Jen went through how he couldn’t think of anyone that would want to hurt him. And then he could see Jensen walking towards him. Jared quickly closed his phone, but Jen kept his own open for a few more minutes so it wouldn’t be obvious that they had been talking to each other.

And then they were side by side again.

“Anything wrong?” Jared asked.

“No, fine.”  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- --

The day passed slowly for Chris and Steve. There wasn’t a lot of conversation. Really Chris seemed too tired to really focus on a conversation or the television. Steve didn’t know why the man didn’t just go back to sleep.

And Steve had to deal with wanting to wrap a sleepy, pliable Christian up in his arms. He wanted to be able to stroke his fingers through that long hair as Christian rested his head on Steve’s chest. It was a hard line to follow, trying to know how far he could push without pushing too far.

He couldn’t resist sitting closer though, brushing the hair off of Christian’s face as the other man leaned his head back against the couch and ignoring the confused glance that Chris shot him. Steve didn’t however push Christian with any more questions, letting the other man hide in his silence, regroup, and, hopefully, think about what Steve had said.

At Steve’s insistence, they walked together to get dinner, figuring that the J’s wouldn’t be off early again. Christian spoke to a few people that he had met on previous visits, but in general the meal was quiet as well. They only made small talk, reminiscing about their past trips to Jensen’s sets.

As they walked back to the trailer, Steve stroked a hand down Chris’s back, telling him, “It’s ok if you need to take another nap. As long as it won’t keep you up tonight.”

Christian only shook his head and walked on. Steve could tell that the touching was getting to Chris, not that Steve never touched Chris before, but before Steve hadn’t known what he knew now.

Chris had declined to go back to sleep but he did lie down on the bed with one of the books that he had brought from the house. And he seemed unperturbed when Steve grabbed a book and lay down beside him, their arms brushing occasionally because of the small bed.

That was how the J’s came upon them a couple of hours later. The two musician’s positions were not that unusual, Steve did like to be near people though not on the scale that Jared usually invaded people’s space. Still, Jensen couldn’t help but wish that Steve would open his eyes and see what was literally lying right next to him.

It was nine o’clock when they piled in the car to be driven home and they only sat in the living room for a moment to talk about their respective days. Christian immediately noticed the happiness that Jensen was radiating and though he didn’t know Jared as well, he was observant enough to notice that that happiness was mirrored on the younger actor’s face.

So it was with curiosity that Christian followed Jensen into the bedroom after they had brushed their teeth.

Jensen wanted to tell Chris, starting, “Chris, listen…”

“Man, what is up with you and the giant?” Christian asked, cutting Jensen off as they stripped to t-shirts and boxers, flicked the lights off, and climbed into bed.

Jensen let out a surprised laugh. “Umm, well, it’s…God, I’m being such a girl about this. We might be together, I guess.”

“Might be, you guess? What kind of answer is that? What’d you guys do?”

“Well, we didn’t exactly set out a five year plan, but we made out a little…maybe a little more than made out.”

Christian couldn’t help laughing. “Well, thank the mother-fucking lord. I’d almost given up hope on the two of you getting a clue.”

Christian didn’t ask if Jensen was sure he knew what he was doing, getting involved with a guy who also happened to be his costar on a show about brothers. Chris wasn’t about to start preaching on discretion or hiding in closets. Nobody would believe such a speech coming from him anyway. If there was a fall-out, he would help Jen deal with it later.

“You’re happy.” It wasn’t a question, but if it had been Christian wouldn’t have needed a verbal response to get his answer because it was written in his friend’s face. And Chris was happy to see it.

“How’s your hand?”

Jensen didn’t need to see Chris’s face in the dark to know that the other man was scowling. “It’ll be fine.”

Jensen nodded. He still didn’t want to scold Chris for it, but one of these days it wasn’t going to be ‘fine’.

“You talk to Steve?” Jensen asked instead.

“About what?”

Jensen rolled his eyes at Chris’s attempt to play dumb. “I’m sure Steve had a few questions…”

“I told him that I shouldn’t have and that it was stupid, which it was.”

“But you didn’t say why?”

“There is no why. I’m a dumbass, end of story.”

Jensen scowled then. Chris was loyal to his parents no matter what they had done. He still didn’t see that there was anything wrong with how his father had raised him. Hell, Chris thought his momma was like a saint or something. He wrote a song for her just because when Christian decided to go to Hollywood, the woman had given him ninety-five dollars and told him she was proud of him.

That did not make up for Chris’s childhood in Jensen’s book and moreover it did not make up for the fact that still when Chris went home for Christmas every year, his father would berate Chris at the table while his mother stayed silent. The only person who had ever defended him was his sister who had made herself scarce around holidays ever since she got married.

“He doesn’t need to deal with my shit,” was all that Chris said.

The next day dawned again much as the day previous had. They got up, got dressed, didn’t have coffee, and rode to the set. The J’s headed off to make-up while Chris and Steve walked off to Jen’s trailer.

Today Christian went immediately to Jen’s bed, feeling more and more tired as the days went on. He wondered how long Steve planned on staying. He wondered how long he himself should stay since there wasn’t anything visibly wrong with Jensen. Hell, now the boy was in love.

It just didn’t make sense. Nothing seemed to make sense at this point. He felt like he was the only one who had a problem, he was the only one cracking, trying desperately not to fall apart under the concerned gazes of his friends.

Meanwhile, the J’s spent breaks in Jared’s trailer, having found a new way to entertain themselves, though they didn’t take it as far as removing clothing again.

Chris woke in the early afternoon and ate the sandwich that Steve had gotten for him again. It was starting to become a disturbing routine, even the part where Steve tried to get him to talk.

“Why don’t you want me to touch you?”

Christian sighed. He longed for the days when Steve had been oblivious to everything. “I don’t know. I just didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family, I guess.”

“So your mom never played with your hair, or rubbed your back, or…”

“Don’t.” Chris’s sharp tone caught Steve’s attention, told him that he was onto something.

“I didn’t say anything against them, Chris.” But Steve could see that his placating words were having no effect on how defensive Chris was.

“They just…It just wasn’t my father’s way. It’s not about them, it was me. If I had been…” Christian clenched his jaw to make himself shut up.

“Then what was his way?”

“He just wanted me to be strong and capable, he wanted me…”

Christian shook his head as he stood, wanting, needing to get away from Steve and his concern and caring. Christian couldn’t handle it, couldn’t handle the emotions Steve evoked in him.

But Steve followed, crowding close behind him as he reached for the door handle, grabbing the wrist of his injured hand again. Christian leaned his forehead against the door, trying to slow his breathing, clear the panic clouding his thoughts.

Slowly he became aware of how close Steve was. He could feel the heat of the other man all along his back, could feel his back brush against Steve’s chest every time that he breathed. God, he wanted…Christian felt reckless, pushed past his limits with nothing making sense and Steve was filling up all his senses, keeping him grounded. He wanted to distract Steve and himself from this conversation, from the emotions that were clouding over everything.

Christian turned back around slowly, Steve letting go of his wrist reluctantly to plant that hand against the wall of the door as well. Steve’s handsome face as worried as Christian had ever seen it, the blue eyes filled with compassionate concern. But Christian focused on distracting Steve, tried to prevent himself from giving into his own weak need for comfort. Christian was again caged within the circle of Steve’s arms, but Christian wasn’t captured.

He registered the surprise on Steve’s face as he leaned forward to capture the other man’s lips in a fierce kiss. He had counted on Steve’s surprise and lust. What Christian hadn’t counted on was his own reaction to kissing Steve. Steve always did tie him up in knots.

What Christian had meant to be a possessive kiss, a kiss that he controlled had become something else. Once his lips were on the other man’s he found himself giving in to Steve in a way that he had never given in to a lover. He was always the one in control even with a male partner, even while being penetrated, always the one to use his hands and body and lips to please them, but he found himself wanting Steve to touch him, wanting to give Steve everything.

Steve wrapped one arm around Christian’s waist, pulling the two men together while he angled Christian’s head with his other hand. He gentled the kiss inspiring Christian to open his mouth in offering, an offering that Steve was only too willing to take as he used his tongue to stroke slowly over the surfaces of Christian’s mouth.

Christian felt like he was melting, particularly his will and he needed…needed. No, Christian firmly told his half-functioning brain. He didn’t need anything, he didn’t need to be loved or held or comforted. He needed to get back into control.

With the kind of grace that Steve had always admired, Christian sank to his knees, his hands immediately going to the button of Steve’s jeans. This was how it was supposed to be, Chris in control, pleasuring Steve, giving Steve what he needed.

Christian was then understandably surprised when Steve dropped to his knees before Christian could even get the zipper down. No guy refused a blow job. But Steve knew what Christian was doing, trying to make this about just sex, about getting off, but he wasn’t going to let it happen. He wrapped up Chris in strong arms again, kissing him and plunging a tongue back into Christian’s willing mouth. Christian let out a soft keening moan, so needy like Christian was dying for Steve’s touch, like Steve was killing him with kindness.

Christian found himself scrabbling at Steve’s t-shirt when Steve used his long hair to pull his head back, baring his neck for Steve’s eager kisses. Steve’s teeth were not gentle where they nibbled on Christian’s throat, but neither were they cruel. Christian produced another soft startled moan at the feel. Steve’s hands were firm where they stroked down over Christian’s t-shirt clad back and down over Christian’s jean-clad butt.

Then Steve’s hands were stripping off Christian’s t-shirt and plunging inside the back of Christian’s loose jeans. Chris had to grab onto Steve’s shoulders as he arched his back instinctively when Steve rubbed his hole through his cotton boxer-briefs, his breath and hips stuttering. And Steve was talking into his ear in between biting and pulling on the lobe, “God, you’re so beautiful, Christian. So fucking  
beautiful.”

Steve wanted to say ‘I’ll take care of you, baby’ and ‘just relax and let me get you there’, but he was too afraid of Christian’s skittish behavior. Instead he said, “That’s it. You like that, don’t you? God, Fuck, can I…can I…?”

Steve didn’t need to finish that sentence because Christian was already nodding and wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck, ready to agree to whatever Steve wanted, particularly if it would keep Steve touching him.

So Steve hauled them off the floor, making sure to continue kissing and stroking Christian as they maneuvered their way to the bed so that Christian wouldn’t back out. But it seemed as if Christian had surrendered, yielded to Steve’s desires and hands. He was pliant as Steve moved them as Steve pulled Christian’s jeans and boxers off as Steve laid Christian back on the bed before stripping off his own clothes in a rush.

If Steve had had a thought that suggested that they shouldn’t be doing this, seeing Christian spread out naked on a flat surface completely killed it. Christian’s hair fanned out over the pillow, his blue eyes dark as the night sky, his lips red and parted, not to mention his Hollywood perfect body, muscles covered by soft, golden skin, his cock as perfect as the rest of him, flushed red with blood.

But it was the way that Christian’s legs were bent and parted in offering that Steve couldn’t refuse. So he didn’t, he clambered onto the bed and laid his body over Christian’s, gratified at the quiet exhalation Christian let out as their naked flesh touched.

He couldn’t resist delving into Christian’s mouth again as Christian’s arms came up to lightly encircle his hips, arms that weren’t trying to pull them together, only holding as if wanting the contact. Steve moved his lips down to suck at the skin at Christian’s collar bone. With any luck there’d be a mark, physical proof of this that Christian wouldn’t be able to shrug off later.

And Steve certainly couldn’t neglect the tight brown buds of Christian’s nipples. The faint whine/moan that Christian made when he licked the left one was only surpassed by the slight thrashing Steve elicited when he bit it. Steve’s teeth worried first one nipple then the other with lips and teeth as Christian arched his chest into Steve’s mouth, his hips searching for whatever friction his cock could get against Steve’s belly.

At least, until Steve pushed him back down with a hand on Christian’s hip and, amazingly, Christian subsided, submitted. His blue eyes were dark with lust and yet, open and defenseless, as if he trusted Steve to get him there. Steve watched those eyes as he bent to take a nipple in his mouth again, watched as those captivating eyes closed, as a furrow appeared between Christian’s eyebrows as if he were in pain. “Ungh,” only a small cry escaped from Christian’s lips though.

Steve would almost swear that Christian was disappointed when he moved on to mouth at Christian’s ribs, Christian’s hipbone, and…

“There’s lube and condoms in the cupboard above the bathroom sink.”

Steve just barely managed to prevent an ineloquent ‘huh’ from coming out of his mouth, the sound of Christian’s whiskey and smoke voice was so unexpected. When his brain came back online, Steve just nodded. He felt only slightly stupid walking naked to the bathroom, mostly because Christian’s voice had been full of need. It was more than just sexual need, Steve didn’t think that it was overstating things to say that Christian needed physical comfort and affection, that he needed someone who knew that he had problems to touch him.

Christian watched him go with eyes half-closed to hide the shine to them. It was almost too much, to have this, that golden skin that he had often seen but never touched, not like he wanted to, those lips that he had watched sing, those eyes that he had seen look adoringly at several other people but were now intensely focused on him. Steve was almost too beautiful to look at, like a stained glass window, shining because of the light he kept within.

When Steve returned to the main room, Christian had moved. Now he was lying on his stomach, a pillow already situated under his hips. Christian didn’t look up at Steve’s approach but he did open his legs wider.

It was a stunning display, Christian’s hips raised, his perfectly rounded ass pushed back for Steve to take. But it didn’t stop Steve from seeing how tightly Christian was holding himself. He was nervous or scared or self-conscious, something but whatever it wasn’t it wasn’t how Steve wanted him to feel the first time they had sex. Steve stroked a hand down the tense muscles of Christian’s back but Christian beat him to be the first to speak.

“Do it, just…just fuck me.”

Steve nodded even though he knew that Christian couldn’t see. He smoothed Christian’s hair back from his face that was turned sideways on the pillow, eyes closed. Christian’s hands were under the pillow, probably gripping it tightly.

Repressing the urge to sigh, Steve tried to think of a way to show Christian that this was more than just about getting off. He began by nipping the shell of Christian’s ear again, letting his short nails lightly scratch the sensitive skin on the inside of Christian’s biceps. Steve didn’t think that he was imagining the slight smile to Christian’s lips at that though his blue eyes stayed closed.

He let his body lay over Christian’s, skin to skin as he kissed slowly down the knobs of Christian’s spine, his hands stroking and tickling Christian’s sides. When he reached the round curve of Christian’s ass, Steve couldn’t resist biting a mark into one cheek, again eliciting such a small cry. All of the noises Chris was making were so quiet, Steve couldn’t decide whether it was due to the fact that they were in a trailer or whether Christian was still trying to control himself by at least quieting his reaction.

Sitting back on his knees, Steve coated two fingers with lube before inserting one. Slowly, he worked it in, up to first one knuckle, then two. Christian’s hips moved without his consent as Steve worked that one finger in and out. It was only one finger and he really was begging like a whore.

But he was moving past caring what he looked or acted like. He only wanted Steve in him and around him and that scared him. Not that he was letting Steve inside his body, he certainly wasn’t a virgin on that score, but that Christian wanted it so much. He was letting Steve be in control, Steve who had seen him when he had lost it the other night, who had seen him comfort and take care of Jensen, Steve who had seen him.

Steve, on the other hand, was in awe of the wanton, sensual movement of Christian’s body. He slipped in a second finger, appreciating the low groan and arch of Christian’s body as he pressed them over Christian’s prostate.

He had to remove his fingers to roll down the condom over his own length, but then he was there, the blunt head of his cock pressing against that tight opening. And Christian was pressing back against him again, impatient and greedy to be filled.

Steve pressed inside on a long slow glide, Christian grunting when he bottomed out. It wasn’t a happy noise and so Steve lay down over Christian again, his hands reaching underneath the pillow to grasp at Christian’s hands.

The noise Christian made as Steve moved his hips again was more like a sob, but his good hand was gripping Steve’s and he was raising up on his knees, pressing his hips back as if he didn’t want to lose an inch of Steve’s cock inside him. But the noise he made when Steve thrust back in was better, a quiet almost-pained cry that told Steve he had the right angle.

It was amazing. It was tight and hot but that wasn’t anything new for Steve, this wasn’t the first ass he’d been inside, male or female. It was the way Christian moved against him, needy, desperate for Steve to touch him, to hold him, to love him.

Steve rested his forehead against Christian’s shoulder blade, whispering against warm, sweaty skin, “I didn’t know…I didn’t know it’d be like this,” that’d Christian would be like this. Christian’s hips pressed up and back, his spine arching into Steve’s chest, his fingers still gripping Steve’s hand.

Christian couldn’t help the gasps that were forced out of him at every forceful thrust, deep, hard, just how he liked. The way that Steve’s cock filled him, stretched him, pounded on his prostate. It was nearly painful, a bright sizzle along his nerves, but so good that Christian couldn’t help begging with his body for more, for everything.

Steve drew his right hand, his free hand down Christian’s body to grasp his cock, only now realizing that Christian couldn’t because of his injury. He stroked firmly, Christian biting off his cries and whimpers as he got closer to his orgasm.

But then it was with a soundless, open-mouthed cry that Christian came, the arch of his back a near impossible angle as his hips stuttered and wet warmth coated Steve’s hand. Steve followed Christian’s body down as the other man collapsed, before starting his rhythm back up, short, hard thrusts that Christian, though over-sensitive couldn’t help still lifting his hips into, a mewling kittenish sound coming from his throat that he was unable to stop.

A growled groan and some half mumbled words, some of which may have been Christian’s name signaled Steve’s own orgasm. He lay for a moment on top of Christian, still thrusting lazily before rolling onto his side and pulling carefully free of Christian’s hole.

There was a trash can right next to the bed and, after removing the condom, Steve was content to just lie there on his side for a while, not caring about being sticky. Christian’s face was turned away from him on the pillow and Steve reached out a hand to stroke Christian’s back as they both got their breath back.

It was the hand stroking down his back that did it for Christian. It was fine that they had had sex, that he had gotten a little carried away in it, but Steve was petting him now, like Christian needed to be comforted, like Christian was a girl or…or broken.

‘Stop coddling the boy’, his father used to yell at his mother, even if she had just stroked a hand through his hair, handed him an ice pack. ‘He needs to learn to take care of himself!’

Christian had to get out of here. This had been a mistake. It was meant to drive Steve away, not convince Steve that he needed a nursemaid. Christian avoided Steve’s eyes as he pushed himself up to his knees, quickly climbing off the bed.

Steve might have thought that Christian was just getting up to go to the bathroom, clean up or whatever if it weren’t for the hurry that Chris was in. Christian’s movements were too tightly controlled as he grabbed for his jeans, yanking them and his boxers on in one motion and then reaching for his boots.

“Chris, what…?”

“Fuck! I’m sorry, this was a mistake. I didn’t…”

Didn’t what? Didn’t mean to, oh yes, Christian most certainly did mean to. He had only wanted this forever.

It just hadn’t turned out like he had planned.

“Wait! This doesn’t…”

Doesn’t what, Steve asked himself. It doesn’t change anything because he was pretty sure that it changed everything. And it definitely meant something to Steve and he would bet good money that it had meant something to Christian too.

But Christian didn’t wait for him to finish that sentence. He shoved his feet in his boots and threw on his t-shirt.

“I just…need a minute.”

Steve was still sitting there stunned when the door closed. Then he jumped up, stumbling into his own clothes a lot less gracefully than Chris had.

Christian took off immediately for the only place that he knew you could find some privacy on set, the parking lot.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- --

Jensen was on the phone, heading out towards the parking lot for the second day. He was beginning to doubt whether this was as ingenious a plan as he had first thought, but he knew his doubts were based in his impatience. He wanted whatever was going to happen to happen already.

And then he got his wish. He was really just ambling about as he often did when he was on the phone and he didn’t see the woman approaching until she was right next to him, knocking the phone out of his hand before he even had a chance to warn Jared.

“What…?” He wanted to ask her what the fuck she thought she was doing, but then he saw a flash of metal at her side.

It was so unexpected that it took him a long moment to realize that it was a gun she was holding down by her side, wanting him to see it and be frightened but wanting to hide it from others’ view.

She was of medium height, maybe 5’7”, with blonde hair and dark eyes and Jensen knew that he had seen her on set, but with the adrenaline flooding his veins, he couldn’t remember her name.

“Listen, uhh…”

“Jody, its Jody, you arrogant prick! Now shut up!” She hadn’t been able to resist raising her voice even though she was trying not to attract the attention of anyone. She knew that she was taking a big risk, bringing the gun to set, confronting a much larger man, but she didn’t have any choice.

She hadn’t heard all of the conversation that Jensen had had on the phone yesterday evening, but she had heard the important thing, police. She didn’t know whether he had already gone to the cops or not, didn’t know whether she had left anything for the cops to find, but she couldn’t take that chance.

Coincidentally she had cornered Jensen beside the SUV that she had rented when she moved up here. When she had moved to Vancouver following him.

Subtly she waved the gun towards the car, getting his attention on it before she spoke again. “Get in the car.”

Those green eyes that had so captivated her were opened wide with shock and his perfect pouty lips were parted in an ‘o’. But then Jensen surprised her.

“No.”

“What?!” she sputtered. “Get in the car or I will shoot you.”

Jensen shook his head. “I get in and you’ll kill me anyway once we get where we’re going. Or worse.”

“Jensen!” Chris’s booming shout surprised the both of them. Jensen knew that Chris hadn’t seen the gun that the woman held, and the other actor was quickly getting too close to them as he jogged over.

“Jen, what’s going…on?” The last word was said softly as the woman lifted the gun as Chris got too close for comfort.

“Stop where you are.” Shit, shit, shit, shit, the woman thought. Wildly, she aimed the gun at Chris and then back at Jensen, switching between the two men as she frantically contemplated what to do.

But Christian didn’t stop, didn’t think. He held his hands up and slowed his pace, but he had to get between Jensen and that gun, that was his only thought. Maybe not his smartest plan but Chris always did have a tendency to think with his heart or his dick rather than his brain.

Jared and Steve had made it to the parking lot, but they held back. Well, Jared held Steve back as he frantically dialed the police. He didn’t want to yell out for security in case it freaked the woman out.

But Christian’s continued movement was already causing her to panic, her hands tightening on the gun, it fired without her really meaning to. The shot echoed like a sonic boom in the quiet, all five people’s breaths stuttering out as they tried to ascertain what had exactly happened.

And then they saw Chris stumble, saw red blossoming on the front and back of his grey t-shirt.

Jared heard a voice, sounding far-away in his ear, “What is your emergency?”

“He’s been shot.”

Jared hastily explained what had happened to the voice on the phone, holding onto Steve with his free hand to prevent the man from running out there on pure instinct.

Jensen was the first to move, his voice crying out Christian’s name in panic.

“Stop!”

With wide, fearful eyes, Jensen saw that the gun was still trained on Chris and so he did as he was told. Christian, though, was stumbling back up off the one knee that he had dropped to.

Jody looked from one determined, frightened face to the other, and made her decision. She knew everything about Jensen and his friends. What was that show that Christian Kane was on? Leverage and just in time too.

Keeping the gun on Christian but not getting too close to the man, bullet wound or no, she spoke to Jensen. “You and he are both getting in the car or I’ll shoot both of you.”

Jensen’s nod was sharp. What he had said before still stood, she probably would kill them both as soon as they reached her destination, but with Chris’s life on the line as well…He had to buy some time, had to think of something to get them out of this.

Christian’s eyes showed his pain clearly as Jensen moved to the other man, reaching one arm around his friend’s waist to help him walk. Christian gritted his teeth together as Jen’s attempt to help jarred his injury, feeling like two pieces of glass grinding together in his right shoulder.

Jody opened the passenger door with her free hand. There was a pair of handcuffs through the hand bar, what her mom had called the ‘Jesus strap’, as in ‘oh Jesus, don’t let me die in this car’.

“Cuff him.”

Both Christian and Jensen were frustrated but neither saw any other option and so Jensen helped Christian first sit in the seat and then lift his arms to the bar. The pain of lifting his injured arm up that high almost had Christian’s eyes rolling back in his head, but he held on, panting through the pain. Now was not the time to pass out, handcuffed to a car with a crazy woman in it who was after your best friend…nope, not the time no matter how fucking much it hurt.

Jen grimaced as Chris let out a sharp moan of pain. Blood was covering the entire right side of Christian’s shirt now, trailing in red rivulets down Christian’s arm until Jensen stopped their progression by lifting the arm.

Then Jody was passing Jensen another pair of handcuffs as she opened the back seat. “Now cuff yourself to the hand bar in the back.”

Jensen did as instructed, mostly because her gun was still trained on Christian’s slumped form. Then she shut the doors, closing them in before climbing into the driver’s seat.

Steve watched the SUV drive away with disbelief written across his face. What the fuck was going on?! He tried not to think of Christian’s stumble, of how Christian’s knee hit the pavement hard even as the man was struggling to get back up.

“Fuck!! Where are the fucking cops?! If they leave the set, how’re they going to find them?”

Steve looked over to find Jared fiddling with what looked like a small game boy. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Jared didn’t answer, his concentration entirely on the blips on the small screen he held instead. “Come on, we have to go after them.”

“What? If she sees us following her, she’ll probably run them all off the road.”

“No, I know where they’re going…with this thing.”

Steve held off on asking Jared what the fuck that ‘thing’ was because they were sprinting across the parking lot to the little cabin thing where the keys to the studio cars were kept. Jared grabbed the ones to the car that Cliff normally picked them up in, before sprinting off again.

Both men dove into the car, Jared in the driver’s seat. He thrust the monitor at Steve as he pulled the car out of the parking place, tires squealing.

“What the…Is that them? That dot? Why the fuck do you have a tracking device on them?” Steve didn’t even realize that he was using ‘fuck’ every other sentence.

“Chad gave it to me, last Christmas. Don’t ask, there was this thing with a girl I went out with a couple of times and…nevermind.” Jared was babbling, trying desperately to focus on getting to Jensen and not on what might be happening to Jensen, not on the shot that had hit Christian, not on the fact that he had no idea what they were going to do once they got to wherever they were going.

“Turn left and floor it. That still doesn’t explain why you have a tracking device on one of them.”

At that question Jared looked guilty, squirming like a little kid. “I…We, Jensen and I…well, Jensen said that he didn’t try to kill himself.”

At Steve’s startled breath, Jared continued. “He said that he did suffer from depression and that he did try to kill himself that other time, but…”

“Next right,” Steve interjected.

“He said he didn’t do it this time. And I believed him so we were trying to lure out the person who did it.”

“You two are idiots!”

“Would you have believed us?! You think the cops would have?!” Jared couldn’t help raising his voice. He tried to calm down.

Steve lowered his voice too. “I don’t know if we would have believed you, but Chris would have stayed by Jen’s side night and day if Jensen thought that he was in danger.”

“I know, but…” Jared didn’t really know what to say. Maybe they were idiots.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Jensen’s scrambled brain worked frantically to find a way out of this. Even if he could get out of the cuffs, he didn’t want the girl to drive them into a tree or worse, another car. He couldn’t help his mouth asking the obvious question.

“Why are you doing this?”

She huffed, as if she were the one who should be offended in this scenario.

“I grew up in the suburbs of Dallas too, ya know? Not Richardson, but close enough. I followed your career every step of the way, tried to be close to you, I thought if you just knew me…Then I got a job on Supernatural. I spoke to you, on set, at the grocery store, I hung out at your favorite restaurants, but all you’d ever do was smile and say hi. I tried to get you to see me but you were too self-involved, too full of yourself to notice what was right in front of you.”

“A crazy lady?” Christian’s comment was said in a low, thin voice.

The woman frowned, not about to take any shit from Jensen’s obnoxious friends, and so she swung her right arm at the man chained to the passenger seat.

The sharply indrawn breath was strangely satisfying so she did it again, harder. That time she got a muffled groan as the hit jarred Chris’s shoulders.

“Stop it!” Jensen yelled from the back, pulling on his restraints though he knew that it wouldn’t do any good. “I got in the car with you, so don’t touch him!”

“Oh, honey,” she said in a sugary sweet voice. “I don’t think that you’re in a position to make demands, now are you?” She laughed getting a kick out of saying the line often used in television.

She turned her attention back to the road, turning off of the main streets and onto some country roads. She knew she was in trouble. The car and the cabin were in her name, if Jensen had gone to the police or if anyone had seen, they would be quickly tracked, but she had nowhere else to go. And she was going to teach Jensen Ackles a lesson.

Finally they pulled up to a cabin, much like the ones Jensen and Jared had gone to occasionally for a weekend retreat. She slid out of the car and then opened Christian’s door first.

Jensen could see that Chris was fading, his every movement telegraphed the immense pain that he had to be in. She un-cuffed Christian and then stepped back. She kept the gun trained on Christian from more than an arm’s length away as she ordered Christian to open Jensen’s door and uncuff him.

Christian had to lean against the edge of the door opening, panting in exertion for a moment before he lifted his good arm to Jensen’s cuffed hands. Unfortunately, his movements were too uncoordinated, too jerky with only one hand. He tried to bite his lip to keep the whimper unheard as he lifted his injured arm but by the look on Jen’s face he was unsuccessful.

As soon as one hand was free, Jensen releasing his other wrist himself, tossing them at their captor before wrapping his arms carefully around his friend’s body. Chris was hot, wet with sweat and blood, and he was panting like he couldn’t get a full breath even though Jensen was fairly certain that the bullet had not hit a lung. But even now, with blue eyes unfocused with pain, Chris was trying not to  
lean on Jensen.

Jensen kept one eye on Chris as the other tracked the woman’s movements as she moved around behind the two men.

“Go inside. I’ll be behind you. Don’t forget I have a loaded gun and you never know who I’m pointing it at.”

Jensen clenched his own jaw, not in pain but in helpless frustration. Obediently, he tried to heft more of Christian’s weight as they began to walk towards the front door. Jensen opened it and they stumbled into the dark interior.

“Keep moving. Up those stairs to your right.”

Jensen just barely managed not to say anything else snide. Chris was being a trooper, but were stairs really necessary?

Christian took a big breath as they reached the stairs, clutching Jensen’s shoulder tighter. He would have to lean on Jensen to make it and he hated the thought of putting any more weight on Jensen’s shoulders when they were in such a terrible situation.

Jensen was in awe of Christian’s strength as they made their way to the top. Chris took each step slowly, purposefully. He never stopped moving, just kept lifting one leg and then the other until they had reached the top.

“Move forward. Christian, you kneel down at the foot of the bed there.”

Christian sank to the ground in front of an old-fashioned wrought iron bed in a large, spacious bedroom, sparsely furnished. He heard the handcuffs again, before Jensen was leaning down to cuff his hands again to the corner of the foot-board.

Jody stayed behind Christian as she tossed the second pair of handcuffs at Jensen again. “Sit on the bed and cuff yourself to the headboard.”

She waited until he was in position before getting the broom from the small closet. She hadn’t really meant to hurt anyone, well, anyone but Jensen and his death was supposed to be quick. But she couldn’t deny the rush she had gotten hearing Christian’s pain when she had hit him in the car, seeing Jensen squirm. She knew the perfect way to drive her point home to Jensen now.

She gripped the opposite end of the broomstick, near the bristles. Then she looked straight into those beautiful wide green eyes and asked the first question. “What’s my name?”

She punctuated the question with a randomly placed hit to Christian’s back with the broomstick. Both Jensen and Chris cried out at the unexpected violence, Christian in surprised pain, but Jensen cried out, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“What is my name?” She enunciated each word clearly before bringing the wooden handle down again, this time aiming for Christian’s right kidney.

Christian tried to keep his response down to a low groan and over it, he heard Jensen’s rushed response. “J-Jody. Stop hurting him!”

“Where am I from?” That blow she aimed at Christian’s injured shoulder, causing the strong man to cry out sharply.

“Dallas!” Jensen cried too. “I’m answering, just stop it! Whatever you want…”

“Whatever I want?! It’s a little late for what I want!” She struck out again towards Christian’s right kidney again.

“I wanted to be near you! I wanted you to notice me!” This time, she brought the stick up towards Christian’s chest, the strike landing with a crack that they all heard.

Christian was in too much pain to even cry out, his breath becoming short and fast immediately. He’d had bruised ribs before, but not broken ones, not after already being shot. His only thought had been to keep the woman’s attention on him instead of Jensen, long enough for someone to find them, but with all the crazy coming out of this bitch’s mouth, he wasn’t sure she wouldn’t shoot them both any given second.

“I wanted to be with you, but you’re just like all the rest,” she finished her tirade quietly. It was that lowering of her voice that made Christian start to struggle again, pulling on his cuffed hands despite the pain that felt like fire engulfing his whole body.

He got his wish though, Jody’s attention was now turned fully towards him.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Steve was pulling out his phone even as they pulled onto the street where the dot had stopped. He had to tell the police where the other two had been taken.

Meanwhile, upstairs in the cabin, Jody looked down into glazed blue eyes that still shone with grim determination.

“You stupid, son of a bitch! You think you’re getting out of here?! You think you can still save the day?!”

Jensen didn’t want to turn away from his friend in his suffering but this was probably the only opportunity he was going to get. One perk of working on a show like Supernatural was that he really had learned to pick locks with things like the bobby pin that he had gotten out of his pocket prior to re-cuffing himself to the bed frame.

It was hard to concentrate on what he was doing, on something as small as a bobby pin when he could hear the crack of Chris taking more blows from the broomstick. The sounds were close together, intermingled with the appalling sound of Chris’s wretched cries, as she had apparently lost her temper.

But then he was free and he leapt from the bed right on top of her. Jensen didn’t even give her a chance to recover before he slammed her head down into the floorboards once to make sure she was out.

The sound of footsteps running up the stairs towards them had Jensen looking up in mingled hope and fear.

It was Jared who burst through the door first, followed by Steve. Neither man had been able to wait in the car like the woman on the phone had insisted. They took in the scene before them with stricken eyes.

Jensen was crouched over the woman from the parking lot, now unconscious. But Jensen himself looked relatively unharmed, unlike Chris.

Steve’s eyes roamed quickly over Christian’s form. Christian was huddled over his knees, his arms still chained to the bed out in front of him. Dark blood stained most of his t-shirt and painted his right arm red, his hair clung to his face in wet tendrils. He didn’t look up at their intrusion and the only sign that he was even alive was the constant motion of his back with his shallow breathing.

“Oh God,” Steve moved forward first, crouching down behind the injured man but afraid to touch him for fear of hurting him more. Jensen was there a second later, wielding the bobby pin to get his friend free.

Steve ended up with his arms around Christian, under his armpits and Steve lifted the other man back to rest on his chest as Jensen freed Christian’s hands. The sound that Christian made as Steve moved him, a long drawn-out wailing moan was a sound that Steve would hear in his nightmares he was sure.

Christian’s body was stiff in his arms, but it was to brace himself against overwhelming pain this time. Christian’s head lolled back on Steve’s shoulder as he stared glassy-eyed at Jensen’s face above him.

“Careful,” Jensen cautioned as if Steve would be anything other than gentle with his precious load. “His ribs are broken.”

Steve was the only one to cry, leaking tears like a faucet as he nuzzled his face into Christian’s wet hair. Jared had crouched down beside Jensen, his arms going immediately around the other man.

“Ambulance is on its way.”

“How did you find us?” Jensen asked.

“I put a tracking device in your shoe.”

“You what? Why do you own a tracking device?”

“It’s a long story that involves Chad.”

Christian finally spoke up then. “Oh, well that’s all we need to know then.”

Jared and Jensen chuckled a little even as Jensen admonished Christian not to talk. They could all hear Christian’s labored breathing, loud and harsh as the silence stretched between them.

Christian couldn’t help speaking again. He had to do something besides lie there in pain and he was reasonably sure that talking wasn’t going to kill him. “Jensen you always did attract the crazy ones.”

“Chris, this is a long story for another time. Like when you’re lying in your hospital bed, bored out of your mind.”

Christian scowled at that prospect.

It was noon the next day that Jensen, Jared, and Steve were huddled around Christian’s hospital bed. None of them had slept, well, unless you could call Christian being sedated ‘sleeping’.

They had all given their statement to the Vancouver police department, Jensen even explaining the first attack that they had thought was a suicide attempt. They had also called their families after an army of press showed up outside. None of them wanted their parents to worry if they saw this on the news. Jensen was the one to call the Kane family. They weren’t coming which frankly Jensen was glad for.

Jared had called Kripke and then they had all called their managers to deal with the press. That had basically taken the whole night.

Christian had been taken away by the EMS immediately when the cops had made it to the cabin. He had been easily stabilized and sedated until the next morning when he was scheduled for shoulder surgery where the bullet had hit the bone. Fortunately his ribs had stayed in place despite being broken.

Though they had all been tired by dawn, they had stayed at the hospital. More than they had wanted to see Chris, they had wanted Chris to see them when he woke up. The whole thing was like a scene on television, like the scenes that both Jared and Jensen had been in before, all three men in the waiting room, alternately clinging to each other and pacing. They had washed Christian’s blood off of themselves and Kripke had gotten someone from the network to bring them clean clothes.

Christian was only sort of awake those first few hours, drifting off frequently after the surgery in his half-sitting up hospital bed. His torso was completely black and blue, front and back, what you could see of it. He was wearing a pillow sling for his right arm that covered a good bit of the right side of his chest. His right hand had also been x-rayed and re-bandaged, while his left wrist had a ring of dark bruises around it that Jensen’s matched, and the back of his left hand had an IV in it. And on top of it all, he wore the standard issue hospital gown and white blanket.

The three of them had been mostly quiet as Christian drifted, his pale relaxed face turned sideways on the pillow, the silence only occasionally broken by speech and sniffles. All three of them kept a hand touching Christian, even Jared. Jared may not have known Christian as well as the other two men but still, a man who had cooked for Jared, who had played and sang for Jared, who had slept in Jared’s house had been shot right in front of him. They all wanted to comfort themselves and Christian.

Jensen knew that Chris wasn’t going to like this, being stared at by the three of them like a bug under a microscope as Chris was drugged and vulnerable. But as soon as Chris was more awake than asleep he had asked about what had happened. That had certainly distracted Christian from the indignity of being in a hospital bed.

“So why the fuck did Jared have a tracking device on you? Were you planning to run away, Jensen?” Christian’s voice was just a little thin, his breathing just a little short, the painkillers doing their job to keep the injured man breathing as normally as possible.

Jensen shook his head at Chris’s attempt at a joke. He wasn’t feeling particularly humorous sitting at Chris’s hospital bed about to tell his friend that Christian’s horrific injuries were his fault.

“It’s a long story. I…I told Jared that I didn’t try to kill myself this time.”

Christian’s face took on a pained look, but Jensen barreled ahead, knowing that Chris wouldn’t interrupt until he was done.

“He believed me and pointed out that it probably wasn’t an accident. If I wasn’t responsible, then someone else was. We…we were trying to lure the person out.”

“You what?!” So much for Christian normally letting him finish, Jensen thought. But Christian couldn’t stay quiet at the idea that Jensen would put himself in danger like that.

“I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t have any proof and I don’t blame you for not believing me, but…”

“Oh, fuck. She really…she poisoned you?”

“She admitted it to the police along with all kinds of other crazy stuff, but Chris…”

“Dammit, Jensen, I didn’t…I can’t believe I…I’m so sorry.”

“No.” Jensen’s eyes may have been filled with unshed tears but his voice was still strong. “I don’t blame you. Jared didn’t see me the last time. No one who had seen how dangerous I was to myself would have risked believing me this time.”

Steve still thought that they were morons, but he didn’t voice it aloud again as Jensen was obviously second-guessing his actions already in the light of Christian’s injuries. And Steve knew that no matter what Jensen said, Christian was going to continue blaming himself.

The conversation dropped, neither man willing to give up his guilt. They sat in silence for a moment, before Jared was flipping through the television’s channels and making weird comments. The J’s only had today to be with Christian. With Christian out of the woods, the J’s would have to go back to work the next day. They were apologetic but Christian had, of course, made the comment that he was a big boy who could sit in the hospital by himself. Steve wasn’t going to be leaving him alone though.

Steve was taking full advantage of Christian’s current predicament to coddle the shit out of the other musician. Jensen was almost as bad. They both took every opportunity to pet Christian, get Christian things, ask Christian if he was feeling ok for the thousandth time. Jared almost felt bad for the guy. It was only the first day after all and Christian’s jaw seemed permanently locked.

Christian would be in for a long recovery. Several days in the hospital because of the blood loss and risk of infection and need for hearty painkillers. The shoulder injury would need lots of physical therapy but he was expected to have full use again.

It wasn’t very long before Christian was insisting that the J’s leave to get some dinner and rest before their early call time, but Steve insisted on staying despite Christian’s protestations. As soon as the J’s were out the door though, Christian couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

“You need some rest too, dude. Why are you staying? Because I’m not gonna be very good company.”

“There’s an extra bed in here. It’s the only perk of having an army of media outside, you get your own room.”

Christian scowled at Steve’s deflection. “Fine, it doesn’t mean that you need to hold my hand like I’m going to run off, though. I’m pretty much stuck here.”

Steve turned determined eyes upon him, a look Christian had rarely seen.

“Chris,” Steve began in that annoying didactic tone he used when he thought Christian was being purposefully dense. “I watched you be shot and kidnapped, and then you were beaten with a broomstick! You can handle me holding your hand.”

Christian responded in a placating but sulking tone. “That doesn’t explain why, though.”

Steve’s face turned momentarily dark with anger before it crumpled. “Christian, I thought that you were going to die in that parking lot. I just…I want to touch you. It makes me feel better. And I know that you’re in pain no matter what bullshit you spout. I think your manliness can handle me comforting you a little since you saved Jensen.”

Christian was staring at his standard white blanket when he answered. “I didn’t do anything. Jensen saved us both.”

“He got you both free. But that wasn’t you running at a woman with a loaded gun? You didn’t distract her so that Jensen could pull his trick with the hair pin?”

“Well, when you say it like that I sound like a moron.”

“No, you sound like a person with a huge brave heart, someone who’s very protective of their friends. It’s one of the many things that I admire about you.”

Christian didn’t raise his eyes, just shifted uncomfortably on the bed. Damn his shoulder. He had been stuck sitting up this whole time, even to sleep. And it would be four weeks before he would be allowed to attempt anything like horizontal. His ass was starting to hurt.

Steve’s hand squeezing his broke Christian out of the thoughts he had been distracting himself with.

“I wouldn’t want you to die just when we were getting to the good stuff,” Steve ventured carefully.

Christian flushed, something Steve didn’t think he had ever seen before. Yeah, Christian knew that people thought he was a good lay and he knew that he looked good, he worked hard on his body. But that was all anyone saw in him, a good time. And normally that would be enough, but not with Steve.

“Yeah, I’m beautiful.” Christian couldn’t quite contain that huff though he tried. It seemed he couldn’t contain a lot of things around Steve.

But then Steve’s talented hands were on his face, gentle but firm as they turned his face to look up. Steve’s blue eyes were soft as he spoke, “You’re more than beautiful. You’re one of the best people that I know, and that more than makes up for your neuroses.”

“No, it’s not…Oh Fuck,” Christian sharply pulled his face out of Steve’s hands, brought up his one working arm to cover his face as the threat of tears washed over him. Fuck, he could not be crying. He could have just fucking died right there.

But then there was a soft pressure on his forehead that he belatedly realized were Steve’s lips. It shocked him into looking up.

Steve looked into blue eyes wet with tears that that wouldn’t fall, bright with pain and confusion and just enough hope to make his heart swell. “Christian, I want you. I want to be with you, I want to hold you and comfort you and be there for you. And since you’re in no position to run away again, I’m going to do just that. Hopefully by the time that you’re all better, you’ll believe that I’m not going to turn my back on you.”

Tears ran down Christian’s cheeks then, a short silent flood, but Steve was right there, stroking the tears away with his thumbs, kissing them away with his lips. It only lasted for a moment, before Christian was choking them back, his lip wibbling and his nose sniffling. Steve reached one hand out for a tissue to give to Christian.

“Well, this is humiliating,” Christian said morosely, certain that Steve wouldn’t want such a pathetic, needy person as himself.

“No,” Steve replied leaning in to kiss Christian’s wet face a few more times. “This is the beginning.”

Steve pressed Christian to lay back down, his hands still comforting the other man. And Christian realized then, that a hand stroking your hair was really soothing and he fell asleep to Steve doing just that.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Jensen and Jared were exhausted by the time that they made it home. They had stopped to get fast food on the way. As soon as they made it inside, Jared went to get out plates and cups while Jensen took out his dry contacts. They sat at the dining room table eating silently. Jared’s manager had called Jared’s normal sitter to come get the dogs and she would bring them to the set tomorrow so the house was even quieter.

Jensen finished his meal quickly and was sitting there wearing his glasses, resting his chin in his hands as Jared finished eating his larger portion of food. The sight inspired Jared to eat faster and then he cleared the table, before taking Jen’s hand. He led them upstairs to his own room.

Jared could see that Jen was about to protest that he was too worried and exhausted to do anything like fool around, but Jared silenced the shorter man with a firm kiss.

“Just sleep, I just want to be with you.”

They were the first words that had been spoken since they had entered the house. Jensen only nodded in response.

It was spectacularly intimate undressing in front of each other without the rush of anticipation and arousal or the professionalism of the wardrobe trailer. They both stole quick glances at one another as skin was uncovered. They slipped off shoes and socks, jeans and t-shirts, even though Jensen normally slept in one.

Jared lifted the covers and climbed in first, reaching a hand out to his co-star cum best friend cum lover(?). Jensen felt silly until Jared wrapped long arms around him, entangling their legs, pulling their torsos flush. It was warm and comfortable and safe in that way that only another person’s skin can be.

They lay face to face, Jared pulling Jen til his head was under Jared’s chin, his breath puffing out onto Jared’s smooth chest. Neither went to sleep immediately, though and eventually Jensen couldn’t help talking about the previous day’s events.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have tried to deal with it ourselves.” His voice was soft, tiny and beseeching like a child’s.

Jared opened his mouth but Jensen just kept talking. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten us both in that car? I should have…”

Jared squeezed the body in his arms as he cut off Jensen’s worried tirade. “Jen, it’s done. Maybe we should have done this, that, and the other. But really, I’m proud of you, Jen.”

Jensen made a noise somewhere between a scoff and a sob. “P-proud? Why?”

“You got both you and Chris out of there alive.”

“Hmph. You and Chris, even Steve, helped.”

“Yeah, we all played our part but you were the one who not only freed yourself but jumped the girl. Which was pretty awesome by the way.”

“But Chris…! God, watching her hit him, t-the sounds and I c-couldn’t a-and the b-blood…”

Jared squeezed Jensen tight again, able to tell by the stutter in Jen’s voice and the wetness on his chest that Jen was crying. “Hey, Chris is gonna be fine.”

“Y-yeah. After a year of therapy.”

“He’ll be able to play the guitar at least before that.” Really, Jared couldn’t imagine the horror of hearing his best friend get hurt like that; it was bad enough just imagining what was happening to Jensen as he had been driving. He thought that one of the things bothering Jensen was the fact that Jensen came out of it with barely a scratch, only bruises around his wrists that made Jared’s chest ache to look at.

“Listen, Jen. Chris is a strong guy. But what do you think it would have done to him if it had been you? If he had had to watch you being hurt?”

Jensen didn’t have to answer that. They both knew what it would have done to Christian.

They lay in silence for a few more moments before Jared let out a soft chuckle. Jensen tilted his head back to look at Jared, a question in his now dry eyes.

“Sorry, it’s not that anything about this is funny exactly, it’s that…well, at the beginning of this whole thing, we all thought that you wanted to die and then…you’re the one who saved yourself.”

Jensen didn’t smile in response as Jared had hoped. If anything he looked on the verge of tears again. “Jared, it could have been me, I could have done it. I could have another episode any time and I don’t want you…”

Jared bent his neck and kissed Jensen, cutting off the flood of words. “I know. Well, I don’t know, but Jensen, I would never leave you because of that. Even if we stayed just friends, I would want to help you, be there for you.”

It was Jensen that initiated the kiss this time. Only to pull away and look into Jared’s eyes, his own eyes filled with cautious hope.

“So we’re really doing this?” Jared asked.

“Yeah, I guess we are. It won’t be easy.”

Jared leaned in to kiss Jen’s nose this time. He could only think that Jen always made things easier, brighter for him. “We’ll just have to work it out as we go.”

Jensen nodded, their eyes once again locked. The kiss that time was a slow, silky glide that was both comforting and inflaming. It didn’t go any further or last very long, but they were both smiling as they settled back together. Finally they were able to close their eyes and sleep.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

The nurse woke Christian up within an hour of falling asleep for dinner. Steve helped Christian out of bed so he could get to the bathroom. Christian was stiff and just swinging his legs off the bed had the man grimacing at the pull of bruises and broken bones, no matter how much he tried not to show it. His breath was short and pained, the broken ribs suddenly making themselves much more known when he moved. And Steve didn’t know where to place his hands to help instead of hurt. The situation made them both miserable.

Out of the bed, Chris took small gliding steps, dragging the IV stand with him, but Steve didn’t help him walk to the bathroom. Steve well knew that that much help would be unacceptable. Just helping him out of the bed, Christian wouldn’t meet his eyes.

The nurse said that he would help Chris get back into bed so Steve went downstairs to the cafeteria to get his own dinner to bring upstairs. When he made it back to Christian’s room though, Christian was in bed, looking more pale than before and mostly scowling at his food rather than eating it. It took a long look at Christian’s plate to figure out why. Christian’s meat had been cut into bite sized bits since he wouldn’t be able to cut it himself.

Inwardly, Steve was thankful that Christian would have to get used to it here, before they got out of the hospital and it was Steve doing the cutting. Christian eventually swallowed his complaint without voicing it and began to eat.

Steve had noticed that Christian seemed to be vacillating between complaining about everything hospital-related and not  
complaining at all. Steve guessed that it was because though being in the hospital was annoying, especially to someone as self-reliant as Christian, the other man didn’t want to seem like he regretted what had happened. Christian didn’t want Jensen to feel any guiltier than they all knew he already felt.

Chris didn’t even eat that much, acting instead like he was very interested in whatever was on the television. He kept the fork in his hand though, as if he didn’t trust the appendage unoccupied. Steve quickly ate his own meal and then stroked his hand down Christian’s left arm, keeping his touch soft of the ring of bruises at the wrist.

At the touch, Christian started, looking toward Steve and then hastily looking away sheepishly. It told Steve all that he needed to know. Christian wanted to be touched but absolutely would not ask for it.

“You done with your dinner?” Steve asked, waiting for Christian’s hesitant nod before moving the tray away. Then he reached for Christian’s hand again, careful of the IV as he held it with his right hand and used his other to stroke up and down Christian’s relatively uninjured arm.

In his tiredness perhaps or because of the drugs, Christian stared at Steve’s hands touching him, before he settled back down into the pillows.

“Mind if I control the flipper for a little while?” Steve asked.

Christian looked him in the eyes then. Again maybe it was the drugs that made Christian seem so open, vulnerable and yet hesitantly hopeful, but Steve thought after what little Christian had told him that perhaps it was also that child in Christian who hadn’t been touched and now looked upon it with a kind of wonderment. After a moment, Christian nodded, thereby accepting Steve’s grip on his only hand.

It was only eight when Christian was shaking Steve awake by their still-connected hands.

“Hey,” Christian began, his voice quiet and concerned. “I think it’s time for you to climb in that other bed.”

Steve looked around sleepily, realizing that he had slumped over onto Christian’s pillow, his face practically touching Christian’s left shoulder. Steve couldn’t resist kissing said gown-covered shoulder before sitting up.

He shook his head at Christian sitting in a hospital bed battered to hell, not having slept in days besides naps, still trying to mother-hen him. He nodded, agreeing with Chris anyway.

“You ready to sleep, too?”

Christian laughed a little. “I’ve been sleeping all day, but yeah.”

Christian moved, sitting up more and managing in one swift painful movement to swing his legs over the side of the bed, attempting to get up to brush his teeth, the rate of his breathing already quickening as his ribs twinged. Steve was at his side a second late though, his shoulder under Christian’s left arm as he helped pull the injured man off the bed trying not to put too much pressure on his back. Steve figured that they were working out a system.

In the bathroom Steve wet one of the toothbrushes they had bought and put toothpaste on it before handing it to Chris. The blonde musician did it casually, as if it didn’t warrant thinking about as he went on to ready his own toothbrush as well.

But Christian couldn’t help just staring at the thing for a moment, as he tried not to stare at Steve. He felt both ridiculously annoyed and ridiculously touched by the other man’s gesture. It was just a small thing, but it represented something much larger to Christian. Soberly he brushed his teeth. Then Steve left him alone to piss.

Getting back into the bed in a comfortable position was much more difficult than getting out of it. Every time he pressed his shoulders back into the bed to try to move his legs, he was hit with sharp grinding pain. But Steve was there, pulling his legs, gently pushing his torso much like the nurse had earlier. And Christian couldn’t hide his pain, couldn’t possibly restrain the grimace to his features, the tension in his body, the sweat on his brow, or even, God help him, the tiny sounds of pain he made. And the gown became all twisted, making Christian very, very glad that he had insisted on getting into a pair of boxer shorts after his first trip to the bathroom.

Of course, Steve had already seen Christian naked. And that thought just made the heat in Christian’s face burn hotter. Steve had seen more than his naked body, but still, Christian couldn’t make believe that he regretted it.

As soon as he was settled, Steve disappeared back into the bathroom, coming out with a cool washcloth that he wiped Christian’s face with. Christian did restrain the impulse to make a spiteful comment, something like ‘I’m not a baby who needs you to wipe their face’. Mostly because he was too grateful. He was still wary, still suspicious, but at the moment he really couldn’t do it for himself and so he was grateful that Steve cared enough.

After Steve put the cloth away, he couldn’t resist placing a light kiss on Christian’s lips, before asking, “You ok? Comfy enough to sleep?”

Christian nodded, still torn between feeling chastised by being treated like a child and feeling loved and taken care of. Steve moved to turn out the lights and mostly close the door.

“You mind if we leave on the tv? I’ll mute it.” Christian said unexpectedly.

Steve was confused. “Sure, but why?”

Christian looked hesitant, sheepish at asking for something when he knew that Steve liked darkness and silence to sleep. “I just…they’re gonna be waking me up all the time and I don’t wanna just be sitting here in the dark if I can’t go back to sleep.”

Steve smiled faintly, “Yeah that’s fine. I’m so tired, I doubt anything short of the fire alarm would be able to keep me awake.”

Christian was obviously still feeling selfish and uncomfortable and so Steve leaned over to press another soft kiss, first to the corner of Christian’s mouth and then to Christian’s temple. No matter how ok Christian seemed, or how much the man wouldn’t admit to being anything but, it wouldn’t do to forget that Chris had been terrorized, had not just his own life threatened but the life of his best friend.

Steve lay down in the other bed, momentarily feeling disappointed that he still hadn’t gotten to curl around Christian and sleep. He wouldn’t be able to even after Christian was discharged, because Christian would have to sleep sitting up in the J’s recliner so that his shoulder didn’t fall back. Despite how much Steve wanted to sleep pressed up against the other man, he supposed that it was actually a good thing. Christian probably wasn’t ready to snuggle, considering that he had run away after sex, and this way, Steve wasn’t tempted. It was Steve’s last thought before finally going to sleep.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Though the Jensen and Jared had gone to bed early, they both slept straight through the night until their five am alarm went off. It shocked the two of them out of the little cocoon they had made, Jared rolling over to turn it off.

He was surprised when Jen followed him, rolling over onto Jared’s chest and snuggling back in. He chuckled as he let one hand stroke Jen’s silky warm back while the other ruffled the short hairs at the back of the other man’s neck. Jen made a sleepy, contented noise.

Burying his nose into the hair at the top of Jensen’s head, Jared spoke, “Nope, it’s time to get up.”

Jensen only grunted and shook his head slightly.

“Jenny…” Jared said as he rolled them over so that he was now over his co-star. Jensen was adorable, squinting his eyes up at Jared, wondering what the other man was up to. Right until Jared leaned down and blew a raspberry on Jen’s chest.

Jensen made a strange noise somewhere between a groan and a giggle as he tried to get away. Jared cackled and blew another lower on Jen’s belly before he let the other man go, Jensen curling immediately on his side to protect himself.

They both caught their breath a second, before Jensen then sat up. Rubbing his eyes, Jensen stood to pick up his clothes from the floor. Jared grabbed his arm pulling him in for a short kiss before Jensen made his way downstairs for a shower. They definitely hadn’t set the alarm early enough for a lot of foolishness.

Cliff was the first person to tell them how relieved he was that they hadn’t been hurt, but how sorry he was that their friend had been. When they got to set though, everyone wanted to hug them or pat them on the back, extend their condolences for Chris and their relief for the two actors’ safety.

It was nice, that there were so many people that cared about them, that had been worried. It just emphasized everything that Jensen loved about this job, namely the people he worked with.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Steve woke the next morning to a room bright with sunlight and an already awake Christian. Though Chris was still beat to hell, the bags under his eyes actually looked a little better.

“Morning, sunshine,” Christian said with intentionally obnoxious brightness as Steve swung his legs over the side of the bed, running his hands over his face and greasy hair. Chris told him that he had already managed to get out of bed to piss and brush his teeth so Steve hauled himself up to do the same. He hoped that a nurse had helped the injured man, but he wasn’t stupid enough to ask because Steve didn’t actually want the answer. He’d rather live with that fantasy.

When Steve came out it was to see Christian scratching at his own greasy scalp. Christian wasn’t allowed to shower for 72 hours after surgery and it looked like he was getting uncomfortable.

“Want me to put your hair up?”

Christian stopped scratching, looking like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t. It was like watching cogs turning as Christian thought it over, but there was no way to put it up with only one arm.

Finally Christian agreed and sat up from the pillows some. Steve had to sit on the side of the bed with Chris to get close enough. First, though, he took the opportunity to massage Christian’s scalp some. His fingers were firm as they began to rub in tiny circles.

Predictably Christian objected, turning his head to look at Steve beside him. “What’re you doing?”

Steve couldn’t help rolling his eyes, because it was pretty clear what he was doing. What Christian really meant was why was Steve bothering.

Placing another kiss to Christian’s eyebrow, Steve replied, “Just a little head massage. You’ve been through a lot and there’s not a whole lot of you that I can touch right now.”

Christian opened his mouth, but Steve didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to hear how Chris didn’t need Steve’s pity or comfort or concern, how Steve shouldn’t bother himself to make Christian feel better. The only thing that mattered to Steve was that Christian was no longer actively trying to prevent Steve’s ministrations, was at least now grudgingly accepting Steve’s caresses. Even if that was because Christian couldn’t actually stop Steve, Steve didn’t care.

So before any words could actually leave Christian’s mouth, Steve cut him off, gently pressing Christian’s head forward as he spoke. “Just lean your head forward and relax. I just want to make you feel good.”

Christian acquiesced and Steve slowly and firmly massaged the other man’s scalp before gently brushing the brown hair and pulling most of it up in a high ponytail so Chris wouldn’t be lying on the band.

When Steve allowed Christian to lean back again, that look was on Christian’s face, the look of wonderment and Steve couldn’t help kissing chapped lips.

The day passed like molasses on a cold morning. Christian slept through a bit, even Steve napped and they watched a lot of tv. They went through the painful process of Chris going to the bathroom a few times. Christian refused the book that Steve had bought in the bookstore. Steve couldn’t figure out why for the longest time but eventually he realized that Christian couldn’t both hold the book and turn the pages. He’d have to remember to see if the J’s had any hard-covers at their house.

After dinner though, the J’s came by, to see Chris and to let Steve take the car back to their place to shower and get more of his stuff.

Steve felt oddly reluctant to leave Christian even though the other man was probably grateful for the change in company. He couldn’t resist leaning over to kiss Christian’s mouth before and after gathering his few things.

Both Jensen and Jared could see that it was not a friendly kiss, not simply a pressing together of dry lips. When Steve was ready to go, Jensen suggested that Jared drive him. The two J’s shared a wordless conversation before Jared nodded, leaving Jensen to his interrogation.

Jensen took the seat that Steve had vacated on Christian’s good side, reaching for his friend’s hand immediately. Jensen imagined that that hand probably hadn’t spent much time on its own. Probably wouldn’t either.

“How’re you doing?”

“Bored. Please say that something exciting happened between you and the giant last night that you’ll tell me all about.”

Christian was trying to distract Jensen from asking about the kiss, but as usual, Jensen never let him get away with anything.

“Sorry, just cuddling.”

Christian frowned in disdain. “Y’all are so lame.” Then he became serious. “But things are good?”

“Yeah, we’re…ya know, new at this or whatever, but we’re not gonna move at the pace of slugs or anything. It’s…easy.”

Christian squeezed Jen’s hand, offering his silent support.

“But what about you and Steve?”

Christian cursed inwardly. He knew that he should have kept talking about Jensen. “Fuck, I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

Christian scowled again at being called out. “Fine, I want him, but I…”

“You’re scared,” Jensen said quietly leaning his cheek against Chris’s shoulder.

Christian nodded despite that Jen couldn’t see. “I’m such a coward. I mean, you’ve never even been with a guy before and you’re willing to try…”

“Chris, you’re not a coward. Being with Steve is scary for you, because you do want him.”

That was a sentence that would only make sense to the two of them. Christian wanted Steve because he wouldn’t be controlled like  
Christian’s previous partners, because Steve wouldn’t be kept at a distance, wouldn’t be content to be the person who was comforted but never gave comfort. And that was the same reason that Christian was afraid of being with him. Christian was torn between the man that he wanted to be and the man that he had been raised to be.

“And he’s being so damn nice about everything, even after I…”

Jensen lifted his head at Christian’s unfinished sentence. “After what?”

Christian averted his eyes. “Right before we were kidnapped? I might have…thrown myself at Steve, had sex with him, and then ran away.”

“You what?”

“I know, I never act like that.”

Jensen was stunned, normally girls and guys threw themselves at Chris and then he kicked them out of his bed. He didn’t run away  
because he was the one in control, which meant he had let Steve be in control. Otherwise, Christian would have just played it off as a one time thing, some friendly fooling around.

“Steve wants to take care of you.”

Christian huffed. “I’m not some little girl that needs to be taken care of.”

Jensen frowned. “Well at the moment, you at least need a little help, but Chris, it’s not a bad thing to lean on the people that love you.”

It wasn’t the first time that Jensen had said those words, but they had never sunk in. There was silence for a moment before Jensen spoke again. “Do you think I’m a little girl because you take care of me?”

Christian jerked his head to look at his friend. “Oh, for shit’s sake, no, I don’t think that about you. Steve asked me the same damn thing, but it’s different…”

“How? How is it different for you to take care of me but it’s not ok for anyone to take care of you?”

Christian rubbed his good hand over his face, feeling the rise of frustration. “You can’t help it. I should be able to handle my own shit, I shouldn’t have to bother other people…”

“You don’t want to bother anyone, Chris…?”

“You’re taking it out of context, that isn’t what I meant…”

“No, I think you’re frustrated enough that you’re saying exactly what you mean.” Christian growled. Jensen had never pushed him like this before and he couldn’t even get out of the bed or hit anything or do anything.

But Jensen kept talking. “You put yourself separate. You think you don’t deserve anyone because that’s how your father raised you.”

“He did what was best for me!”

“But it wasn’t what was best for you. Everyone needs love and affection but he wouldn’t let you have any because he wanted you to live up to his crazy ideal of masculinity and, instead, doted on your sister. He made you think that you were weak for wanting comfort, but it doesn’t.”

“Stop it,” Christian choked out. Rage and misery warred in his mind as he leaned forward to bury his face in his good hand. Eventually the emotion had no other outlet than the sobs that began to shake Christian’s broken body, the pain in his heart warring with the pain in his ribs as he cried.

But Jensen was there, moving to sit on the side of the bed and gingerly placing an arm around Christian’s good side. He directed Christian’s head to his shoulder. He felt the tears fall on his t-shirt and he whispered into Chris’s hair, “It’s ok. It’s ok to cry, to express emotion without hitting anything, without hurting yourself. And it’s definitely ok to let Steve love you. Just let him take the lead for a little while.”

Jensen couldn’t help feeling a little guilty even though he thought that Christian needed this. This wasn’t what they did, they didn’t push, and particularly Jensen didn’t push Chris. But things had changed and Jensen wanted to do something to help Christian.

Jensen kissed Christian’s tears away much as Steve had done the night previous. When Chris had calmed, leaned back on the pillows and blown his nose on the tissue he was handed, Jensen couldn’t resist poking a little fun and poking the incongruous bruise on Christian’s collar bone.

“I wondered where this had come from.” Jensen murmured, laughing as Christian huffed and tried to push him off the bed.

Once back at the hospital, Steve noticed that Chris seemed a little reserved, a little contemplative. He didn’t ask about it though, just leaned in to kiss Christian’s lips again.

Five days in the hospital was a long time. Christian had eventually gotten to take a shower, after which he could wear the pillow-sling on the outside of the gown, but the whole painful process was barely worth getting clean. It had pained Steve as much to see as for Christian to do.

The nurse had been the one to remove the bandages and then the sling. Then Steve had followed Christian into the small bathroom, helping to remove the gown and then Christian’s boxers, trying to be as clinical about it as possible. Seeing Christian’s naked form certainly brought back scorching memories of their one sexual experience, but it was drowned out by the marks and bruises that crossed that once perfect flesh.

It took everything Steve had in him not to comment on the small noises of pain that Christian made as he attempted to wash, not to ask if Chris was ok, not to just charge in there and wash the man himself.

Washing had been a difficult process in itself because Christian only had one arm. And then there was the fact that he couldn’t bend over because of his ribs and because then his shoulder would have fallen forward. Not to mention, the water hitting the welts on his back, the bruises everywhere.

Christian had been more than frustrated by the time Steve had been helping to dry the injured man, pained and miserable. Steve hadn’t said anything as he had tried not to upset the fragile balance that had Christian even letting him hold the towel, patting it carefully over the injured shoulders and rubbing it over Christian’s legs. A couple of times Christian had stopped, had closed his eyes and clenched his jaw even harder, waiting for the pain to dissipate so they could continue. Even a millimeter that his shoulder moved was exceptionally painful, making it difficult to do anything without the sling helping to keep the motion minimal.

And then the nurse had helped Christian back into the pillow sling and then back into the bed. She had brought ice to put on his shoulder after that and pain medicine. At first Christian had just lain there with his eyes closed, though Steve had known that he wasn’t asleep. Christian just hadn’t wanted to open his eyes and show Steve the pain that he was in, hadn’t wanted to see the concern on Steve’s face. But eventually, Christian had actually fallen asleep and it had been better when he had woken.

They had watched a lot of television, read a couple books and magazines, and had the kind of conversations about nothing that they used to have all the time over beers. And Steve had touched and petted and kissed Christian, watching with fascination every time as Christian responded with bashfulness and embarrassment and wonder.

The J’s had gone back to working full time to make up for the time that was lost, particularly because they wanted off by dinner on the day that Chris got out of the hospital. At night they had gotten used to sleeping in the same bed together. Jensen had had a couple of nightmares, dreams where he saw again the blood covering his best friend’s chest, heard again the sound of the wood striking flesh just before the surprisingly soft sounds of pain.

But every time Jensen had woken with the fear that he was back in that small cabin’s bedroom, the thought that he had been too late to save Christian from a slow, agonizing death, Jared had been there. Jared’s huge body pressed close, his long limbs sprawled everywhere and usually on top of Jensen, Jared’s soft floppy hair tickling the older man’s skin, and his heat, Jared put out heat like a furnace and it had warmed Jensen when the dreams had left him chilled to the bone. And Jared would snuffle and kick a little like a dog having a dream about chasing rabbits and then pull Jensen closer like he was a stuffed rabbit.

But Jensen had subtly prevented them from going farther than making out, as if he were punishing himself for Chris having to be in the hospital. Though both actors had been so tired and had so little time off that really, it hadn’t mattered. And the press guaranteed that the two actors had stayed mostly indoors.

The day that Christian got discharged he was happy as a clam, until Steve had to help him get dressed. It was a not-so-subtle reminder at how hard things were going to be for a while, how much help he was going to need, how painful things still were. Getting Christian into a t-shirt was nearly the end of them both. And then Steve had to button Christian’s jeans. Steve even had to tie his shoes, tennis shoes not boots. Steve had threatened to get him slippers.

They would be staying in Vancouver for a while at least, the doctors hesitant to let Christian on a plane. They hadn’t yet decided where they would go from there, to Nashville or LA, Steve just knew that he wasn’t letting Christian out of his sight until the other man was completely ready. And that included when Christian was ready not to run again. It would suck being on two sides of the country, but it wouldn’t be either man’s first long distance relationship. It would always be a part of who they were, what they did. But just like their friendship, Steve knew it would work if they wanted it to.

Steve wheeled Christian out the back of the hospital to escape the press, right to Jared’s car which he had let Steve borrow. He drove straight to Jared’s place, the press there too, but Jared’s driveway was long. Apparently two celebrities who had been kidnapped, and one shot and beaten made more news than another celebrity overdose.

Christian was able to get out of the car and into the house without help, though not without grimacing. That didn’t stop Steve from pressing a hand to the curve of Christian’s back as soon as they were out of sight though.

Steve had set up the recliner, putting a sheet over the leather and a blanket nearby. But for now he led Christian into the kitchen, settling him at the table with a glass of water and a couple pills which Christian took grudgingly. They had already had the argument about pain pills. Steve won by pointing out that it wasn’t just for pain management, the pills were to enable Christian to breathe as normally as possible with his broken ribs. If he wanted to be back to normal as soon as possible, he should just take the damn things. Steve even said that once the ribs were healed, he wouldn’t pester Christian about taking pills for his shoulder, the actor could do what he wanted as long as it didn’t actually endanger his health.

Steve had already bought the ingredients to make the four of them dinner, a dinner both he and Christian were looking forward to immensely after all that hospital food.

Christian was looking forward to the floor show just as much. He had always loved to watch Steve cook, watch the other man move around the kitchen as much in his element there as on a stage and even picking up tricks to improve his own cooking.

The dogs were outside but Steve was hesitant to let them in, to let them near Christian’s still colorful torso particularly when he could clearly see the tentative way that Chris was leaning back against that chair.

He couldn’t help going over to feed Christian little bites of what he was making, bites that Christian accepted with a timid smile and bashful eyes. Steve even occasionally stroked his hand through soft brown hair, which Christian also allowed. He had gotten to play with Christian’s hair a lot since one-handed Christian could barely brush it. And it kept Steve’s hands off of bruised skin.

The J’s arrived from the set, freshly showered, happy and excited. Both kissed Christian’s face, the injured man scowling at Jared’s kiss, though they all knew it was because the giant man-puppy couldn’t wrap the smaller man up in a crushing hug like he wanted to.

It was an excellent dinner, Christian not even mentioning how Steve cut up his food and then placed it in front of him. It was just four friends having a celebration though they didn’t speak of what they were celebrating. Neither Jensen nor Christian had brought up the misunderstanding of the poisoning again. Both felt suitably guilty for the whole thing and didn’t want to dwell on it.

But eventually Christian couldn’t help asking, “So Jared, why again do you have a tracking device?”

They all laughed, partly in relief at Christian bringing up the topic weighing on all their minds.

Jared looked both shamefaced and proud, quite a feat, as he began speaking. “Uhh, you remember that girl I went out with a couple of times. She was actually a Vancouver native and we met her at that bar that Mike always drags us to.”

Jensen nodded, as he was the only one who actually knew this story. “Yeah the one who was still living with her boyfriend…”

“Yeah, when I finally found out, she said that she couldn’t turn me down, seeing as I was a celebrity, but she couldn’t break up with the other guy because he helped pay the rent.”

All laughed uncertainly, wondering where this was going and feeling both amused and sympathetic for Jared.

“Well, when I told Chad about it, he, in his Chad-logic, decided to buy me a tracking device. Said I should slip one in the purse of any girl I meet.” Jared chuckled at the remembering. “Only Chad would suggest that I stalk girls I hadn’t even been on a date with.”

The three others didn’t even know what to say to that. Finally, Jensen asked, “And you kept it?”

Jared shrugged. “Yeah, why not? He’ll probably want to borrow it one day.”

Conversation then disintegrated into all the stories they had about Chad, both ones that they had witnessed personally and those that were just rumors.

As Steve began to clear the table, Jensen stood, placing a hand on Christian’s uninjured shoulder. “Let’s go ahead in the living room.” Jensen then shared a look with Jared that had the younger man helping Steve.

Christian knew that Jensen wanted to talk about something and so sat on the couch with caution, particularly when Jensen sat down real close to him.

“How are you?” Jensen asked.

Christian shrugged his one shoulder, feeling put on the spot and pathetic, helpless. “Remember when I used to ask you that?”

Jensen sighed, leaning his head onto Christian’s good shoulder. He knew that Christian was feeling useless, like he wasn’t needed any more. But Jensen would always need Chris, would always be grateful to him. “Just because things have changed, doesn’t mean I don’t still need you. You take care of me and I take care of you.”

Christian shifted under Jensen’s head, signaling his discomfort. “Well, I’m not really helping anyone right now.”

Jensen wrapped his arms lightly around Christian’s waist, below the pillow sling. “We both know love isn’t enough. My momma was depressed even though she loved Dad, she loved us. You and me, we’ve been through everything together. I’m still gonna be calling you.”

Instead of replying Christian moved to wrap his left arm around Jen’s shoulders, relaxing some as Jensen continued. “Jay wasn’t there the last time. And…he’s almost too close, ya know. I want to protect him too much. Besides who else would I talk to about Jared?”

Christian chuckled then. “Great, so I’ve been relegated to your bosom buddy.”

“Well, yeah. You can be my gay sex guru.”

“Oh God, I do not want to talk about that with you.”

Jensen was laughing loudly as Steve and Jared came into the room. Both attempted to control their smiles as they saw the two men wrapped around each other on the couch. Both wanted to cuddle in on their lover’s side but both knew that it was a moment just for Chris and Jen. So they sat in the two armchairs, an odd mimicry of the night when Steve had arrived.

Steve found the remote, and switched the tv on.

“Oh look. It’s Lockup.”

They sat in the living room for a while, before the J’s went outside to play with the dogs awhile. Jared had gotten a gate to keep them either upstairs or in the kitchen and thus unable to bother Chris where he was in the living room.

Steve moved next to Christian on the couch, leaning over to lick inside Chris’s mouth that still tasted like the sauce from dinner. He was just happy, they all were.

Jensen and Jared had to go to bed all too soon for an early call, no matter how excited they were to see their friend. Jensen kissed a vaguely smiling Chris on the forehead before he and Jared raced upstairs laughing.

Steve couldn’t help moving in to kiss Christian again, slowly, taking the time to relish the way that Christian seemed to melt into his hands, willing to give Steve anything. It made Steve a little disappointed to remember that Christian’s injury didn’t allow them any kind of sex for several weeks…but not all kinds of sex, Steve realized, pulling away from Christian’s lips with a smirk.

He looked down into blue eyes still unguarded, still desperate for affection before gently encouraging Christian to stand up, watching as confusion masked that vulnerability. As soon as his hands reached for the waistband of Christian’s sweatpants, the other man stuttered a protest.

“W-what are you…? They’re right upstairs.”

As if answering Christian, a loud thump came from upstairs followed by Jared’s cackling. “I think they’re preoccupied.”

That seemed to mollify Christian or perhaps Christian just couldn’t deny Steve’s touch, but he didn’t protest when Steve slipped his hands inside Christian’s boxers and pulled down both them and the sweatpants. Then he gently helped Christian to sit back down and dropped to his knees.

Slowly, Steve was going to take this very slowly. This was all about making Christian feel good and he wanted it to be more than just a sexual release.

He lifted one of Christian’s feet out of the boxers and pant leg and then slid the flats of his palms up the inside of Christian’s legs, gently pushing them apart so that Steve was kneeling between them.

By the time his hands were anywhere close, Christian was already hard enough to drill nails, his cock standing up and curling towards the tan of his t-shirt. But still Steve didn’t touch it, kissing along the inside of one thigh covered in soft dark hair and then the other.

It wasn’t going to be the easiest blow job that Steve had ever given since Christian couldn’t scoot forward, it would put too much  
pressure against his shoulders and the welts on his back. But when Steve felt timid fingers touch his own blonde waves, he knew that it would be worth it.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Meanwhile upstairs the night’s good mood and celebratory nature had taken a sexual turn for the Jensen and Jared as well. They had barely cleared the last step before Jared was pulling Jen in for a sloppy, excited kiss, two smiles hiding in the slide of their lips. They tried to get to the bedroom without separating but that had them banging hard into the door frame. It was Jared’s back that hit but he just started laughing until Jensen was pulling him into the room, impatiently.

Once inside with the door kicked closed, hands found a purpose, removing clothes as quickly as possible. As soon as shirts were removed though, Jared’s hands were busier fondling than helping though and soon, Jensen was slapping them away from his crotch as he tried to get both of their belts off.

Jared was not deterred however, his lips finding the curve of Jensen’s neck as the other man tried to see what he was doing, Jared’s hands under Jensen’s armpits pulling the other man closer as Jared’s thumbs rubbed slowly over Jen’s tight nipples.

“Oh fuck, Jay, I can’t….ah, like that…your fucking belt won’t come off…” Jared made no move to help Jensen but eventually, somehow, they were both naked. Jared was already rutting against Jen’s hip as the smaller man was kicking his pant leg off.

“Bed,” Jensen panted. That was at least a suggestion that Jared seemed to understand, immediately pushing Jensen over to it and then on top of it.

Jared followed him down, chasing plump red lips, licking over the full bottom one and gently biting the cupid’s bow of the top one, eliciting a sharp gasp from the man under him.

“Jen,” Jared moaned at the feel of hands larger than he was used to roaming over his back, squeezing the mounds of his ass, the touch rougher than any woman, the arms encircling him stronger. He ground down into the body beneath, feeling the hard planes of muscles sliding beneath his own chest, the thrust of another dick beside his own. And he looked down into emerald green eyes, dark now  
in lust, high cheekbones spotted with color and freckles, plump perfect lips red now with blood, Jensen, who knew everything about Jared, who accepted everything about Jared, whose very presence was like the sun filtering through the foliage of a dense forest.

“Jen…what…?”

Jensen was equally affected by the feel of Jared above him, the feel of a weight greater than his own pressing him into the mattress, of a strong body as eager as his own to seek release, but he knew where he wanted this to go, particularly because it was Jared, who comforted and held and protected him, but who also made Jensen want to be strong and happy and a partner. “Jay…”

Jared couldn’t resist thrusting his tongue into that open mouth, Jensen’s hands stilling their movement at the unexpected possession, now just clinging to Jared’s sides as he sucked Jared’s tongue in deep.

Once he released Jay’s tongue, Jensen tried to remember what he was going to say. “Jay, want…” It was hard to finish a sentence when neither man was willing to stop their writhing motion. “Want…sex…I wanna…Fuck, with you.”

Even those words weren’t enough to stun Jared’s hips into stillness, though the shock did show on his expressive face. “You mean…sex, sex?”

“No, Jared, the other kind of sex.”

Jared smiled, semi-collapsing onto Jen for a moment as he hid his face in Jen’s neck, his hips slowing into a gentle rubbing motion that did nothing to cool the desperation he felt.

“But who…?”

“Me, I will.” It was a split second decision on Jensen’s part but since it was his idea…and he didn’t want Jay thinking that he was some emotionally unstable, delicate flower who couldn’t handle it.

“You sure?”

“Fuck, Jay, I’m fucking sure. I want…ungh, God, do I want…”

Jared had to roll off to reach the bedside table, where the lube and condoms were. He turned back to see that Jensen had lifted his far leg, pulling his own thigh to his chest to expose himself in readiness.

“Jesus Christ,” Jared whispered, his eyes that had been lazy with arousal now wide open at the display. In reality, Jensen felt a little silly in the position, but his reticence disappeared in the face of Jared openly gawking, looking like he couldn’t believe his luck.

It wasn’t far from the truth. Jared could barely take his eyes off of Jensen as he attempted to flip open the cap of the lube, a task that really shouldn’t have been as difficult as Jared suddenly found it.

As soon as it was open, Jared was moving closer, moving in between Jensen’s thighs, the other leg bending to put Jen’s foot flat on the mattress, cradling Jared’s form between his spread thighs.

Jensen watched as Jared squirted some of the lube on the fingers of his left hand, saw that Jared was just as impatient and nervous as himself, Jared purposefully tearing his eyes away from Jensen to focus on his own task, forcing himself to breathe slowly to quiet his desire.

But it was like Jensen was the proverbial traffic accident that Jared couldn’t look away from. He couldn’t believe how beautiful Jensen looked spread out so vulnerably as he waited for Jared’s touch. Couldn’t believe how much Jensen must want it to do so, how much Jensen must want him.

His fingers slicked, his eyes were invariably drawn to the dark furl of muscle between Jensen’s cheeks. Gently, he began to rub the skin with a slick fingertip, splitting his attention between his fingers and Jensen’s face.

The taboo of the action seemed to make the whole thing more erotic. It was the plain desire between them that kept their nerves down to a manageable level.

“Jay,” Jensen couldn’t resist reaching his free hand out to the other man, drawing Jared across his body til their lips could meet. The kiss was impassioned, wet as tongues slipped between the two men’s mouths, eager to release some of the building sexual tension.

Jared took the opportunity of Jensen’s attention on their kiss to press his index finger inside, only to the first knuckle. Jensen gasped into Jared’s open mouth, but Jared didn’t stop pressing either his finger or his tongue into Jensen’s willing body.

A finger, even Jared’s finger was a fairly small intrusion, but it was the knowledge that it was the first step that got Jensen’s hips rocking. It was the way that Jared moved the digit, twisting it inside, pressing it in and then pulling it out, stroking as it made its way further inside.

Jared broke the kiss to watch Jensen’s face as his finger pushed in to the second knuckle. He wasn’t surprised to see Jensen’s brow slightly furrowed, Jen’s mouth slightly open as he panted out his breath, but Jensen’s body still begged for more, the muscle spasming around his finger as it slowly relaxed.

“Ungh,” Jensen arched his elegant neck, letting out a small cry as Jared pressed the digit deeper still.

Partially to distract Jensen and mostly for his own pleasure, Jared bent his head to nibble on the taut tendon in that neck, following it down to Jensen’s collar bone. Jared knew that Jensen’s nipples were sensitive, Jensen always squeaked like a girl when Mike tweaked them and so his mouth headed to the nearest brown nub.

He wasn’t disappointed in the reaction Jensen gave as Jared’s lips closed over it. Jensen arched his back, crying out louder, “Nngh, good, mmmhhhh, yeah.”

Jen’s hips even pressed down onto the intrusion, inspiring Jared to begin pressing his middle finger inside also. Suckling on Jensen’s nipples didn’t completely distract the older man from the burn of the second finger Jared knew as Jensen threw his head to the side, the furrow becoming deeper as white teeth bit cruelly into a plush lower lip.

Still Jensen made no effort to stop Jared, instead one hand came up to hold Jared’s head in place. Jared suckled harder, leaving the nipple with a slight red tint when he moved to the other side.

Again, Jared pulled away as his second finger pressed fully inside. Jensen was still panting through red, wet lips, his eyes tightly closed as the fingers began to move in unison, in and out.

Jared’s eyes were drawn again between Jen’s thighs, and he couldn’t resist watching as his own dark fingers disappeared into Jensen’s body. He also noticed that Jensen’s erection had wilted a little during the preparation, but a drop of precum still glistened on the tip. He didn’t think just moved, his tongue coming out to swipe at the enticing drop.

That had Jensen’s head turning back in an instant, startled eyes forced open. “Holy shit, Jay, you sure…motherfucker.”

Jensen trailed of as Jared sucked the tip into his hot, wet mouth. His hands fisted the sheets as he threw his head back against the pillowas Jared’s hand petted his belly and then moved down to wrap around his neglected shaft.

Jared wrapped his huge palm around Jen’s dick, stroking it to feel the warm, smooth skin move over the hardness underneath. He continued stroking as he began to bob his head, tightening his lips around Jensen’s cock as he moved to take more into his mouth.

“God, that’s good, yeah, mmmm,” Jensen didn’t even seem to notice as Jared stroked his fingers, twisting them to spread the lube, scissoring them to stretch the muscle even further.

Jensen was tight, too tight around his fingers and so he began to insert his ring finger, wanted Jensen to be well prepared. He pushed this finger in quicker, moved his head faster but Jensen still let out a harsh whine at the burn, his hips momentarily trying to move away before settling down again.

Jared pulled off Jensen’s cock to look at the man underneath him again. Jensen’s eyes were open now, seemingly pleading with Jared though for what the younger man didn’t know. “God, Jay, Fuck…”

He moved his fingers, searching for that purportedly magical spot within.

“Eeengh,” Jensen keening cry sounded sharply as Jared pressed on it, Jensen’s body going taut like he’d been shocked. “Fuck, that was…”

Jensen’s eyes seemed incredulous as Jared continued moving his fingers, more stroking now. Jared couldn’t help laughing a little. “As good as they make it out to be?” he queried, before his fingers returned to the spot.

Another cry was his answer. Jensen began to writhe with the motion of Jared’s fingers, waiting for the next sizzling spark to set him aflame.

“Jesus, Jen, you have no fucking idea how you look right now, how fucking gorgeous…”

“Jay, Jay, come on, now,” Jensen’s voice was thin and held none of the growl that he had meant it to.

Jared obeyed anyway, sliding his fingers out of the warm home that they had found and fumbling to prepare his own cock. Jensen fortunately opened the condom packet for him, Jared quickly rolling it down and covering his cock with lube, lots of lube.

Jared was just sliding back into position when Jen said, “Wait.”

Oh shit, Jared thought, but he didn’t get beyond that because Jen was talking and moving.

“You lay down, on your back.” Cautiously Jared did as suggested, his expression blank, still concerned at the word ‘wait’, so closely related to ‘stop’ in his head. But Jensen wanted to be in control, felt that it would be easier to relax if he moved at his own pace.

So Jensen moved to straddle Jared’s hips, the long, lean length of Jared’s tan beautiful body beneath him, the muscles of Jay’s abdomen visible as they tensed in expectation. Jay’s huge hands were around Jensen’s own hips, steadying, comforting but not controlling and his eyes were fixed on Jensen’s own, his wide pink lips parted and wet.

Jensen twisted his torso to grip Jared’s cock, positioning it and himself before letting the weight of his own body cause the head to breach him.

They both groaned loudly at the feel as Jared’s cock popped through the tight resistance of Jensen’s hole. Jared was suddenly very glad that Jensen was in control, gripping Jensen’s narrow hips with bruising force to steady himself as Jensen’s body gripped his cock in a vice.

For a moment both men stayed still, concentrating on breathing, on consciously taking slow deep breaths. When Jensen sank another inch though, Jared’s eyes popped open.

He was transfixed at the sight above him, at Jensen kneeling over him. Jen’s beautiful body displayed, the flex of thigh muscles, strength visible in the tense lines of his body, the gleam of pale smooth skin in the minimal light. But that was nothing next to the beauty of Jensen’s face, soft but for the slightest of wrinkles on his forehead to show his discomfort. Jensen looked…lost, lost in sensation and he was gorgeous.

Jensen’s hands slid down to dig into Jared’s belly as he sank the last bit with a long drawn out moan. His ass was snug against the cradle of Jared’s pelvis and he could feel the tickle of pubic hair on his ass cheeks.

Slowly Jensen opened his eyes, meeting Jared’s as they both huffed deep breaths. Then Jensen’s hands were gliding on sweat-slick skin to rest on Jared’s pecs, getting the leverage he needed to raise himself up again.

“Jen, Jen…so amazing, you look…you feel…” Jared ran out of words, the moist heat seeming to cling to his dick as Jen pulled off a little before sinking back down making both of them moan.

After a moment, Jensen got more of a rhythm, letting more of Jared’s dick slip out before he was sinking back down faster, feeling the friction, the penetration. Then he was maneuvering a bit, trying to get more upright to let Jared sink in further, wanting Jay’s cock deeper, wanting to find that spot again.

Jensen moved his hands first to Jared’s thighs before leaning his weight back on them, and both men gasped as Jared’s cock did slide in deeper and pressed right on that spot.

“Aaah, aaaaahhh, Fuck, right there, Jay,” Jensen’s voice was thin, needy and his hips began to rock, rolling back and forth to pres Jared’s cock harder against that spot in the front wall.

But Jensen couldn’t get any leverage to lift up from this position. “Jay, Fuck, fuck me, aaaah.” Somehow Jared knew what he wanted, gently thrusting up into the body above.

Jensen couldn’t say what noises he made, knew that they were probably needy, pleading, cries and moans, knew only that he kept asking for harder, more as he continued to roll his hips, the pleasure of the position far outweighing the lingering burn.

Jared barely noticed the short nails digging into his own thigh muscles as he thrust up into the tight heat of Jensen’s ass, responding to Jensen’s cries for more and harder, the need in Jensen’s low voice going straight to his own dick.

And then the cries increased in intensity, Jensen’s weight shifting, his hips moving faster, “I’m…there, there. Jay t-touch me.”

Jared had to pry one of his own hands away from Jensen’s body to grip Jensen’s cock, but it was only one pull, two, before Jensen was coming, his back arched over Jared’s thighs, his entire body taut, muscles straining, the line of his slim neck captivating as Jensen gasped out his release to the ceiling, spilling hot and fast over Jared’s hand, over his stomach.

Jensen practically melted then, letting Jared gather him towards a muscular chest, pliant as Jared rolled them over while keeping his cock within the other man.

Jared pushed relaxed limbs over his shoulders, the backs of Jen’s thighs resting against his chest as he thrust in deeper than ever. Jensen clutched straining forearms as Jared’s thrusts pressed him into the mattress, the rhythm hard and fast, words falling from Jared’s lips as his own orgasm fast approached.

“Goddammit Jen, look at you, so fucking sexy, fucked out and still so tight, for me…GOD.”

Jared buried his face in Jen’s neck, thrusting still as he filled the condom, his weight falling more on Jensen, bending the supple body underneath him even more. Finally he stopped, taking a deep breath before gripping the condom and pulling out before his cock softened. He dropped the condom in the wastebasket beside the bed before collapsing face-down on the bed next to his partner.

They both lay there, still sweating, still panting, both struck dumb. Until Jay reached over, one huge arm gathering Jensen close to a huge sweaty body, identical huge smiles spread over two faces. Jensen couldn’t help giggling at the completely unforeseen, but still amazing turn his life had taken. Jared only lifted a single eyebrow at his outburst, at least at first. But then an evil look had come over Jared’s face and he lunged even as Jensen tried to move away. Jared pulled a laughing, struggling Jensen in for another raspberry.  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- --

Downstairs, Steve was folded over Christian’s lap, taking Christian’s cock as deep as possible, the head nudging the back of his throat, that tentative hand still stroking his hair. Steve’s own hands gentled thickly muscled thighs until one hand slipped inside Steve’s own already unbuttoned jeans.

And the sounds falling from Christian’s mouth. Christian always had been able to reduce Steve to a puddle with the sound of his voice, and the sound of his voice now…murmured pleas and half-bitten off cries.

“Steve, Steve, nnggh, I’m…now, now.” Steve pulled back and sucked hard at the head, his hands both moving to Christian’s hips, keeping him still so he wouldn’t hurt himself.

Chris sagged back on the couch, panting for a moment, but when he looked down again, his breath caught. Steve on his knees, his jeans open to reveal his cock pink with arousal against his fair skin, his hand moving hard and fast, his teeth biting his bottom lip.

Then Steve was leaning his forehead against Christian’s muscled thigh as he came, whispering Christian’s name like salvation.

Steve stayed there a moment, picturing what they must look like. Pressing a last kiss to the inside of Christian’s knee, he moved to kneel on the couch, leaning over Christian’s still awed face and kissing bitten-red lips. He stayed there a moment too, pressing his forehead against Christian’s, breathing the same air.

And then he was buttoning himself up, wiping his hands on his jeans and helping Chris back into his pants and boxers, leading the silent, injured man into the guest bathroom where Steve had moved Christian’s things. Christian looked stunned in the bathroom mirror as they brushed their teeth, Steve’s hand gently rubbing Christian’s injured back. After they both spit, Steve couldn’t resist molding himself along that back, just holding Christian for a second, best as he could with Christian in the sling.

It was still too bad they couldn’t sleep together, but Steve was certain that Christian would be ready when the time came. Besides, tomorrow he was going to attempt wrapping himself around Christian as Jensen had. But for now, he’d be sleeping on the couch, just to be near the other man.


End file.
